In paradisum...

Today I sang at a funeral service. This was the first funeral I had to sing since the COVID-19 outbreak. As a singer this is what I can count on for a few months, I think: funerals, Requiem, In paradisum... Somehow I was hoping for studying Ave Maria by Franz Schubert for a weddig of a friend or something, but not for a funeral.

Now I am grateful for choosing for becoming a hybrid, so the virus-crisis didn't take away all my income. Becoming independent from the music industry proves itself (again and again) as the best decision I've ever made. Having a part-time flexible job in the healthcare sector is not only rewarding and giving financial certainity, but indirectly it is making me a better singer, a better performer. I feel I have better contact with my audience and more social sensitivity when it comes to compiling programmes.

While as a singer my routine has drastically changed, at the same time as a help at home for elderly and sick people in the healthcare sector my daily routine hasn't changed much, so my life is more or less the same as before the announced self-quarantine and "work from home" policies. I cannot work from home, sorry - and not sorry. I would like to help wherever I can as long as I am on my feet and breathing. The buses, public places are deserted, sometimes I have an entire bus for my own. I'm adjusting my tasks at my clients and I wash my hands as often as I can - I work with strict hygenic rules anyway and I am careful, but now I'm taking this to another level, so I can keep on helping as long as I can.

And I sing for them. You heard me right, I sing for them - with vacuum-cleaner accompaniment. I do this all the time, but now I try to sing the songs that make me happy and calm, but also my clients - some Purcell here, some Monteverdi there... Or just try to find more and more ways to ornament the melody of Amazing grace. 
Above all I do my best to keep my calm, to remain strong and solid like a rock. That's what govenrments and the media and so many people do wrong nowadays: instead of raising awareness they are generating panic and talking about an invisible enemy. There's no enemy here, nor it is invisible. Your invisible enemy is you in your own head, your fears and demons. It is impossible to do groceries these days and follow the guidelines at the same time. Everybody is buying toilet paper, flour, hand soap, etc., but they don't buy probiotics, immune-boosters, veggies, etc.

Weird times, very weird times...

Stay at home! - they say. And you know what? It's not a bad thing to stay at home for a change. Pandemic or not, staying at home is a great thing! You can get around to read the books you always wanted to read, be productive in your own time, do stuff around the house that always should have been done. Worried about not being able to socialize? We're living in the digital era, almost everyone has a tablet or a smartphone with cameras, and an internet connection - make appointments with eachother for video calls! I know, it's not the same as getting together in the same room, but you know what? This weekend I'm going to teach a friend to cook real Hungarian "gulyás soup", and we'll cook together! Yesterday I gave a really nice singing lesson to one of my pupils, and today (after the funeral and after eating lunch) I was working on Hungarian pronounciation with my Estonian friend, Liis, who sings in Bartók Rózsái Énekegyüttes - and all these online! You can get a lot done! The world slowed down, you just have to enjoy that you can finally comprehend life as it is in real time. As for me, I experience this slow pace daily life as a blessing.
Imagine, you have an old unsolved argument with someone: now is the time to contact them and begin to figure things out, how you two could forgive eachother for good this time. Now you have the distance, you have the time to have a decent and adult conversation with eachother
It can be hellish, but you can create your paradise too, so why would you make yourself miserable and complain about not being able to go out(side)? By the way, you can still take a walk in the nature and if you have a balcony you can still sit there - that's still allowed. You can also choose to make life a living hell for the endangered group of people, by not following the guidelines, or you can plant the seed of paradise for others by following them.

And then my thoughts go back to the Requiem mass I was singing today at the funeral, and that last antiphone seems suddenly hopeful and promising a brighter future. I really do hope that withdrawing ourselves from social gatherings and being pushed to spend some time alone will teach us to appreciate and respect eachother more. That's the kind of future I imagined for myself on this Saturday afternoon, and that's the paradise I'm longing for, but until then...

In paradisum...

#IndependentWoman

Recently I was facing certain questions about myself and you know, you'd think that by the time you turn 33 years-old you already have your personality completely figured out. And I think I know pretty much who I am and I am proud of the woman I've become. I am grateful for everything I had in my life, and I am satisfied with my career as it is.

I get asked many times if I wouldn't want to have more work in the music and then I think about the 3 ensembles I manage, the 2 choirs I am conducting and another ensemble I am coaching, the churches I am doing musical duties at, and there's this foundation (Stichting Zin in Zingen) I am working with, and the projects I am doing as a guest singer occasionally and so on, and there's teaching and then I am like: Work even more? Isn't this just enough? Yeah, of course, it would be great to become rich and doing that CD recording I've been being asked in the summer whether I have one or not, but next to a part-time job and the diverse musical activities I have and my own vocal- and personal development I have hardly time for posting new entries on this blog, not to mention the fact that when I mention to my Friday date all the things I listed above just now, I get two different reactions. The first reaction is that they ask me if I'd have any room at all for a relationship being so busy, and they already assuming I don't, without me actually giving an answer to this question. The second reaction is that they don't ask this question, just assume that I'd probably don't have time for a relationship so I'd obviously wouldn't mind being treated as a hook-up material or just simply back off - what flattering options to have, isn't it? Anyway, I get assumptions and they make decisions for me without even being asked whether I'm fine with their conclusion or not (let me tell you, no woman would be satisfied or happy with a man making decisions for them - I know, this might be shocking for many! - insert sarcastic joke here). Well, for these gentlemen, whose head are full of their assumptions about me and my intentions, I have no room, no emotional energy and definately no time at all (unless they come out of their head and stop reading between my lines 😉)
So work more? I don't know, maybe. But surely not wasting time for delusional men.

The best was when I was accused of not being a feminist. Well, this made me think a little. I have always considered myself as an "equalist" when it comes to gender rights and gender gap. When I say "equalist", I mean I believe that men and women deserve to be treated as equal, since both of them belong to the human race. There shouldn't be any discrimination based on biological differences. I don't like to call myself a feminist, because then I would be considered as a feminazi as well, who hate men, and as a matter of fact I don't hate men. I love them! I love everything about them! They make great friends and some of them can be excellent lovers (I guess) and very few of them could make exceptionally good partners (the kind I am looking for, actually). In the old fashioned way, I am a true feminist, I act like one. I take pride in the fact that I pay for my monthly expenses, my rent, food on my own, and really I am the Independent Woman from the Destiny's Child song. I am super excited about the 8-week long boxing training I'm about to begin in the end of this month. I am proud of the fact that I can make it on my own without the financial support of some boyfriend or husband or anyone, actually. It's not that I wouldn't need or wouldn't want to have a relationship...

Or well, you know what?

I don't want a relationship. I want partnership. I am an equalist. I want someone with whom we treat eachother like equals. If I don't have that, I prefer to be single, because I am happy the way I am and I don't need a relationship to justify my existence or to give me the flattering status of someone's girlfriend or wife. Again, I'm not against of becoming someone's girlfriend or wife, but not in a relationship that's only relative, I want to be equal with my man. I want to build a castle with him - figuratively. Accepting eachother as we are with all our scars and flaws, laugh together, inspire, forgive and understand eachother. That's what I want...


