#IndependentWoman

Recently I was facing certain questions about myself and you know, you'd think that by the time you turn 33 years-old you already have your personality completely figured out. And I think I know pretty much who I am and I am proud of the woman I've become. I am grateful for everything I had in my life, and I am satisfied with my career as it is.

I get asked many times if I wouldn't want to have more work in the music and then I think about the 3 ensembles I manage, the 2 choirs I am conducting and another ensemble I am coaching, the churches I am doing musical duties at, and there's this foundation (Stichting Zin in Zingen) I am working with, and the projects I am doing as a guest singer occasionally and so on, and there's teaching and then I am like: Work even more? Isn't this just enough? Yeah, of course, it would be great to become rich and doing that CD recording I've been being asked in the summer whether I have one or not, but next to a part-time job and the diverse musical activities I have and my own vocal- and personal development I have hardly time for posting new entries on this blog, not to mention the fact that when I mention to my Friday date all the things I listed above just now, I get two different reactions. The first reaction is that they ask me if I'd have any room at all for a relationship being so busy, and they already assuming I don't, without me actually giving an answer to this question. The second reaction is that they don't ask this question, just assume that I'd probably don't have time for a relationship so I'd obviously wouldn't mind being treated as a hook-up material or just simply back off - what flattering options to have, isn't it? Anyway, I get assumptions and they make decisions for me without even being asked whether I'm fine with their conclusion or not (let me tell you, no woman would be satisfied or happy with a man making decisions for them - I know, this might be shocking for many! - insert sarcastic joke here). Well, for these gentlemen, whose head are full of their assumptions about me and my intentions, I have no room, no emotional energy and definately no time at all (unless they come out of their head and stop reading between my lines 😉)
So work more? I don't know, maybe. But surely not wasting time for delusional men.

The best was when I was accused of not being a feminist. Well, this made me think a little. I have always considered myself as an "equalist" when it comes to gender rights and gender gap. When I say "equalist", I mean I believe that men and women deserve to be treated as equal, since both of them belong to the human race. There shouldn't be any discrimination based on biological differences. I don't like to call myself a feminist, because then I would be considered as a feminazi as well, who hate men, and as a matter of fact I don't hate men. I love them! I love everything about them! They make great friends and some of them can be excellent lovers (I guess) and very few of them could make exceptionally good partners (the kind I am looking for, actually). In the old fashioned way, I am a true feminist, I act like one. I take pride in the fact that I pay for my monthly expenses, my rent, food on my own, and really I am the Independent Woman from the Destiny's Child song. I am super excited about the 8-week long boxing training I'm about to begin in the end of this month. I am proud of the fact that I can make it on my own without the financial support of some boyfriend or husband or anyone, actually. It's not that I wouldn't need or wouldn't want to have a relationship...

Or well, you know what?

I don't want a relationship. I want partnership. I am an equalist. I want someone with whom we treat eachother like equals. If I don't have that, I prefer to be single, because I am happy the way I am and I don't need a relationship to justify my existence or to give me the flattering status of someone's girlfriend or wife. Again, I'm not against of becoming someone's girlfriend or wife, but not in a relationship that's only relative, I want to be equal with my man. I want to build a castle with him - figuratively. Accepting eachother as we are with all our scars and flaws, laugh together, inspire, forgive and understand eachother. That's what I want...


But well, back to the singing part and music and work and such.
People usually ask me if I've ever thought about singing in a professional choir. And really, I did. I gave it a thought and decided not to do it, not only because I am terrible with auditions. I don't even hold auditions with Bartók Rózsái Együttes for the vacant places, because I don't believe in the efficiency of an audition to filter out candidates for a possible long-term cooperation.
I knew it quite soon back at the Conservatory that I don't want to do the same things fellow-singers did: going to auditions, sometimes just for the sake of doing it and not particularly to get the gig - seriously, I will never understand this madness. Once I asked a friend what is it like to go to these auditions and she told me it's like doing a singing exam at school. I was like: Eh? What's the point of that?? I think it's really rude from the professional world to keep freshly graduated singers in the student state this way. I hated singing exams! There's no way in hell I'd want to go back there! No wonder I've always been bad at auditions...
Don't get me wrong, if you like them, knock yourself out, but I'm not joining this vicious circle of sending me back to exam situations. By the way, this might be also the infected wound which the classical music world actually suffers from - but it's really just a thought.

