Cry all your heart out! You pee less...

Yes, you've heard me right: cry all your heart out! you pee less...

Crying, tears, sobbing and such are associated nowadays with something tragic, sad or even horrible. If you would ask anyone on the street where do you have the greatest chance see crying people, one of the first answers will be "at funerals". If you would ask me, the first three locations I'd name would be the following: singing lessons, the solitude of a practise room, and during conversations on the phone.

But why do we cry? Why do the salty water comes out of our eyes when the emotions we feel are so overwhelming that we cannot help but cry, cry, cry and cry? Frankly, I have no idea, I’m just doing it, and... Oh, wait... you haven’t had such an overwhelming rush of emotions before that you couldn’t help but cry, cry, cry and cry? OK, really, wait a minute, I think this needs some explanation before you’d think I am seriously depressed and that I should go and consult with a Viennese specialist about my mental condition (and that conversation would end up him trying to convince me about the non-existent problem I have with my mother...).

So,just to be clear: in my opinion crying is the most natural way of dealing with stress and a natural sign of the melting emotional blockage. In an earlier entry of mine I've already mentioned F. M. Alexander, saying: "You translate everything - whether physical, mental, or spiritual into muscular tension.". Every single muscular tension caused by some emotional impulse that you cannot release stays in your body in different ways, and they become hard as rocks as time passes by. Now, this wouldn't be much of a problem, if these "rocks" wouldn't cause further problems when it comes to singing. I am saying this, because even the smallest "rock" on your diaphragma can cause malfunction and can prevent you to make connection with you own instrument. When these rocks are melting away, one of the most common signs the thaw is warm, salty water pouring from your eyes, or in other words: crying. The intensity of this can be as diverse as you can imagine. In my case it comes with serious mood-swings, severe pain and deep anguish (I think I partly re-live emotionally the contents of these "rocks").

In the very beginning when these mood-swings and intense crying occured, I seriously thought that I have a serious case of depression. I still remember me sitting at the table with my plate of food and my tears were falling in my food, and I had really no idea why I was even crying. The next time it happened in the middle of practise, and by the time I could calm down and continued practising I felt that everything opened up and they remained open. After this I've asked Heent Prins about me crying a lot, and stuff like that and she said: "It's normal. It's just a sign that the problems (one by one) are solved."

And as she told me this suddenly I remembered one of my first Alexander Technique lessons. I had to imagine something I wanted really badly and also imagining it not taking that by force but by imagining it being rewarded with it and take it gently as something that I deserve (and as something that wants to belong to me). The moment I was able to imagine this I started to cry and couldn't stop the tears for several minutes.

Like this I had 3 confirmations of the fact that crying is good and nothing is wrong with the state of my mind and after that I was sure I won't need a Viennese specialist - ever. The only unpleasant feature of this kind of development and problem-solving is that it can happen anytime and anywhere, and the people around you just freak out and they think something bad happened to you, or your are sad. I think, even if you tell them nothing is wrong and everything is perfect, because of the unstoppable flow of tears nobody will ever believe you (maybe if you explain them hundred times and more, they might grasp a little bit of it, but not more). There was a few weeks when I did not want to meet certain people and I was happy not seeing them, because I would have been so happy about seeing them that I would just instantly have started to cry and I couldn't have been able to explain them properly the whole situation (actually it really does sound like an excuse when you state "everything will be all right" with tears in your eyes, so you cannot even blame them...). But now regardless this fear of mine, I don't care about their doubts, I am sure this works for me, and I am sure it works for everyone else as well.

So just go on, cry all your heart out! You pee less...

Dare to be daring, darling (part 2)

In my previous entry you could read my testimony about being daring. Back then when I was a kid, I was braver and more daring than I am now, but I am working to get back into that fearless state, when I didn't care about what people would think of me, just do whatever I like and enjoy it to the utmost.I am still in a constant and continuos changing process. I swear, I am not even the same person I was a month ago.

But being daring doesn't mean only that you are brave enough to take the chances, that's only the first step. Step 2 is when you are creating those chances and oppurtunities. Step 3 is when you don't think about anymore what people think about you, not before and not afterwards (not even years and years after). Of course the society and people who like to use the word "normal" will hate you, and they will talk about you behind your back, but the more people you make angry the more sure can you be that you are on the good path towards freedom and being a daring person.