But well, back to the singing part and music and work and such.
People usually ask me if I've ever thought about singing in a professional choir. And really, I did. I gave it a thought and decided not to do it, not only because I am terrible with auditions. I don't even hold auditions with Bartók Rózsái Együttes for the vacant places, because I don't believe in the efficiency of an audition to filter out candidates for a possible long-term cooperation.
I knew it quite soon back at the Conservatory that I don't want to do the same things fellow-singers did: going to auditions, sometimes just for the sake of doing it and not particularly to get the gig - seriously, I will never understand this madness. Once I asked a friend what is it like to go to these auditions and she told me it's like doing a singing exam at school. I was like: Eh? What's the point of that?? I think it's really rude from the professional world to keep freshly graduated singers in the student state this way. I hated singing exams! There's no way in hell I'd want to go back there! No wonder I've always been bad at auditions...
Don't get me wrong, if you like them, knock yourself out, but I'm not joining this vicious circle of sending me back to exam situations. By the way, this might be also the infected wound which the classical music world actually suffers from - but it's really just a thought.

I will never settle for something less than my goal. Not in my professional life and surely not in my private life.

So here you go:

• I am a feminist, but not a feminazi.
• I am traditional in some cases, but very radical when it comes to (social) causes I am passionate about.
• I am old fashioned, but I don't mind taking the first step.
• I love to experiment with literally anything with the right people in the right circumstances - and not only because my whole self as an early musician and performing artist revolves around experiment and new sensations all the freakin' time
• I believe and trust in God, but I'm not a religious fanatic (like those crazy people from Margaret Atwood's Gilead - a huge shout out to The Handmaid's Tale and The Testaments which is an astonishing deduction to what would happen if religious fanatics would take over in the politics)

I could go on with this list forever. Nothing in life is ever black and white.

Blessed are the no'-s and rejections

You are reading the blog of someone who got rejected many times. Before I got in the Early Music department of the conservatory in Tilburg, I had got rejected from two other Hungarian Conservatories, and got accepted to one but for financial reasons, the class didn't start (yes, it's a thing in Hungary). Regardless the fact that I'm not an ugly or mean person I have been rejected as woman by men as well, believe it or not. 

Yet, I rejoice and I say: God bless those no's and rejections!

For some reason we consider hearing "no" or rejection as a negative, and it is completely fine to feel that way when we come across them. It is important though that we don't stay in this negative mindset, because it can be more damaging than anyone woul ever think. It's OK to lick your wounds, you need it to recover properly from a bad experience. 

I don't know why, but rejection and being told "no" has always been a motivation for me to work harder to want even more than I initially wanted. If I think about it now, my life is filled with rejection and "no", yet I see them as signs pointing in a different direction or even pointing out what I need to work on more. Sometimes encountering rejection is just indicating that you need to change the method and not the direction. Also people tend to say rather "no" than giving a detailed feedback on what they actually not confortable with - I know, because I'm doing this exact same thing (I know, not really smart of me, but I'm just as much human as anyone else). 

Of course I don't see rejection as a feedback on my deeds at first, I even flip out maybe, but after I get my act together, I reflect on it, take a good look at it, sort out what I did out of miscalculations, or which elements were based on my fears and number of other factors, and then I change my method. The goal is the same.

Singing and music has always been present in my life ever since I was born (even before, I think, for I listened to music and the baptist church's repertory in my mother's womb). I decided quite late to become a singer and before I'd have become an early musician I wanted to be an opera singer - I think, I mentioned this before. In reality, I didn't want anything else, and I don't want anything else even today than sing as much as possible and back then opera seemed the most logical choice, and I was also fond of the genre.

Who knows? If I'd have never got accepted to Tilburg to study early music, I would have become an opera singer and who knows, I could have been able to make it first into smaller and later some bigger roles. However, the stuff that I am doing now is very much different from what I had initially imagined back then when I was 17 years-old. As an opera singer I would depend on an opera company, my agent, my pupils and Lord knows what else. I would be bound to all these and I would probably feel miserable as I have always longed for independence and freedom, to be able to fly freely without wings even. 

What do I have now?

I'm a singer specialized in early repertories (medieval, Renaissance and Baroque), I have different ensembles, and I am coordinating our projects together with my colleagues whom I can also call my friends - true friends who would never let me down (in the opera world your relationship is less likely like that with your colleagues - although there are exceptions, of course). If I don't become a singer the way I did I would be a different person for sure. I am free and independent. I have found balance and I have found my own way, and all that thanks to all the rejections I had to meet and all the "no" I had to hear. 

Sometimes we have an idea about what would be the best for us, but my experience is that things have never turned out the way I expected them to, instead they turned out much better. I even had the chance to experiment with improvising operas in two different ways! How cool is that?

Old habits and traditions

Today we're contemplating on old habits and traditions...

As some of you might know, next to being a singer specialized in early music I am also a choir conductor. Rather a semi-professional conductor, because I only have done a side study next to singing at the conservatory. Before I came to the Netherlands to study singing I was enrolled at the Baptista Teológiai Akadémia in Budapest (Academy of Baptist Theology) and I was a student at the church music department with the main subject choir conducting (my teacher was Gábor Oláh at that time). Before that I studied choir conducting at the Baptist Summer Course (Baptista Egyházzenei Tanfolyam) in Újpest for six or seven years, so from the age of 16 or 17 years-old I am standing in front of choirs - mostly church choirs. Also church music is the genre I feel myself at home the most. I grew up in church environments, religion and church was a part of my weekly routine (and lo! And behold! I still turned out pretty normal).

Ever since I am working with choirs and especially church choirs I come across the following sentence more and more often: "But we have always sung it this way". Whenever I hear this sentence I get a weird itch in my palms and only my respect for others stops me from bitch slapping the person who dared to state such nonsense.
First of all, as a conductor in charge I don't give a damn about previous conductors' musical interpretation and anyone expecting me to be that previous conductor is actually an expectation I will never ever fulfill. It's not that i don't care about their work, I do care and cherish their work! But they are not me and I am not them. The artistic tools, musicality and personality is not the same, so why would you stay in the past with someone who has already left for another opportunity?

Now, it's of course never about any of this expectation, but it's being used to camouflage the laziness and the fear of change.

The moment a sentence like this leaves your lips beware of the fact that your development has stopped a long ago and you don't want to grow further. In case of (church) choirs it's a sign of becoming old and an early sign of the death of the choir. Thoughts that refer to old ways and habits (whether it's a choir's or of an individual) and being comfortable with them is very dangerous.