I will never settle for something less than my goal. Not in my professional life and surely not in my private life.

So here you go:

• I am a feminist, but not a feminazi.
• I am traditional in some cases, but very radical when it comes to (social) causes I am passionate about.
• I am old fashioned, but I don't mind taking the first step.
• I love to experiment with literally anything with the right people in the right circumstances - and not only because my whole self as an early musician and performing artist revolves around experiment and new sensations all the freakin' time
• I believe and trust in God, but I'm not a religious fanatic (like those crazy people from Margaret Atwood's Gilead - a huge shout out to The Handmaid's Tale and The Testaments which is an astonishing deduction to what would happen if religious fanatics would take over in the politics)

I could go on with this list forever. Nothing in life is ever black and white.

Blessed are the no'-s and rejections

You are reading the blog of someone who got rejected many times. Before I got in the Early Music department of the conservatory in Tilburg, I had got rejected from two other Hungarian Conservatories, and got accepted to one but for financial reasons, the class didn't start (yes, it's a thing in Hungary). Regardless the fact that I'm not an ugly or mean person I have been rejected as woman by men as well, believe it or not. 

Yet, I rejoice and I say: God bless those no's and rejections!

For some reason we consider hearing "no" or rejection as a negative, and it is completely fine to feel that way when we come across them. It is important though that we don't stay in this negative mindset, because it can be more damaging than anyone woul ever think. It's OK to lick your wounds, you need it to recover properly from a bad experience. 

I don't know why, but rejection and being told "no" has always been a motivation for me to work harder to want even more than I initially wanted. If I think about it now, my life is filled with rejection and "no", yet I see them as signs pointing in a different direction or even pointing out what I need to work on more. Sometimes encountering rejection is just indicating that you need to change the method and not the direction. Also people tend to say rather "no" than giving a detailed feedback on what they actually not confortable with - I know, because I'm doing this exact same thing (I know, not really smart of me, but I'm just as much human as anyone else). 

Of course I don't see rejection as a feedback on my deeds at first, I even flip out maybe, but after I get my act together, I reflect on it, take a good look at it, sort out what I did out of miscalculations, or which elements were based on my fears and number of other factors, and then I change my method. The goal is the same.

Singing and music has always been present in my life ever since I was born (even before, I think, for I listened to music and the baptist church's repertory in my mother's womb). I decided quite late to become a singer and before I'd have become an early musician I wanted to be an opera singer - I think, I mentioned this before. In reality, I didn't want anything else, and I don't want anything else even today than sing as much as possible and back then opera seemed the most logical choice, and I was also fond of the genre.

Who knows? If I'd have never got accepted to Tilburg to study early music, I would have become an opera singer and who knows, I could have been able to make it first into smaller and later some bigger roles. However, the stuff that I am doing now is very much different from what I had initially imagined back then when I was 17 years-old. As an opera singer I would depend on an opera company, my agent, my pupils and Lord knows what else. I would be bound to all these and I would probably feel miserable as I have always longed for independence and freedom, to be able to fly freely without wings even. 

What do I have now?

I'm a singer specialized in early repertories (medieval, Renaissance and Baroque), I have different ensembles, and I am coordinating our projects together with my colleagues whom I can also call my friends - true friends who would never let me down (in the opera world your relationship is less likely like that with your colleagues - although there are exceptions, of course). If I don't become a singer the way I did I would be a different person for sure. I am free and independent. I have found balance and I have found my own way, and all that thanks to all the rejections I had to meet and all the "no" I had to hear. 

Sometimes we have an idea about what would be the best for us, but my experience is that things have never turned out the way I expected them to, instead they turned out much better. I even had the chance to experiment with improvising operas in two different ways! How cool is that?