Being able to deal with all the decisions that you'll ever make or you have ever made in your life means that you undertake yourself, and that you are free from self-judgment, which is one of the most essential things on the way to deal with your true-self. Sometimes we want to push ourselves in certain shapes so we won't stick out from the crowd - we do this to stay away from unnecessary conflict (with other people or even with ourselves).

Dare to be daring, darling... Who would tell that breathing out as much as possible until you don't have any air left in your lungs is also just as much of a challenge as facing your true self? Everyone (including singers) is holding their breath all the time and treating inhalation as some supernatural thing, but just as I mentioned before, breathing is your life-support. It works by itself and manipulating it in any way only good for damaging the voice. If you think that air is a harmless element, take a look at what a strong windblow can do to a tree:

Scary, right? What do you think, what does the manipulated, pushed-out air will do to your vocal chords? If you push the air out using your rectus abdominis muscle, and you don't let your diaphragm work by itself, you can get a hoarse voice quite soon, and if you keep up, you can even get some serious vocal problems (vocal chord nodules, vocal fold cyst, laryngitis, chorditis, etc.). Trust your body, because your body knows better than you (actually your brain) knows, and it knows how to work properly you just have to dare to let the body take over the muscular work while you are singing and speaking.
Interesting enough, every problem you encounter during singing, they are there during speaking. If you think about it, it is obvious: since singing is speaking in slow motion, than it is obvious that like when you slow down a video footage, the "problems" are easier to recognize than at normal speed.

OK, don't freak out! Your body knows better, so all you have to do is to let your fears go and dare to be daring, darling!
And just to make sure you'll finish reading this entry with a smile on your face or a good laugh, there you go, and inspirational picture and an example of Tim:

In memoriam Joe Cocker (1944-2014)

Rest in peace, Mr Joe Cocker. Your songs were the first ones I was listening to when I was a kid. Everyone else at my age was listening to some music for kids, but I've listened to your songs; my parents bought your Best of collection in 1993, and they had already Night calls (1990). I didn't even know what you are singing in songs like Unchain my heart and You can leave your hat on, but I was shoutingly singing along with you.

You are great inspiration for me, and a proof that you don't have to produce a pretty sound to mesmerize your audience. You always stayed with the lyrics and kept on speaking through your entire performance. It's a pity I won't ever be able to listen live anymore.

The world has lost a warm hearted, special and excellent artist. Now I understand somehow what you're singing about in Hymn for my soul, therefore let me salute to you with this song of yours:

Dare to be daring, darling (part 1)

Something happened to me in the summer of 2013 in Finland.

In January 2013 after a masterclass with Evelyn Tubb, she suggested to apply for a summer course in Finland, so I applied, got accepted and went there, though every sane reason told me to do the opposite: I went financially broke by that time (even more than any student could be; couldn't pay my rent and the last months of tuition fee at school), and I should have worked through the whole summer including that life-changing week at Sastamala Gregoriana (which I actually did in the end, but for that week I tried to be a musician and not giving a single f*ck about my financial situation). But in the end, with the help of my family I got to Karkku (fortunately I could pay for the course from my master budget), and then - comparing to what I have done this year - I was running around like a poisoned rat: to workshops and from there to the masterclass session, from masterclass to practise and from practise to workshops, and I really tried to keep the meal schedule as well. Tried sauna but didn't really work out for me (this year I figured, I should have jumped in that lake next to the sauna) and got just as stressed out at school. I thought that the time for socializing is a waste of time and I was really thinking I would be able to learn everything there. Now I know I tried way too hard, I pushed myself too much towards knowledge and at the same time because of pushing myself too much I couldn't enjoy the surroundings and the company of the rest of the participants to the fullest. Of course I talked to them, but I couldn't give them the attention they deserved, because I had an unsolved problem with myself, I was restless and I put myself under the pressure of producing good results.

Still, miracolously, I did unexpectedly well on the concert. For the first time I felt that the stage is entirely mine, I have good contact with the instrumentalists performing with me, and they also inspired me very much during the performance (I was singing a solo cantate by Pepusch, When Love's soft passion). Afterwards I've got such compliments I have never even had imagined to get before (now I am getting more and more of them). On top of that Evelyn Tubb told me that even if I didn't do everything as we agreed on the general rehearsal, it was good what I was doing up there (and hearing such a compliment from her prickeled something up in me), but she also said that I will have to work on my technique to support my ideas on stage and that I have to find the singer inside me. The whole week slowly began to make sense and the surroundings cast a spell on me in the last few hours I spent in Karkku. I was crying like a little kid when I had to leave (I think I've scared the sh*t out of Hanna Graeffe, who gave me a lift to the train station). After this rush of emotions a day passed and I understood: I was reborn in Karkku at Sastamala Gregoriana. I had several singing lessons and Alexander technique sessions in Budapest after this summer course and many things just went a bit better. That was the time when I began to experiment and play around with my voice a bit more and truly trying to explore the limits of my vocal abilities. I don't know what exactly have changed, but I wasn't the same person anymore when I returned from Karkku.