Now, tradition might sound like a pile of old habits connected to eachother, but it's not. Tradition is a repeated activity or event that has a purpose. A purpose that's more than serving people's comfort. It makes you remember who you are, what your community has gone through, a heroic deed in respect of the hero or heroes. Or anything like this. Not all commemorations make you feel comfortable, not all of them are nice, but it's a beautiful thing to have - traditions remind you to your roots and makes you look back the road you have behind your back.
From the moment a tradition's purpose is lost or gets forgotten it becomes a habit, an empty shell, an abomination.

Old habits on the contrary have no higher purpose. If you refuse change for the fake safety old habits can offer you, at a certain point you'll loose the joy you used to feel. Kodak refused to go digital, now they are almost nowhere to be found. Blockbuster didn't take seriously the importance of online streaming and now they are gone and Netflix took over. What's the same in Kodak and Blockbuster? They refused change. They ignored the change of circumstances. They got stuck in the "We've always done it this way" and that was their doom.

Notice an old habit that has no purpose anymore? Change! Have you heard yourself recently saying that dreadful sentence "I always do it this way"? Change it! Could you take another route to your work? Take another one every once in a while on the way back home. Have you caught yourself playing or singing the same piece the same way all over again? Change the phrasing, the tempo the dynamics, anything.

Look at life and things around you like you have never seen them before! Your own experience is the greatest obstacle in your professional and personal development. Remember, it's never late to change your old habits.

I know, I quoted him many times (especially this one), but remember what Mark Twain said:
"Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover. ”

Sail away from the safe harbour of your habits, even if they give you comfort and safety. Leave the conform-zone every once in a while. Challange yourself with new ways of doing your daily activities. The change doesn't have to be grand, do it little by little, step by step. Surprise yourself with spontaneous turns and moves, try out new things.

I would like to close today's thoughts with a Russian proverb: "The shark that doesn't swim drowns."

Priorities

There's something I learned a few years ago, like five or six years ago: set your priorities.

But what are these priorites? How can you decide what's the most important for you at the moment you set them? This morning I've found the ever first interview I gave in my life from 2014, the year when I graduated from my MA studies. At that time artistic development was all I cared for and I was sure that the rest will come by itself. I wanted to develop artistically by growing as a person, figuring out who I really am - just like every young adult does in their 20s.

I remember back then I wanted to make it as a performing artist, a singer, I wanted to be a bright hot star, but not for myself but for others to recongnize my talent, and maybe I wanted badly to grab someone's attention - like it would mattered if that person recognizes my talent. Today I know that my talent is just one little detail of the person who I am. I don't need anyone's recognition anymore. I am fully capable woman, standing on my own, just like I've always been. Ever since I don't care about success, fame, wealth or being able to make a living out of singing and music, I am free. Not caring about these earthly treasures liberated me completely, and now I have time for more valuable priorities, such as family, friends, my garden and above all these: myself.

I look back of my reckless 20s with nostalgy and with a little laughter. It's not that I don't want to face beautiful musical challanges anymore, but I changed my mentality about it. I try to choose my battles and challanges carefully in such way that I am aware that I am the one who takes care of the firm emotional background, I am the one who takes care of Johanna Földesi, and not someone else. I'm almost sure that even if I would be in a relationship, I would still be the only one who would be responsible for this task and I would only have a tiny support and space given to be able to do so. Actually I was a little kid when I had the very strong feeling that I would have to learn to be able to be alone and to be a good companion for my very self. This childhood memories follows me on my path every day, and sometimes life just gets overwhelming and too much - at times like this I just stop, take a good look at myself and I decide whether I could use some help or not.
It doesn't sound too flattering, right? Don't worry, it's not as bad as it might sound like.

But back to priorities! Here are some top priorities of the 33 years old Johanna Földesi.

Quality above quantitiy
I remember when I was in my 20s I could do a thousand stuff in a day and now I am happy if from the 6 tasks I planned for a day I can do the half of it, but then I do them right. It gives me now more satisfaction than the amount of tasks I complete per day.

Reputation
You know, as you age, it's all about dignity. There are certain things I would do at the age of 33 years, what I would have definitly had done when I was 23. Fame and wealth can shine so bright that you don't see the dirt and the wrong under it. You're blinded by their illusion.
Once you get to a certain age, and you don't have to be 50+ to be an example for the younger generation, to become an influence for a youngster. I believe that as an artist you're responsible for those who look up to you and your work and your morals should show that. So stop messing around and grow up! Act like an adult person, even if it seems hard. You can be a kid again when you perform, but accepting adulthood will only help you to develop further as a human being.

Family and friends
Not blindfoldedly and not putting them before yourself, but they are top priority. And sometimes you have friends who make up for some family members - no offense, really. Of course, in the end you're the one that's responsible for yourself, but you also need some support from your family and friends, and sometimes you have to be their support. Whatever happens, just do your best to be there for them: check on them, ask them how they are doing and ask it in such way that you're truly interested in their answer - you know what I'm talking about!

Be lazy sometimes
I have a very dear old friend in Vienna. This friend of mine a bit older than 80, but just as fresh as any young adult. Every once in a while I go and visit her in Vienna and then we talk about what has happened to us since we saw each other for the last time. Even though I spin around much less than I used to, I still do a lot of things and most of the times these "lot of things" happen in paralel with eachother. So there was me telling my friend how many things I am involved with, what amazing projects, and my job, and so on, to which she just told me: but are you also lazy sometimes? I just laughed and said that yes, every once in a while I just do nothing - although at that time I wasn't living up to it that much as I do now.
What I want to say is that you should be lazy sometimes. Just do nothing and enjoy it. And when I say "nothing" I mean literally nothing. Before I fully embraced the dolce far niente (= pleasant idleness) I seriously started to wonder about why am I so busy all the time? Am I busy because I'm really busy and things must get done, or because I think they must get done. Huge difference. Also, are these things coming from my side or is it something that necessary for the everyday life? I came to the conclusion that there are very few obligations in our lives that really are obligations, therefore I decided to be more relaxed about it, and one of the consequences of this decision was that my body let go of a lot of tension and I changed as a singer.
My way of thinking also have changed. For example if someone tells me that I should go to an audition of a talent show, because I'm told that I'm talented and it looks good on my CV and it would get me good connections, doesn't mean that I really should do that. It's rather that I have the freedom to choose to do the audition and even if I choose not to do it, I'm still the same talented singer I've always been.

Settle down
There comes a moment in life when you get more mature and you are not as bouncy-bouncy as you were when you were much younger. There comes a time in your life when you just want to have something to rely on and you just want to have a quite life with working in your garden, taking long walks in a forest and enjoying a glass of wine and cooking together with a good friend on a Friday evening. You start to feel that you need a safe harbour where you can return to for recovery and rejuvination.


It's funny how priorities change in just 5-6 years time. Of course, not everyone's priorities change this early as mine did, and that's also perfectly fine. I think, standing alone throughout my entire life anticipated this change. I had more time to figure things out for myself. I wouldn't call myself wise, I'm improvising through my entire life and there are just a few things I'm sure about, and those are my priorities. And the best thing about it, that your priorities will change as your life changes. Or at least that's how I survive, I believe...