Old habits and traditions

Today we're contemplating on old habits and traditions...

As some of you might know, next to being a singer specialized in early music I am also a choir conductor. Rather a semi-professional conductor, because I only have done a side study next to singing at the conservatory. Before I came to the Netherlands to study singing I was enrolled at the Baptista Teológiai Akadémia in Budapest (Academy of Baptist Theology) and I was a student at the church music department with the main subject choir conducting (my teacher was Gábor Oláh at that time). Before that I studied choir conducting at the Baptist Summer Course (Baptista Egyházzenei Tanfolyam) in Újpest for six or seven years, so from the age of 16 or 17 years-old I am standing in front of choirs - mostly church choirs. Also church music is the genre I feel myself at home the most. I grew up in church environments, religion and church was a part of my weekly routine (and lo! And behold! I still turned out pretty normal).

Ever since I am working with choirs and especially church choirs I come across the following sentence more and more often: "But we have always sung it this way". Whenever I hear this sentence I get a weird itch in my palms and only my respect for others stops me from bitch slapping the person who dared to state such nonsense.
First of all, as a conductor in charge I don't give a damn about previous conductors' musical interpretation and anyone expecting me to be that previous conductor is actually an expectation I will never ever fulfill. It's not that i don't care about their work, I do care and cherish their work! But they are not me and I am not them. The artistic tools, musicality and personality is not the same, so why would you stay in the past with someone who has already left for another opportunity?

Now, it's of course never about any of this expectation, but it's being used to camouflage the laziness and the fear of change.

The moment a sentence like this leaves your lips beware of the fact that your development has stopped a long ago and you don't want to grow further. In case of (church) choirs it's a sign of becoming old and an early sign of the death of the choir. Thoughts that refer to old ways and habits (whether it's a choir's or of an individual) and being comfortable with them is very dangerous.

Now, tradition might sound like a pile of old habits connected to eachother, but it's not. Tradition is a repeated activity or event that has a purpose. A purpose that's more than serving people's comfort. It makes you remember who you are, what your community has gone through, a heroic deed in respect of the hero or heroes. Or anything like this. Not all commemorations make you feel comfortable, not all of them are nice, but it's a beautiful thing to have - traditions remind you to your roots and makes you look back the road you have behind your back.
From the moment a tradition's purpose is lost or gets forgotten it becomes a habit, an empty shell, an abomination.

Old habits on the contrary have no higher purpose. If you refuse change for the fake safety old habits can offer you, at a certain point you'll loose the joy you used to feel. Kodak refused to go digital, now they are almost nowhere to be found. Blockbuster didn't take seriously the importance of online streaming and now they are gone and Netflix took over. What's the same in Kodak and Blockbuster? They refused change. They ignored the change of circumstances. They got stuck in the "We've always done it this way" and that was their doom.

Notice an old habit that has no purpose anymore? Change! Have you heard yourself recently saying that dreadful sentence "I always do it this way"? Change it! Could you take another route to your work? Take another one every once in a while on the way back home. Have you caught yourself playing or singing the same piece the same way all over again? Change the phrasing, the tempo the dynamics, anything.

Look at life and things around you like you have never seen them before! Your own experience is the greatest obstacle in your professional and personal development. Remember, it's never late to change your old habits.

I know, I quoted him many times (especially this one), but remember what Mark Twain said:
"Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover. ”

Sail away from the safe harbour of your habits, even if they give you comfort and safety. Leave the conform-zone every once in a while. Challange yourself with new ways of doing your daily activities. The change doesn't have to be grand, do it little by little, step by step. Surprise yourself with spontaneous turns and moves, try out new things.

I would like to close today's thoughts with a Russian proverb: "The shark that doesn't swim drowns."

Notre Dame thoughts

I have been planning on writing this entry for a while after seeing all the complaints about the money raised for the restauration of the Notre Dame in Paris.

On Monday evening when I saw the first news about the fire I had a heavy feeling of worries in my chest. I felt that my heart is breaking a little. I'm not Catholic, and I have never been to the cathedral, but somehow the Notre Dame is still an important building for me for many reasons.

