The key to inner peace is...

... forgiveness.

For a long time I thought the key to inner peace is to be satisfied with your accomplished goals and being successful, but I had to realise that these things are rather results of the inner peace, than the inner peace itself.

It was about 3 years ago when I went to Finland for the Sastamala Gregoriana masterclass, and my senses awakened (see this entry for more), and that helped me realise how much negativity and resentment I am holding onto instead of letting go of old grudges. Of course, I was shocked seeing how many emotional loose ends I have. The shock was followed by embarrassment and frustration, and then I really decided to take care of my emotional loose ends. One would think these loose ends cannot cause much problems, but the more you have of them, the more they will block your way of getting over old things. And here I would quote here Carrie Fischer again: "... let's say something happens and from a certain slant, maybe it's tragic and even a little bit shocking. And then time passes and you go to the funny slant and now that very same thing can no longer do you any harm."
If you don't go to the "funny slant" as time goes by, and don't understand and accept that tragic and shocking experiences can no longer do you any harm, you'll get stuck in your past.

But how can you actually go to the funny slant? My mother always says: if you cannot laugh about it, you are not over it yet. Even top secret documents have expiration date, not to mention foodstuff. The only thing that certain and eternal in this World is that everything continuously changes. If you prevent this natural flow, there's no way you could come out of it healthy and unhurt.

Even at singing, if you for example grab on your larynx, you'll get eventually vocal problems after a while. The essence of Life is change, therefore for a healthy career you shouldn't be afraid of this natural flow.

How you take care of loose ends? You apply forgiveness. You forgive everyone that has ever intentionally or unintentionally hurt you - including yourself. There's always two sides of the coin and sometimes you just have to accept that whatever happened, it cannot be helped, just forgive without wanting to hear an apology.

I am still working on my loose ends. How about you?

Lie, lies, lieses, lieseses...Misery

"Oh! how great a Master is the Heart! Confess it, my beloved Singers, and gratefully own, that you would not have arrived at the highest Rank of the Profession if you had not been it's Scholars; own, that in a few Lessons from it, you learned the most beautiful Expressions, the most refin'd Taste, the most noble Action, and the most exquisite Graces: Own (though it be hardly credible) that the Heart corrects the Defects of Nature, since it softens a Voice that's harsh, betters an indifferent one, and perfects a good one: Own, when the Heart sings, you cannot lie, nor has Truth a greater Power of persuading: And, lastly, do you convince the World... that from the Heart alone you have learned that Je ne sçai quoy, that pleasing Charm, that so subtily passes from Vein to Vein, and makes its way to the very Soul." (Pier. Francesco Tosi: Observations on the Florid Song, 1723)

I'm a terrible liar, and I cannot tolerate lies. I don't like when I have to keep my mouth shut when I am supposed to tell the truth, even if I know neither of us in the conversation would be able to face the truth. I hate it also when people lie for me in order to somehow protect me. But the worst of all is when someone refuses to tell the truth just to avoid conflict.

Conflict is considered a bad thing nowadays, and you can guess already that I consider this consideration a proof of how cowards took over in our society. An interpretation of being polite also includes avoiding conflicts, which drags a few lies along, and then those lies bring some other lies with them, and in the end the situation ends up being miserable for everyone - although the act of politeness was supposed to bring peace, it brings only misery and grief to everyone. And on the other hand: how can you consider yourself a nice person if you don't tell the truth? I know, truth can be painful, but not as painful as deceiving or betrayal. How can anyone consider himself a responsible and decent person if he doesn't have the nerve to tell what's going on?

You know, the problem with lies is that there's only a beginning of the rest that comes after that. One single lie fosters and nourish another and another, and there's no way to stop the chain reaction, unless you go back to the first one and you neutralise it with truth. It's like the pest.
Another problem with telling lies in order to avoid conflict (because that's why everyone lies) is that after a certain point, you have no record on what you've said to whom.

