Dare to be daring, darling (part 1)

Something happened to me in the summer of 2013 in Finland.

In January 2013 after a masterclass with Evelyn Tubb, she suggested to apply for a summer course in Finland, so I applied, got accepted and went there, though every sane reason told me to do the opposite: I went financially broke by that time (even more than any student could be; couldn't pay my rent and the last months of tuition fee at school), and I should have worked through the whole summer including that life-changing week at Sastamala Gregoriana (which I actually did in the end, but for that week I tried to be a musician and not giving a single f*ck about my financial situation). But in the end, with the help of my family I got to Karkku (fortunately I could pay for the course from my master budget), and then - comparing to what I have done this year - I was running around like a poisoned rat: to workshops and from there to the masterclass session, from masterclass to practise and from practise to workshops, and I really tried to keep the meal schedule as well. Tried sauna but didn't really work out for me (this year I figured, I should have jumped in that lake next to the sauna) and got just as stressed out at school. I thought that the time for socializing is a waste of time and I was really thinking I would be able to learn everything there. Now I know I tried way too hard, I pushed myself too much towards knowledge and at the same time because of pushing myself too much I couldn't enjoy the surroundings and the company of the rest of the participants to the fullest. Of course I talked to them, but I couldn't give them the attention they deserved, because I had an unsolved problem with myself, I was restless and I put myself under the pressure of producing good results.

Still, miracolously, I did unexpectedly well on the concert. For the first time I felt that the stage is entirely mine, I have good contact with the instrumentalists performing with me, and they also inspired me very much during the performance (I was singing a solo cantate by Pepusch, When Love's soft passion). Afterwards I've got such compliments I have never even had imagined to get before (now I am getting more and more of them). On top of that Evelyn Tubb told me that even if I didn't do everything as we agreed on the general rehearsal, it was good what I was doing up there (and hearing such a compliment from her prickeled something up in me), but she also said that I will have to work on my technique to support my ideas on stage and that I have to find the singer inside me. The whole week slowly began to make sense and the surroundings cast a spell on me in the last few hours I spent in Karkku. I was crying like a little kid when I had to leave (I think I've scared the sh*t out of Hanna Graeffe, who gave me a lift to the train station). After this rush of emotions a day passed and I understood: I was reborn in Karkku at Sastamala Gregoriana. I had several singing lessons and Alexander technique sessions in Budapest after this summer course and many things just went a bit better. That was the time when I began to experiment and play around with my voice a bit more and truly trying to explore the limits of my vocal abilities. I don't know what exactly have changed, but I wasn't the same person anymore when I returned from Karkku.

I kept on searching for the singer inside me and also my real voice (not the one I imagined I have, but the way it would really sound), and this process started an avalanche of events and now I am here and writing this entry, encouraging all of you to dare to be daring. Of course I have skipped a whole series of things that happened to me, but if you'd ask "Gosh, just what happened to you in the past months?". Well, I would smile a little and my answer would be only this: "Life happened."