The organ
My first thought was immediately: the organ! My Dad is a very good amateur organ player and on Sunday mornings, when I was a kid, we have listened to the organ music they played on the Hungarian Bartók Rádió. Many of these recordings were recorded at the Notre Dame. That instrument is an old, awesome and precious one! I'm not playing the organ, but I respect the instrument itself, along with all the organ players who contributing to its greatness.
Even if you're not a Christian, you should have respect for their hard work! 
And how relieved and happy I was when I heard that the organ remains intact!

The building
The Notre Dame - as many of you know - is a Gothic cathedral with countless paintings, frescos, stained glass windows, statues and architectural achievements.
Even if you're not a Christian, you should respect for the hard work of the builders and the input of the artists!

The music
If you're a Musician, you should know that without the Notre Dame School we wouldn't have polyphonic music, nor Classical nor pop music (fine, it might had just happened at another cathedral's school, but you cannot deny the fact that it was this particular cathedral and the university associated to it that made the whole thing possible and served as a location to it). The Notre Dame style organum, the birth of polyphony and mensural notation is associated with the cathedral. We know that the organum compositions were widely spread throughout Europe from Scotland to Sweden. From the organums' clausulas came the motets and so on and so on. That cathedral had witnessed the first steps of polyphonic music and the beginnings of the development of mensural notation.
As an Early Musician you should be worried when such location is almost being destroyed by the fire.
Even if you're not a Christian and/or Early Musician, you should be relieved that the Notre Dame is not gone.

You know, I was happy when I saw that on the same evening rich people offered huge amounts of money for the restauration. I was happy, because finally they were openly giving out money for something that has an estetic, cultural, musical and spiritual value - on something that stands for the values I can also appreciate. The restauration and the rebuilding of the Notre Dame is everyone's responsibility and there are seriously people who say that that money could be used for better things? Really? Are you really going to tell others what they should donate money for? And how do you know that these companies and rich people doesn't donate on the causes that you're thinking about?

When I saw all these complaints on Social media platforms and in the newspaper, I couldn't believe my own eyes. Az

On a personal note in this personal note: I know, I might be too ambitious, and maybe I'm a dreamer, but I do wish I could sing organum or any other genre related in this gorgeous cathedral once. So please, don't whine upon the donations for its restauration, because you're messing with my dreams.

Aside from that and all in áll: respect and appreciate your ancestors' hard work. If you don't do so, your work will be neglected and unappreciated too at a certain point.

Priorities

There's something I learned a few years ago, like five or six years ago: set your priorities.

But what are these priorites? How can you decide what's the most important for you at the moment you set them? This morning I've found the ever first interview I gave in my life from 2014, the year when I graduated from my MA studies. At that time artistic development was all I cared for and I was sure that the rest will come by itself. I wanted to develop artistically by growing as a person, figuring out who I really am - just like every young adult does in their 20s.

I remember back then I wanted to make it as a performing artist, a singer, I wanted to be a bright hot star, but not for myself but for others to recongnize my talent, and maybe I wanted badly to grab someone's attention - like it would mattered if that person recognizes my talent. Today I know that my talent is just one little detail of the person who I am. I don't need anyone's recognition anymore. I am fully capable woman, standing on my own, just like I've always been. Ever since I don't care about success, fame, wealth or being able to make a living out of singing and music, I am free. Not caring about these earthly treasures liberated me completely, and now I have time for more valuable priorities, such as family, friends, my garden and above all these: myself.

I look back of my reckless 20s with nostalgy and with a little laughter. It's not that I don't want to face beautiful musical challanges anymore, but I changed my mentality about it. I try to choose my battles and challanges carefully in such way that I am aware that I am the one who takes care of the firm emotional background, I am the one who takes care of Johanna Földesi, and not someone else. I'm almost sure that even if I would be in a relationship, I would still be the only one who would be responsible for this task and I would only have a tiny support and space given to be able to do so. Actually I was a little kid when I had the very strong feeling that I would have to learn to be able to be alone and to be a good companion for my very self. This childhood memories follows me on my path every day, and sometimes life just gets overwhelming and too much - at times like this I just stop, take a good look at myself and I decide whether I could use some help or not.
It doesn't sound too flattering, right? Don't worry, it's not as bad as it might sound like.