Read, research, discover!

I'm a singer specialized in early music and as being one during my preparation for a concert  (regardless it's a programme that I put together or someone else) I'd do my research on the pieces I am supposed to sing. Looking up the origin of every single thing I have ever been busy with is probably a result of my insatiable curiousity, and it just got "worse" as I've got more and more involved with medieval and renaissance repertories.

Doing research became also a necessity, but also something I've always enjoyed to do. I think I've mentioned this before, but I decided to become a singer in the last year of grammar school (it is quite late to make such a decision, according to current standards - NB: it's a stupid standard), because I was tired of library hours and I needed challange. I didn't want to spend my entire adult life in a library. Little I had known back then that I'd be involved with early repertories which will demand a certain amount of library hours. I wasn't planning to become an early music singer I've just gradually become one. I still remember how I hated and cursed square notation and Gregorian chant at my first encounter with them during my studies and now I wouldn't be able to imagine my life without Gregorian chant, square notation and neumes! It was a true metamorphosis from being an old school Classical Musician-Singer into a brand new Early Musician-Singer. I had finally the tools to search back the origin of all those Renaissance motets I had ever sung with chamber and church choirs. I finally understood that Ave vera virginitas is just a little part of Josquin's Ave Maria motet. And I understood at last, why would historians would state that Johann Sebastian Bach was a revolutionaire composer for applying the old techniques with his newly developed ones. My growing knowledge on early repertories helped me to become a better and updated Classical Musician. The more I had to perform from early notation the better my sight-reading skills become.

I've seen classmates at conservatory who were completely clueless when they were pushed into doing research. They found it somehow a waste of time, and not as an opportunity to become better performers. The thing is that research will help you understand the pieces you're performing. Either you acknowledge this or not, sitting in your practice room won't ever make you a better performer, it will just make your technique better and not your performing skills. Imagine you have a really abstract piece on your programme: if you just playing the notes without understanding the piece itself, it doesn't matter how flawless your performance is, your audience will be bored and they won't understand the piece. Easy or abstract, any piece needs to be understood and only becoming as good as anyone else won't make you a better performer. Communicating the message behind - a message you decoded from the piece - will excite your audience. Technique will never excite or elevate them on the long term.

Therefore: read, research and discover! You think you've seen it all? Do you think you know everything? You couldn't be more wrong...

Listen! (Part 2)

It was quite a long time ago since I've posted an update to my blog, but since I've finally had time to give a new look to my website, I thought it is about time to share some thoughts on my blog as well.

As I have already mentioned in my previous post I would like to drive your attention to the ears and on the fact how important it is to listen, especially when you are a singer. If you need a quick recap, you can find the previous entry here.

It is almost obvious that in order to have decent communication with eachother in any circumstances, we need to listen to eachother very carefully. Listening with care requires more concentration in the beginning, but you can train yourself to be more precise when it comes to listen to someone else. When it comes to music and especially intonation problems, you can easily solve your intonation problems by giving more attention to the note that you're singing and listening. At conservatories and music schools, students (mostly singers) get the critique that their intonation may not be perfect. Now, it is important to know that as a singer you have mainly three possible reasons to get this comment:

1. You push instead of using the natural support
2. You don't listen carefully enough
3. Both of them from above at the same time

One would think that a musician or a singer has perfect ears (not perfect pitch!) and we don't have any problems with listening. Actually, in most cases it's not true. Many of taking listening for granted and we don't train our ears and the brain funtion, called "listening" carefully enough, that's why careless listening results slight or big intonation problems. Here I wouldn't mention different tunings since it's not relevant yet.

Those who don't have natural affinity towards music and considered not having musical ears, are actually people who don't use their relevant brain function to listening. They listen in a superficial way. I have had singing pupils who had difficulties to sing back a note played on the piano, but could perfectly sing back the same note when I was singing it for them. It is not only the fact that it is easier to resonate together with another human being, than with a musical instrument, but it is also a proof that people not having musical ears can train themselves to a certain level to be able to do so. They probably won't reach the quality of a professional solo instrumentalist or singer, but they can become pretty good ensemble players. 

Listening is also a question of sensitivity. Artists in general are different from people whom are not involved in the arts, because they sense and experience the world around them in a different way. When musicians and singers hear a note, their brain literally translates it to a musical note and they are able to sing or hum it back, but when a non-musician hears a note, it is just a note, so he/she will hum back some note and not exactly the same. Why? For their senses it doesn't really matter what note it is, for us, musicians it does, especially when we make music together or improvise.

Unfortunately, improvisation went out of fashion in the 20th-century among classical musicians and singers (fortunately, improvistation is an essential element of jazz), but it is slowly coming back to practice. In the 19th-century it was a common thing to improvise on concerts and it belonged to any musical training. I wish someday a classical music education model would rise and spread all over the world, that includes lots of improvisation and ear-training...

Listen! (Part 1)

I would like to dedicate a few entries to the ears. Ever since I've been busy with digging myself into Lajos Szamosi's Path to Free Singing, I am more and more interested in this curious body part, the ears and especially the process of listening. As a musician and as a singer of course you listen differently and you listen more carefully than anyone else. Before I've got to know the Szamosi Approach I was convinced that there are people who have ears for music and there are those who just simply don't have any musical hearing. There is a difference, of course, but there is nothing to do with the body part itself, it has rather a lot to do with how we use our ears, and what we are used to. Moreover, the ability of listening and our ears can be trained, although you have to be aware that the thin line that seperates professionals from amateurs, in the aspect of listening(!!), is actually very much based on your sensbility, if you dare to feel. We are not the same, not in body and certainly not in personality, and each of us have our own farthest limitations, but whether someone becomes a professional musician and/or singer or not, in the end the success will always depend on one's sensibility, sensitivity and body awareness (this last one can be learned and/or natural).

There are different perspectives of listening, and I would never confuse listening with hearing. Hearing is a passive, while listening is active and supposes that the one who listens also pays attention - hearing not necessarily comes with attention paid. 

I think almost all of us know this quote from The Little Prince by Antoine de Saint-Exupery (see above), but I'm pretty sure there are just the few among us who actually able to see with their hearts. Actually most of us doesn't even know or can tell how you can see with your heart. Of course, everyone has their interpretation on it, so let me give you mine.

In my opinion, listening is acceptance. It requires an open mind, an open attitude. If someone is truly listening to the other, their heart is open, just as their mind and accepting all the information (emotional, practical, theoretical, etc) that's been said. If listening is acceptance, than it also brings you to let go of the will to control the current situation, and that can be pretty scary. Most of the self-protecting stances begin with cutting the channels to truly listen and the flow of information coming to us. 