I kept on searching for the singer inside me and also my real voice (not the one I imagined I have, but the way it would really sound), and this process started an avalanche of events and now I am here and writing this entry, encouraging all of you to dare to be daring. Of course I have skipped a whole series of things that happened to me, but if you'd ask "Gosh, just what happened to you in the past months?". Well, I would smile a little and my answer would be only this: "Life happened."

Teachers and mentors

I have 10 years of singing lessons behind my back. Or so to say: I have had my ever first singing teacher about 10 years ago. I had several singing teachers, and I would like to list them for you here and also what I have learned from them.

Erzsébet Feichter
My ever first singing teacher at the Béla Bartók music school in Békéscsaba (Hungary). I was her pupil for two joyful years filled with Italian arie antiche. This was also the time when I decided to become a singer instead of getting a well-paid job - well done there, dear me...

Zsolt Oláh
I had private singing lessons from him in Budapest (Hungary) and he taught me how important it is that your audience understand the lyrics you are singing on, and he was the first one who jokingly shouted at me: Open your mouth!! And nevertheless, his warm bariton voice is just as sweet as a cello can be...

Ildikó Hajnal
My main subject teacher (head of the Early Music department) and singing teacher during the 6 years I have spent in Fontys Conservatorium. Yes, she is Hungarian, living in The Netherlands for several years now, and she is an amazing singing teacher, singer and musician. She taught me many things, and I will be always grateful to what she's done for me during these years. She taught me the importancy of knowing your body (though I'm afraid I will never be such an anatomy expert as she is), to know what happens in your body while you are singing. Also she encouraged me to find my own path and played a huge role in me becoming the person I am now (whether she admits it or not, it's true). She was also the one who introduced me to Lajos Szamosi's approach to freedom in singing

Peggy Hegeman
I had singing lessons from her during my Master studies, and we were working on my classical repertory, and some twang and belting (for Gershwin and Cole Porter). She taught me to dare to make my own choices, and gave me these two amazing sentences:  

1. Singing is moving air, not bricks.
2. Don't take a breath for the whole week!

Whenever she said in the beginning of the lesson "Let's make some noise", I knew the fun is about to happen. She also taught me how important it is to stay in the flow and (as she said) not shaking hand with every single note I am singing. She encouraged me to keep myself open and willing to know more about different singing techniques and methods, approaches - and in the end make the selection from this bunch of information for myself.

Kinga Cserjési
I had my first lessons on Lajos Szamosi's approach from her and she was the first one to ask after a few rounds of excercises: how was it? And she kept asking questions like this, bring me to analyse and watch what I am doing (completing the Alexander Technique lessons and Ildikó's goal to make me more aware of what happens in my body), and slowly I became able to work on myself and using creativity and intelligence as a tool in my own development. Until then I thought my intellect and intelligence is rather a curse on me than an advantage, and now I know that using your intelligence on the wrong place can work against you, but allowing your intellect doing what it needs to do can bring you forward. Just keep calm and let the different parts of your body (muscles, organs, etc.) and your personality work efficiently and not like a workaholic, all the time.

Heent Prins
The loveliest and calmest old lady I've ever met, living in The Hague, and was the singing teacher of Kinga Cserjési. Heent still had lessons from Lajos Szamosi, and I continue my learning process on this approach by having singing lessons from her. She is teaching me how singing can be as simple as breathing, and that you just need to keep yourself open, listen very well, open your mouth and breathe. Not taking a breath, because that's some kind of preparation before producing a sound, but because breathing is a natural need to stay alive (this idea completes Peggy's sentence: Don't take a breath for the whole week). Letting go the control of your conscious and let your subconscious (a.k.a. your body) work is a great risk, but "Your body knows better" (Edvin Szamosi), so just let your body work for you and benefit from its natural wisdom. It is damn scary, but worths the effort to let go.