How do dishonesty effect singing? Any act of pretending something you're not equals a lie you tell to your audience, fellow musicians, commissioners, and most importantly and sadly: to yourself. You can try to lie to anyone, but if you're lying to yourself, you'll get into problems. And don't worry about the results and success you achieved based on lies, or about being mistreated by lies, "for there is nothing hidden which will not be revealed, nor has anything been kept secret but that it should come to light." (Mark 4, 22)
And after you were caught on lying, you'll have to solve the conflict anyway.

So in order to put yourself in trouble, and to save some time for yourself, be true to yourself as a singer and as a human being. For if you cannot be true to yourself, how could you expect yourself to be true to others and others to be true to you? Sing, act and live from your Heart, the Heart that can correct the Defects of Nature. Be brave, you'll be fine.

Wishful singing - a confession

Hi! I'm Johanna, and I used to be addicted to painkillers.

Yes, you've heard me right. OK, not in extremes, but I was. Although, I cannot really decide if I took painkillers for their effect only, or because of willing to be able to rehearse through 4-6 hours with a sore throat. Or was it because of me willing to get rid of the pain of solitude, the bad feeling about listening to being constantly told I'm not good enough, and the pulsing pain of earlier wounds on my heart and soul? I wouldn't be able to tell anymore. Maybe all of them at the same time. Let's say, my desperation to fulfil all expectations and criteria made me choose for painkillers, but it doesn't make it look better...

Even funnier that regardless the fact that I was a youth-helper in a drug prevention programme back in grammar school, later taking occasionally painkillers developed into a tool for being able to rehearse.

Fortunately, I realised it right on time, and that time was when about 3 or 4 years ago I bought a package of paracetamol (20 pills) on a Tuesday and by Friday the package was empty. I was shocked. I knew myself as someone who's hardly get addicted to anyone and to anything. I knew it's not OK, so instead of taking pills, I switched to natural painkillers (thinking, natural stuff wouldn't do much damage... oh, the irony...) and propolis tincture worked out the best. The only problem with both that they are not advised to use them on long term. So later I had to get rid of using propolis too, which was even worse than paracetamol, because it's not only an antiseptic, but also a natural antibiotics. Now, you have to know that if you take any kind of antibiotics, you also have to do a probiotics cure, because antibiotics doesn't really care what kind of bacteria they kill. Just so you know: you have good bacteria in your digestive system. I think you can puzzle the rest together yourself...
Since the presence of these good bacteria in your digestive system is also responsible for a good immune system and prevents allergic reactions, as a result of my too-long propolis cure, my old egg and milk intolerance came back, and I cannot keep my weight. Sounds splendid, right?

Another thing that made me seriously wonder about this happened to me last week when in the middle of our rehearsal with Scherzi Musici I felt I am getting a sore throat (and my immediate reaction was to look for painkiller - what a bad old habit). After the rehearsal I had headache and felt exhausted. I knew these are the signs of getting sick, so I excused myself from the rehearsal in the evening with my church choir, got some stuff against flu (paracetamol, Vitamine C) from the drugstore and went to bed early, and stayed there for 3 days.  Until last week I only took paracetamol or any kind of painkiller if my period got really bad (I have a special pill for that prescribed by my gynaecologist) , but for other kind of pain I decided to rather deal with it somehow without any medicine, so let's say I was clean. As I was using these medicines I felt that my senses are numb and I cannot concentrate (it was also probably because of the light flu or cold).
I couldn't help but wonder: did paracetamol had this exact same effect back then? I mean, it would make sense, because during the 6 years of conservatory, as I look back now, certain periods are rather blurred together. OK, it was also a very intense period of my life, but still.

How did I quit my (light) addiction? The slight presence of a certain person helped me realise and quit. This certain person didn't know about my addiction, neither did anything directly to help, but that slight presence was a great help to overcome, and for that I will be grateful forever. I just realized much later that this person was also just a substitute for a painkiller, so I had to recover from that addiction as well. I feel myself lucky and I am grateful for being able to do so.