Listening is not only essential for musicians and singers, it is very important to every human being. Relationships (any kind of a relationships) are going wrong whenever people stop listening to eachother. You stop listening, because in the process somewhere you got hurt and in order to avoid more wounds and pain, you close yourself - for the sake of survival, purely by instict. And this is where your insticts can bring you to make a wrong decision and instead of releasing the tension, more tension is created. Such a pity. I'm not saying you have to accept everything you listen to. Eventually you'll make a selection (based on different factors) and you'll keep only the most useful information.

When you are seeing with your heart, you listen. You accept what you hear and you pay attention. Without listening, you can only see the surface and that surface is already within the reach of the Eyes. 

As for me, I'm not interested in the surface, I would like to see and feel the depths, the real beauty of existence. The surface will never satisfy me...

An update and random thoughts

Well, long time no see... I haven't been updating my blog for a while and after being asked recently if I'm planning to continue, here you go. Athough I cannot really promise one guiding thought in this entry.

I would like to begin this entry by giving you a little update about what I was doing in the past months. I think I published my last entry sometime around end of March, and ever since I have several things behind my back. Now, as I look back I have a kind of busy period behind me and now that I don't really have any concert booked to give until next year, I am kind of happy. I can use these months (practically from 2nd week of September until the end of the year) for prepare next year's activities with Scherzi Musici and Bartók Rózsái Énekegyüttes, and begin to prepare some more interesting and challenging stuff (don't worry, I'll keep you posted about these new stuff).

Scherzi Musici got the chance to give two fringe concerts at the Utrecht Early Music Festival and we could perform our ars nova programme, Petrarch, a Medieval Poet, and a week after also a long planned and preparred cooperation with Duo Suoni was presented at the season's opening concert of Lidwina in concert  in Best, which was an evening with Italian Early Baroque compositions. Before all these in August we had a fruitful rehearsal and preparation period with Bartók Rózsái Énekegyüttes in Hungary, and we managed to record all the material for a video trailer of our programme - the trailer still needs to be finished, but once it's ready I will post it anywhere I can. Earlier this year we also had a photo shoot, we have programme description ready, so you can say that the portfolio of Bartók Rózsái Énekegyüttes is almost ready.

And recently I've started taking an improv course in Amsterdam at easylaughs, which has seemingly nothing to do with singing, but it does with performing and letting go of control. I have met wonderful people in the past months and I don't think you'll see many similarly emotional posts, like last 4 or 5 entries of this blog, because aside from these music and performing based developments I also took the time to recover and take a closer look at my contant weight-loss. Now that my weight is stabilized along with my thoughts I feel myself strong enough to get on my two beautiful feet and legs and just walk towards my goals.

My goals to be able to let go as much as possible of the control of my intellect, to develop my voice, broaden my repertory, deepen my current knowledge in singing and in music. And just enjoy life while being morally absolutely correct and unquestionable. Because it doesn't matter what the media and everyone else telling you: morals do matter. I won't give any explanation on that, because it is not necessary. Did you do anything in the past that you still regret? Take care of it/them as soon as possible, so you can leave the weary feeling of regret. Take the responsibility for your deeds in the past and vow that you'd never act the same way as you used to if those deeds give you the feeling of regret. Apologize, if you need it and don't hold on to resentment - regardless a few things in life, the choice is always yours: remember, you have the possibility to choose for the good.

At the yoga studio where I go 2 or 3 times a week at least, there are few packs of inspirational and insight cards. Not like I would ever give credit to those, but I liked this one: "Old ways won't open new doors". If I think about it now, I think I've always known this, but reading it on a piece of paper of hearing it aloud reminds me to the truth behind this simple phrase.

And now I am just happy to be alive and  to have no regrets...

Lie, lies, lieses, lieseses...Misery

"Oh! how great a Master is the Heart! Confess it, my beloved Singers, and gratefully own, that you would not have arrived at the highest Rank of the Profession if you had not been it's Scholars; own, that in a few Lessons from it, you learned the most beautiful Expressions, the most refin'd Taste, the most noble Action, and the most exquisite Graces: Own (though it be hardly credible) that the Heart corrects the Defects of Nature, since it softens a Voice that's harsh, betters an indifferent one, and perfects a good one: Own, when the Heart sings, you cannot lie, nor has Truth a greater Power of persuading: And, lastly, do you convince the World... that from the Heart alone you have learned that Je ne sçai quoy, that pleasing Charm, that so subtily passes from Vein to Vein, and makes its way to the very Soul." (Pier. Francesco Tosi: Observations on the Florid Song, 1723)

I'm a terrible liar, and I cannot tolerate lies. I don't like when I have to keep my mouth shut when I am supposed to tell the truth, even if I know neither of us in the conversation would be able to face the truth. I hate it also when people lie for me in order to somehow protect me. But the worst of all is when someone refuses to tell the truth just to avoid conflict.

Conflict is considered a bad thing nowadays, and you can guess already that I consider this consideration a proof of how cowards took over in our society. An interpretation of being polite also includes avoiding conflicts, which drags a few lies along, and then those lies bring some other lies with them, and in the end the situation ends up being miserable for everyone - although the act of politeness was supposed to bring peace, it brings only misery and grief to everyone. And on the other hand: how can you consider yourself a nice person if you don't tell the truth? I know, truth can be painful, but not as painful as deceiving or betrayal. How can anyone consider himself a responsible and decent person if he doesn't have the nerve to tell what's going on?

You know, the problem with lies is that there's only a beginning of the rest that comes after that. One single lie fosters and nourish another and another, and there's no way to stop the chain reaction, unless you go back to the first one and you neutralise it with truth. It's like the pest.
Another problem with telling lies in order to avoid conflict (because that's why everyone lies) is that after a certain point, you have no record on what you've said to whom.

How do dishonesty effect singing? Any act of pretending something you're not equals a lie you tell to your audience, fellow musicians, commissioners, and most importantly and sadly: to yourself. You can try to lie to anyone, but if you're lying to yourself, you'll get into problems. And don't worry about the results and success you achieved based on lies, or about being mistreated by lies, "for there is nothing hidden which will not be revealed, nor has anything been kept secret but that it should come to light." (Mark 4, 22)
And after you were caught on lying, you'll have to solve the conflict anyway.

So in order to put yourself in trouble, and to save some time for yourself, be true to yourself as a singer and as a human being. For if you cannot be true to yourself, how could you expect yourself to be true to others and others to be true to you? Sing, act and live from your Heart, the Heart that can correct the Defects of Nature. Be brave, you'll be fine.

Wishful singing - a confession

Hi! I'm Johanna, and I used to be addicted to painkillers.

Yes, you've heard me right. OK, not in extremes, but I was. Although, I cannot really decide if I took painkillers for their effect only, or because of willing to be able to rehearse through 4-6 hours with a sore throat. Or was it because of me willing to get rid of the pain of solitude, the bad feeling about listening to being constantly told I'm not good enough, and the pulsing pain of earlier wounds on my heart and soul? I wouldn't be able to tell anymore. Maybe all of them at the same time. Let's say, my desperation to fulfil all expectations and criteria made me choose for painkillers, but it doesn't make it look better...