Breath yourself free - The Szamosi Approach to Freedom in Singing

In an earlier entry I mentioned Lajos Szamosi's name and I even quoted him about how important is the connection between a free mind and a free voice.
Freedom in singing (in my opinion and according to many) comes from the freedom in your breathing. If your breathing is not free, your voice just cannot be free, because singing is basically speaking in slow-motion on different heights in your vocal-range, with or without rhythm but certainly with some kind of pulse, it depends the style and genre of the piece/song in question. Also, without breathing out you cannot speak, you cannot even produce a sound. The fact that changing the "pitch" during this speaking in slow motion becomes a melody is mostly thanks to a composer's idea and/or the performer's musicality, but melodious phrases or not, singing is still breathing out and nothing more than that. Sounds like a piece of cake, right? Well, it's not, but as a matter of fact we are making it difficult for ourselves.

Before I would go on discussing this, here's this quite famous quote by F. M. Alexander:

"You translate everything - whether physical, mental, or spiritual into muscular tension."

But where does this muscular tension comes from? How does it appears in our body? In order to let the muscles in your body function well, they need oxygen, to which the most basic life support gives a helping hand, and this is breathing. You don't need to think about breathing, neither you need to think about let your heart beat, you just do it. Now... whenever something unexpected or even something expected happen to us - whether it's good or bad - our breathing naturally reacts to it, and mostly it stops for a split of a second. Do you remember when you were a kid and you played hide-and-seek? You might remember that you even held your breath a little while you were hiding in your hide-out. The same happens when you are afraid of something or fear starts to take control over your mind: your breathing changes and your body translates your fears into muscular tension.

On top of this, all of us have the urge and the wish to blend in the society, but this wish doesn't come from our nature, it is rather how our parents raised us. People behave in a certain way because they were told or taught (some even tamed) to behave that certain way. I bet everyone knows the mainstream psychology experiment with the monkeys and the ladder, for those who don't know see this link.

We would like to blend in the society because in the ancient times being alone and being seperated from the tribe meant that you're condemned to death. So the same survival instinct that keeps us breathing actually is also to be "blamed" for making us being afraid of standing alone and stick out from the crowd. I'm not saying that teamwork and society is bad, and I also would like to emphasize that nothing is black and white on this matter. Just as I mentioned in my previous entry: the "goodness" of a result (or in this case anything) depends on the current situation, therefore blending into the society in order to survive is a good attempt, but completely useless at obtaining personal freedom.
Also blending in the society demands you to say no to your yearning for freedom, and answer the expactations of the term "normal" and "usual". Why? Because you would like to belong to the tribe, you don't want to stand alone, you would like to survive. Of course as soon as you discover and taste a little bit of inner personal freedom you realize that these terms are just not applying on your life and those are just patterns you can push yourself to hold onto. The terms mentioned above bring a few other terms along like "beauty", "good", "bad", etc. Norms that shouldn't rule your daily life but give you a decent guideline instead.

The Szamosi Approach to Freedom in Singing aims for freeing yourself from these norms and from the urge to judge every single thing you do. According to Lajos Szamosi (see his biography here) there is no beautiful voice, neither an ugly sound: if the voice is free than it naturally delights the listener (I would say:  beauty in itself is boring, but beauty with content is more valuable than anything). Just like Friedrick Matthias Alexander, the developer of the Alexander Technique, Lajos Szamosi also strove to overcome his own vocal problems, and he actually also succeeded to correct these vocal problems (but in the end he got so passionate about teaching that his carreer didn't matter much anymore in the end). Fun fact: Alexander and Szamosi were each other's contemporaries, but they (as far as I know) never met, still they got to the exact same conclusion while working on their own very similar problems: you can solve your vocal problems by freeing your breath.

A free and smooth airflow brings the necessary amount of oxygen to the muscles, helps to keep your mind clear and as a result the muscles become relaxed, and remain in a relaxed and open state. There's a singing excercize I've learnt a while ago that makes you breath out more and more; as a result you feel dizzy at a certain point (because there's too much oxygen in your blood), and if you go on regardless the dizzyness, you will pass out a little. Recently I picked up this excercize at Heent Prins's lessons and at some point I got frustrated that I got dizzy after each round of this excercize, so I've asked her whether it is possible to get used to exhalate this much, to which her answer was accompanied by a huge nod (like it was so obvious, and it was obvious actually): "Can you get used to it? Yes!"
If you would like to get to know this approach, and you happen to live in The Netherlands, two licenenced teachers of the Szamosi Approach will come here and give a workshop on 6 December 2014 in The Hague. For more info, please click here.