But back to priorities! Here are some top priorities of the 33 years old Johanna Földesi.

Quality above quantitiy
I remember when I was in my 20s I could do a thousand stuff in a day and now I am happy if from the 6 tasks I planned for a day I can do the half of it, but then I do them right. It gives me now more satisfaction than the amount of tasks I complete per day.

Reputation
You know, as you age, it's all about dignity. There are certain things I would do at the age of 33 years, what I would have definitly had done when I was 23. Fame and wealth can shine so bright that you don't see the dirt and the wrong under it. You're blinded by their illusion.
Once you get to a certain age, and you don't have to be 50+ to be an example for the younger generation, to become an influence for a youngster. I believe that as an artist you're responsible for those who look up to you and your work and your morals should show that. So stop messing around and grow up! Act like an adult person, even if it seems hard. You can be a kid again when you perform, but accepting adulthood will only help you to develop further as a human being.

Family and friends
Not blindfoldedly and not putting them before yourself, but they are top priority. And sometimes you have friends who make up for some family members - no offense, really. Of course, in the end you're the one that's responsible for yourself, but you also need some support from your family and friends, and sometimes you have to be their support. Whatever happens, just do your best to be there for them: check on them, ask them how they are doing and ask it in such way that you're truly interested in their answer - you know what I'm talking about!

Be lazy sometimes
I have a very dear old friend in Vienna. This friend of mine a bit older than 80, but just as fresh as any young adult. Every once in a while I go and visit her in Vienna and then we talk about what has happened to us since we saw each other for the last time. Even though I spin around much less than I used to, I still do a lot of things and most of the times these "lot of things" happen in paralel with eachother. So there was me telling my friend how many things I am involved with, what amazing projects, and my job, and so on, to which she just told me: but are you also lazy sometimes? I just laughed and said that yes, every once in a while I just do nothing - although at that time I wasn't living up to it that much as I do now.
What I want to say is that you should be lazy sometimes. Just do nothing and enjoy it. And when I say "nothing" I mean literally nothing. Before I fully embraced the dolce far niente (= pleasant idleness) I seriously started to wonder about why am I so busy all the time? Am I busy because I'm really busy and things must get done, or because I think they must get done. Huge difference. Also, are these things coming from my side or is it something that necessary for the everyday life? I came to the conclusion that there are very few obligations in our lives that really are obligations, therefore I decided to be more relaxed about it, and one of the consequences of this decision was that my body let go of a lot of tension and I changed as a singer.
My way of thinking also have changed. For example if someone tells me that I should go to an audition of a talent show, because I'm told that I'm talented and it looks good on my CV and it would get me good connections, doesn't mean that I really should do that. It's rather that I have the freedom to choose to do the audition and even if I choose not to do it, I'm still the same talented singer I've always been.

Settle down
There comes a moment in life when you get more mature and you are not as bouncy-bouncy as you were when you were much younger. There comes a time in your life when you just want to have something to rely on and you just want to have a quite life with working in your garden, taking long walks in a forest and enjoying a glass of wine and cooking together with a good friend on a Friday evening. You start to feel that you need a safe harbour where you can return to for recovery and rejuvination.


It's funny how priorities change in just 5-6 years time. Of course, not everyone's priorities change this early as mine did, and that's also perfectly fine. I think, standing alone throughout my entire life anticipated this change. I had more time to figure things out for myself. I wouldn't call myself wise, I'm improvising through my entire life and there are just a few things I'm sure about, and those are my priorities. And the best thing about it, that your priorities will change as your life changes. Or at least that's how I survive, I believe...

Read, research, discover!