Even funnier that regardless the fact that I was a youth-helper in a drug prevention programme back in grammar school, later taking occasionally painkillers developed into a tool for being able to rehearse.

Fortunately, I realised it right on time, and that time was when about 3 or 4 years ago I bought a package of paracetamol (20 pills) on a Tuesday and by Friday the package was empty. I was shocked. I knew myself as someone who's hardly get addicted to anyone and to anything. I knew it's not OK, so instead of taking pills, I switched to natural painkillers (thinking, natural stuff wouldn't do much damage... oh, the irony...) and propolis tincture worked out the best. The only problem with both that they are not advised to use them on long term. So later I had to get rid of using propolis too, which was even worse than paracetamol, because it's not only an antiseptic, but also a natural antibiotics. Now, you have to know that if you take any kind of antibiotics, you also have to do a probiotics cure, because antibiotics doesn't really care what kind of bacteria they kill. Just so you know: you have good bacteria in your digestive system. I think you can puzzle the rest together yourself...
Since the presence of these good bacteria in your digestive system is also responsible for a good immune system and prevents allergic reactions, as a result of my too-long propolis cure, my old egg and milk intolerance came back, and I cannot keep my weight. Sounds splendid, right?

Another thing that made me seriously wonder about this happened to me last week when in the middle of our rehearsal with Scherzi Musici I felt I am getting a sore throat (and my immediate reaction was to look for painkiller - what a bad old habit). After the rehearsal I had headache and felt exhausted. I knew these are the signs of getting sick, so I excused myself from the rehearsal in the evening with my church choir, got some stuff against flu (paracetamol, Vitamine C) from the drugstore and went to bed early, and stayed there for 3 days.  Until last week I only took paracetamol or any kind of painkiller if my period got really bad (I have a special pill for that prescribed by my gynaecologist) , but for other kind of pain I decided to rather deal with it somehow without any medicine, so let's say I was clean. As I was using these medicines I felt that my senses are numb and I cannot concentrate (it was also probably because of the light flu or cold).
I couldn't help but wonder: did paracetamol had this exact same effect back then? I mean, it would make sense, because during the 6 years of conservatory, as I look back now, certain periods are rather blurred together. OK, it was also a very intense period of my life, but still.

How did I quit my (light) addiction? The slight presence of a certain person helped me realise and quit. This certain person didn't know about my addiction, neither did anything directly to help, but that slight presence was a great help to overcome, and for that I will be grateful forever. I just realized much later that this person was also just a substitute for a painkiller, so I had to recover from that addiction as well. I feel myself lucky and I am grateful for being able to do so.

The letting go (Part 2)

I've just read again an earlier entry of mine from this blog, and I've realised that the weather is just the same as about a year ago. It rains a lot and a few weeks ago I could finally let go of something really painful. It was a fear of getting back into a certain situation I had accepted to take for the 'greater good', but it turned out it was only me who hoped for that 'greater good' to come. I could finally make peace with myself, for I have done my best and everything to make that visible and noticed. I'm not saying that I am not hoping still for that 'greater good' to come, but initiating it is not my task anymore. To be honest, I was far from being happy with the situation I was pushed into, and I am glad I don't have to go back in the exact same situation ever again. Well, for the 'greater good' you mustn't be afraid of making certain sacrifices. These sacrifices should always mean giving up yourself a little without hurting or blaming others around you for doing so. 

But back to that earlier entry I've mentioned above. It is funny, how you can learn from your past-self over and over again. It just proves that whenever you get lost and the waves are above your head, remember that the solution always lies within you and only you. Nobody is ever at fault for your problems (in your life, relationships, career, etc.), but you and only you, and for that you'll need to forgive yourself and others for certain things. The origin of true Forgiveness is Love (and this is also the origin of Trust). Love, Trust and Forgiveness are walking hand in hand all the time, and neither of them can exist without the rest. If there's no Love, there's no Forgiveness neither Trust. If there's no Trust, there's no Love neither Forgiveness. And obviously if there's no Forgiveness, there's no Love neither Trust. Holding a grudge against someone will only make your emotional package heavier.

Blaming others (I think I've said this already) for anything that doesn't work in your life is only a projection of your own problems on someone you came across. Blaming others is easy - facing that fact that you were wrong or you've made a bad decision or that you are not perfect is the most confronting thing ever. The solution is of course NOT that you clear out the people you blame from your life, because you cannot do this - accept it. The funny thing is: the more you try to remove them, the more they will remain in your life and thoughts, because a removal like this is always painful for both. The solution (in most cases) is that you have to start cleaning up the mess you've been making so far on your own. Of course you can ask help (a professional's or friends' help) and you should do so, but in the end noone else will clean up your mess for you, and if you keep on running away from cleaning up the mess, you will loose everything that has ever been dear to you one by one. You'll only realize this happening to you when the last one is about to leave your side. The same problems will find you over and over again, unless you finally get your sh*t together.

The grace in all this is that even if that last one left your side, even if you seemingly lost everything that has ever been dear to you, you can still clean everything up and build up everything again - again: you can also ask for and get some help (most probably from those whom you pushed away just earlier or from a professional - I do believe in therapy). There's always hope, remember that.

"This is goodbye." - I am really grateful for these three words you said to me, because they set me free for forever from taking that situation again. It also means that I've topped the bill (paraphrasing from the Queen  lyrics of the song The Show Must Go On - "I'll top the bill, I'll overkill..."), there's a new start, what happened before doesn't have an effect on what's happening next. There were mistakes I've made on the way, I'll atone for them, but whatever happens to you from now on that is really not my fault. Just let it rain, let the rain wash away everything that should be washed away.
Yes, I am still hoping for the 'greater good' to come, and I am looking forward to the initiative - every effort will be rewarded and appreciated.

Wings of an angel

Do you believe in the Angel of Music? Call me sentimental, but there was a time when I believed in it. Or at least I liked the idea, and the image of this angel launched me towards becoming a singer.

I was still attending grammar school and took music lessons at the music school in Békescsaba (piano, choir rehearsals and singing) when I read the The Phantom of the Opera by Gaston Leroux (and became a dedicated fan of the musical with the original cast later on as well), and I've got so fascinated by the image of the Angel of Music, and that the Phantom, Erik became this angel for Christine Daaé, that I wanted to meet him as well. My ever first goal that I wanted to achieve was to meet this magic entity somehow. I was amazed of the beautiful lovestory between Erik and Christine (I hated Raoul with a passion for stepping in their way), and I understood Christine's feelings to the utmost. Regardless her fear of Erik's looks, she respected him and loved him in her own gentle way, but she wasn't brave enough to stay by Erik's side - and I didn't like that.