Got lightly hit by a car... but it's gone now

It happened about a month ago, and I think it's a story I will tell until I die, because it's the best thing ever happened to me. But let me tell you a little bit of background story to it first.

Back when I was a kid and still needed high chair to reach the table when we were eating - like everyone had one as a kid, so did I. I had this really bad habit of swinging with the high chair from each side to another and because I could balance myself pretty good (most of the times) I almost never fell. Yeah... almost... I fell once with the high chair on my right shoulder. I was (of course) crying, and it most definitely hurt (I can only remember as I was falling, no more than that), but my mother thought it's not necessary to go to see a doctor, because I could still move my arm. Basically there wasn't any visible injury. But as I was growing it came out that probably because of falling on my right shoulder, it dislocated a little bit. For a long-long time after this my right shoulder was always a bit higher than my left. Also it wasn't that much uncomfortable as one would think, though later when few years ago my body awakened and I've got overly sensitive about everything that happens in my body I could sense a certain constant pulling in my muscles on the right side of my body.

The weekend before my tiny bike-accident I had that certain moment I mentioned in The Letting go (Part 2), so when I've got through that, I already felt like I had got my life back along with the peace I could finally find. The Wednesday after this certain moment I've popped by a shop or two after I was done with working, and I also took a look at a sale in a shop. I tried on a beautiful pink satin one-shoulder dress, and the lady in the shop asked me whether I like it or not. I didn't like it, I loved it! Found my Nymph-outfit No. 2, so after hesitating a little the following sentence left my lips: "You live only once!" - and I bought the dress.

Few minutes after I was biking home and I was deep in my thoughts busy with creating possibilities to wear my new Nymph-outfit and to tell my ensemble-buddy, Karel Barten, what a treasure I've found for the next concert we'll perform our Dialogue between a Nymph and a Shepherd by John Jenkins. I was so deep in my thoughts I (somehow) couldn't see or sense that two cars were coming from the right, from the street that crosses the street where I live in Tilburg. I saw the first car, a yellow car, but I couldn't see the red car coming after the yellow one (it could have been also in the blind-spot of my eye-sight). I was also late with grabbing the breaks, and because the air was rather humid on that day, my breaks didn't work as well, as they should had to. Even though I tried to change direction with my bike, the red car still got the front wheel a little and I was falling on the car on my right arm (not on the front of the car, but on its middle), and then of course I fell on the ground. The guy who was sitting in the red car stopped immediately and I have to say that he seemed more shocked than I was - to be honest, I really had to hold back my giggles caused by the unexpected adrenalin-rush. He was also kind of cute, and seeing how worried he was about my well-being (he even parked his car to the side of the street and stayed for another 5 minutes to make sure I'm fine), although the whole little accident was my fault, later a whole series a funny scenarios came into my mind. For example a stupid accident like this could be also a scene from a romantic-comedy movie when the guy and the girl meets. And then the girl still has to go to a hospital, and guess what? The guy who lightly hit her with his car is the doctor who fixes up the girl's arm.

Anyway, I could still move my arm, hand and fingers, so it was clear that I didn't break any of them. Of course later, when the adrenalin-rush was already over, I felt that my right arm cannot be bent, but it was only because of a muscle injury. The adrenalin-rush was still flowing through my body and I couldn't stop giggling when I felt that my right shoulder feels a little bit different. Just to check I looked in the mirror and it was indeed lower than it used to be. Also before the accident I could bring my right arm without any problem far behind my back but after the accident it didn't go further than my left arm could go behind my back. My giggles turned into laughter as I realised what happened to me just seconds ago: my dislocated right shoulder got fixed in the accident.

Ladies and gentlemen, there you go: a true story about how you can come out better than before from a seemingly shocking and tragic accident or experience. Also I felt my life was saved again, and my words at the shop also got confirmed: "you live only once!" - and you better not forget about that. I shouldn't think that I am invincible; on the contrary: I am vulnerable, sensitive and (hell, yes, indeed) I live only once, so I better take care of myself.