I'm a singer specialized in early music and as being one during my preparation for a concert  (regardless it's a programme that I put together or someone else) I'd do my research on the pieces I am supposed to sing. Looking up the origin of every single thing I have ever been busy with is probably a result of my insatiable curiousity, and it just got "worse" as I've got more and more involved with medieval and renaissance repertories.

Doing research became also a necessity, but also something I've always enjoyed to do. I think I've mentioned this before, but I decided to become a singer in the last year of grammar school (it is quite late to make such a decision, according to current standards - NB: it's a stupid standard), because I was tired of library hours and I needed challange. I didn't want to spend my entire adult life in a library. Little I had known back then that I'd be involved with early repertories which will demand a certain amount of library hours. I wasn't planning to become an early music singer I've just gradually become one. I still remember how I hated and cursed square notation and Gregorian chant at my first encounter with them during my studies and now I wouldn't be able to imagine my life without Gregorian chant, square notation and neumes! It was a true metamorphosis from being an old school Classical Musician-Singer into a brand new Early Musician-Singer. I had finally the tools to search back the origin of all those Renaissance motets I had ever sung with chamber and church choirs. I finally understood that Ave vera virginitas is just a little part of Josquin's Ave Maria motet. And I understood at last, why would historians would state that Johann Sebastian Bach was a revolutionaire composer for applying the old techniques with his newly developed ones. My growing knowledge on early repertories helped me to become a better and updated Classical Musician. The more I had to perform from early notation the better my sight-reading skills become.

I've seen classmates at conservatory who were completely clueless when they were pushed into doing research. They found it somehow a waste of time, and not as an opportunity to become better performers. The thing is that research will help you understand the pieces you're performing. Either you acknowledge this or not, sitting in your practice room won't ever make you a better performer, it will just make your technique better and not your performing skills. Imagine you have a really abstract piece on your programme: if you just playing the notes without understanding the piece itself, it doesn't matter how flawless your performance is, your audience will be bored and they won't understand the piece. Easy or abstract, any piece needs to be understood and only becoming as good as anyone else won't make you a better performer. Communicating the message behind - a message you decoded from the piece - will excite your audience. Technique will never excite or elevate them on the long term.

Therefore: read, research and discover! You think you've seen it all? Do you think you know everything? You couldn't be more wrong...

Enjoy the silence

This is something you shouldn't ever tell to a singer or a musician: enjoy the silence. Enjoy that you don't have concerts for a while, so you have time to rest and rejuvinate yourself.

2018 was the year of silence. It passed by rather concertless, but it doesn't mean that nothing happened to me. I have moved from one address to another within Tilburg. The street where I live now is named after an opera composer, and I did not know about getting on the list for this apartment and I was singing one of the arias by him all the time. So I started to build a nest for my very own. My nest is on the ground floor, so I even have a little garden where I planted strawberries, raspberries, irises, freesias and other flowers. This year I am planning to grow some vegetables as well. At the moment my garden is filled with crocuses

It took some time until I got used to this silent year, but a really dear friend of mine told me that I shouldn't be worried about it, because sometimes you need time to process everything that has happened to you after a certain amount of time. And I have to admit that from January 2017 until the end of February 2018, it was really a busy period and I didn't really have the time meanwhile to process everything that had happened to me: kicking off NoWoC and the tour to Estonia, finishing and performing the Mesekantáta (Fairy Tale Cantate) with Bartók Rózsái Énekegyüttes, or conducting and also singing a long-wished-for solo at the Choir and Conducting Course in Békéscsaba. These all happened in one year, and I haven't mentioned the small things yet. Or there was the trip to San Vigilio di Marebbe for the Libero Canto Conference, where I made and met friends. Amazing trips, meeting amazing people, moving to a new address, building a nest. That's a lot to process!

Not only this, but I have the feeling that 2019 won't be boring at all! On the contary. The silence of 2018 was only the silence before the storm, I do believe that I had to get my rest, before this awaiting busy period of my life.

I will keep you updated, don't worry. No spoilers this time ;)

If you ever encounter a longer silent period, don't be afraid. Something huge is coming up, for which you'll need to take a good rest, so you'll be able to do all those amazing and exciting things that awaits you.