I thought I will be able to find this angel, but instead as soon as I began to be involved with ensemble singing I started to grow my own wings as I was singing with others. Especially when I am singing in a choir and I know I have to pull the people on my part, I imagine that I spread my invisible wings above them and I take them from each phrase to another. I wanted to be able to lead and pull people with my voice and I grew wings to do that, but these wings are not good for flying (unfortunately... I've always wanted to be able to fly - either by having real wings, or without them), but they are good for singing, and that's good enough for me - at least for now...

Am I an angel? I don't think so. Do I behave sometimes as an angel? Maybe. Do I like my wings? If I'm singing or if I would like to protect someone dear to me, I love it. I just have to figure out what to do with those feathers all over around me...

All you need is Love - the tale of Max and the Nematanthus

About 2 years ago a friend of mine gave me a new potted plant, a nematanthus (they also call it "goldfish" flowers). I've already had an African violet since 2011, so I thought another potted plant couldn't be a problem.

You have to know, that before I had the African violet (which I will call Max, from now on, because that's his name, actually), plants just didn't want to survive around me. I've bought Max the day after I broke up with my boyfriend in 2011, and back then I was thinking that if this plant is going to survive, and it even going to bloom, I'm not that hopeless as a human being after all. My mother taught me that if you would like to buy a potted flower, you should buy the one that haven't yet open its flowerbuds, so I followed the instruction. I had done some research on how to take care of an African violet, also asked my mother (she's an expert in my eyes, when it comes to potted plants) and my grandmother (she has a lots of them at home) as well, gave him the name Max, and I was waiting what will happen after the flowerbuds open, and the flowers wither. I was expecting Max to die and was hoping for his survival at the same time, but he surpassed my expectations: instead of dying, not only he survived, he blooms like crazy whenever the time comes for blooming (mostly in spring, or whenever he's in the mood). Max brought me many nice memories with his flowers and made me proud (because of his flowers and my success, and it made me think "finally! I can keep at least a potted plant alive!"). He's still standing on my table enjoying scattered light, and next to Max there is the nematanthus.

In a way, it was completely different with the nematanthus. This little one almost prove my success with Max wrong, because in the first few days she spent in my room right next to Max, she dropped her buds. I did my research, like I had done when I bought Max (though neither my mother or my grandmother could help me, because they have never had a nematanthus before). I was looking at her dark green leafes and I didn't know what to do. It was clear she wasn't feeling comfortable in my room, though she didn't die right away, she just refused to bloom.
I had to realize that the nematanthus is more sensitive and more demanding than Max is. It was easy with Max: I just smiled at him proudly and he was happy, he felt at ease, and both of us were satisfied. So at a certain point, I literally told the nematanthus: I don't let you die. Made another vow as well, which brought a tiny vision along, but that's not something to share with the public (I have my secrets as well). The nematanthus arrived in November 2013, and around the first weeks of February 2014 a discovered she's growing a new sprout. Before that I was sure she would stay the way she were after dropping her flowerbuds (still hoping for some progress and growth, though I couldn't be 100% sure about the success), but more and more new sprouts appeared, and grew into new branches, aiming towards the window. I didn't do more than this during the whole time (ever since I made that vow): I was speaking to her, I was encouraging her and asked her not to give up, and I made her sure that I love her. She got the same treatment as Max always had, and kept talking to both of them. And then, in the end of August, last year, a flowerbud appeared on her, and though after blooming she didn't bring more flowers for a while, when I got back from Hungary in January two new flowerbuds apperared... and then again two more... and by now I discover every week a few new buds on the nematanthus.
The potted plant I was sure (regardless my bold vow, I don't let you die) I will only be able to keep in a vegetative state (without flowers) for a while, is now blooming, and I am grateful for every single little bud. This plant-experience reminds me to my grandfather (from my mother's side): the real plant and tree expert is him. He just smiles at his plants, flowers (especially his roses) and fruit trees in his garden and they are blooming, and the fruit trees are bringing delicious fruits, though the soil conditions in my hometown, Dévaványa is not a kind that a plant or a tree would wish for. And my grandfather also speaks to them, sometimes without speaking.

OK, why am I telling you about this gardening success of mine? In my opinion working together in an ensemble, working on your own development or your singing pupil's development is very much like gardening. And I am not talking about the botanical side of gardening, but taking care of a garden. I have never seen a good gardener whose garden would have been messy or filled with sick and dying plants, while taking care of others' gardens perfectly fine.
I obviously wanted to get better when I bought Max, and I wished for recovering when I saw the nematanthus dropping her flowers. I had to realize that not every potted plant needs the same treatment, just like not every individual is able to handle the same treatment when you teach them or work with them. It is essential that you stay calm and flexible at handling their problems, but above these you have to love them. Talent - doesn't matter if we are talking about a colleague's, a pupil's or your own - should be treated with love, and nothing more can inspire someone than knowing that he/she is being loved. Listen to them, look at them, pay attention to them, but never ever try to change them to be in a certain way on purpose, or force your way to the bottom of their heart. Be gentle, remain open and curious about the results they come up with: you never know what kind of and how many flowerbuds they'll show you. Just let them sing, guide them (based on what they need as an individual), comfort them when they are down, and never leave their side in crucial moments, just be their safety net. That's all they need.

Everything is possible (part 2)

I don't know why's that, but I am fond of paradoxons, just like this motto of mine: Everything is possible.
And now let me explain to you, what this sentence means to me: I believe that everything is possible, that I am able to sing literally anything regardless genre, style, range (obviously within the ambitus of my voice), because from an anatomic point of view, it is possible. Every fear, and limit we draw is actually between our ears, and by that I mean, that if you are open minded enough, there is no such thing as "too low" or "too high", or even "too middle" (some singers are afraid of their middle register - someone has to explain this to me what is the reason behind that).

If you think about it, singing is just muscle work and like every muscle, you can train these muscles, and if it is muscle work, you can think about singing also as a vocal work-out. The more muscle mass you have, the stronger your voice get. On the other hand, by remaining open-minded in every situation results a better access to the resonance, and also the "hidden reserves" of your instrument.

This kind of mindset also requires daring to take risks. Take the risk of failure, because if everything is possible, it is possible that it is impossible.

It is a little bit like Schrödinger's cat, which is just as alive as it is dead in that box, but you will never find out the truth unless you open the box. After all, what can you possibly loose? Will you die or will it do any harm to you if you fail at something in singing? I have never seen a singer making a mistake while making music and got hit by lightning (yes, I am exaggerating it, and I am doing it on purpose).
Of course we would like to choose for the safest and easiest solutions (except for me: there's nothing exciting and challenging about safe and easy...), because we are aftraid of getting hurt in any way, and we were taught to be careful in any circumstances (when we cross the road, ride the bike, etc.). But don't tell me, you have never enjoyed the divine mix of excitement and fear, which causes an adrenalin-rush in your body... It is just fun... So why not taking the risk and saying: everything is possible?

Interestingly enough, all those phrases that leaves a singer's lips regarding range, style and genre, those phrases are rather reflecting on their own fears. When they say - for example - "I'm a soprano, and singing below C' is too low for me", that is not showing something that this particular singer capable of, but her decision that she doesn't want to sing below C' (sad, but true, and truth can be pretty ugly sometimes). Therefore I am not really fond of putting a stamp on my forehead which shouts which voicetype I am. It is true, that I don't like to peep too high, but if I have to, I can do it, because I know my organs and muscles are able to get those high notes. Also it depends on my mood sometimes: sometimes I enjoy going all the way to my chest voice and enjoy the vibration behind my collarbone and eyes, but there are days when I am in the mood of discovering the upper limits of my voice.
This doesn't mean I don't use certain registers from time to time when I practise. I always explore my whole range, it is just how I feel about it at that very moment, and that can change from morning to afternoon.

So just like Mark Twain said: Explore. Dream. Discover. You never know what is waiting for you beyond the limits you drew for yourself. If you keep your mind open and flexible, this mindset will keep your body open and flexible.

Never judge a book by its cover

When I was a kid I was convinced that the things on this world are either black or white, good or bad, and nothing in between. I think I might have thought that way, because my parents were raising me and my brother in consequent way, and I am really grateful to them for doing so. They drew a very clear and firm line between what I am allowed to do and what not, and if I asked them why I am not allowed to do a particular thing, they cared to explain me in a sober way.

Time passed and finally I had to leave home to bend into the society which said to be important, but I've enjoyed being alone more and more as I got to know this society. Nope, I'm not anti-social, I just cannot stand stupidity and pointless insults - that's all... That's why I may seem to isolate myself sometimes from people, but to tell the truth I enjoy to be in the company of people, but I prefer to listen to them and observe them. It is almost like reading a book, so that's how I learned that if you would like to get to know someone really good, you shouldn't just listen to them, but also observe them, and even if you listen to them do it in such way that you don't get lost in their words, but you try to understand their motivation. You would be suprised what simple things can serve as a motivation behind our deeds and how our bodylanguage can tell more about ourselves than the words that are leaving our lips.

For me getting to know people is really like reading a book, and I learned quite early not to judge any book by its cover. And as a matter of fact, when you give a singing lesson, you do the same thing: you are reading your pupil(s) body language, movements, breathing, etc. The more you read them and the more you know about them, the more you can help them solve their vocal problems - and the more they can help you solve your own vocal problems and help you deepen your knowledge and understanding about how your instrument works. They are singing books; some of them loud and proud, some of them shy and timid, but they all have one thing in common: all of them are valuable, precious and vulnerable work, something to appreciate and to take a good care of.

Everything is possible (part 1)

It really wouldn't be me, if a sentence as the title says "Everything is possible" wouldn't serve as a motto of my life as a professional musician. As much as a paradox it is, as much as it inspired me in past few years.

Back then when I began my studies at the conservatory I had pretty primitive ideas about singing and music in general. Based on the repertory building beforehand I was convinced, just like everyone else nowadays that there's no free passing between voice types, in other words your preferred register defines the repertory you are able to sing. But the years I spent as an early vocal ensemble music student and also Ildikó Hajnal, my singing teacher's methods and approach pushed me towards new boundaries, and that reminded me to the very essential idea why I've actually decided to be a singer. And that idea was actually that I wanted to see how far I could get with it, to figure out where my limits are as a musician and as a singer.

To be honest, and without being all the way stuck up, I am a multitalented, intelligent and smart woman (which is quite something if you take a look at my beuatiful blond hair...), and as being one I could be anything I wanted to be. I figured this out at some quite early age, so thanks to that I always knew what I wanted to be and that was always something else: architect, lawyer, captain of a ship (sometimes even a space ship), astronaut, teacher, pirate, physician, journalist, writer, historian, restaurator, painter, mob boss, detective, pathologist, secret agent or mad scientist - but hell, never a musician! In grammar school, I was such a bookworm that while my classmates were living their normal puberty lives, I spent my long afternoons and evenings in libraries (no misunderstanding: there was one at school, another one at the dormitory where I was living in those times and the of the central library of the region - this one was actually behind my school). In the year of graduation I had enough, and I was aso allowed to get some extra time for my singing lessons at the music school. This meant a 90 minutes long singing lesson every week, from which 60 minutes was the actual lesson and the remaining 30 minutes rehearsing with a pianist under the supervision of my singing teacher at that time, Erzsébet Feichter). I had to play the piano and though I should have attended music theory lessons, I chose to sing in the choir of the music school instead.
Before I realized I've got more involved in music and with singing than I made up my mind to become a singer. When I told the people around me (my family, my classmates, my friends and my teachers) that I am planning to give the auditions of the conservatory in Miskolc a go, many of them laughed at me or just looked at me as if I were out of my mind. My chosen faculties in grammar school were history, and Hungarian literature and grammar; in the end it turned out I haven't dawdled away my time with those countless hours spent with my faculty subjects, because if you are getting involved with early music, some extra knowledge in history, literature and grammar pays off pretty well.

Well, as you can see I did not become a lawyer, neither a pirate, but I've become a singer which is a way better than all the other professions I've ever imagined to myself. Why? Because music and singing requires a fresh and fit mind all the time, pushing you to learn something new everyday, and also pushing you to extend or even exceed your limits.

Everything is possible... Yes, believe it or not, everything is possible, even for a bookworm to become a singer. For many years I've listened to the discrimination of my kind ("my kind" here stands for people with intelligence, high intellect and strong thirst for knowledge) considering them as people who have barely the ability or they are just simply unable to sense the little nuances of their body, and that thinking and their intelligence is actually in the way of artistic expression. But you know what? That's not true. It is true, that if you keep telling someone, who's happen to be smarter and has a bigger theoretical knowledge than you, that these merits are bad and they are preventing him/her from musical development, he/she will believe you after a while and will curse himself/herself for the gift he/she was given. I wouldn't classify people like thinkers and emotionals. I believe that each of us has the equal ability to feel, sense and understand the world that surrounds us, it is just the matter of personal choice which approach we would like to choose and where do our priorities lie.

After I figured that my intelligence and intellect used in an effective and proper way will help me to develop as a singer and as a muscian, a whole new world opened up for me, and slowly the thought of "everything is possible" took over my mind and I've begun to experiment more and more...

Letting go

Maybe it's the rain we've been having recently
Something about the rain keeps reminding me
But these days I'm sure you would be surprised
I'm a different person you'd hardly recognise
And there's the reasons why I know
But nobody tells you but the letting go.

(Joe Cocker: The letting go)

It is raining now for a while here in the Netherlands. Well, if you live here, sometimes you have the very feeling it is raining all the time, but I'm not complaining, the weather was quite nice in the past year, it was warm spiced up with a lot of sunshine. But to tell the truth, I actually like rain very much. Not the part where I am getting all the way wet to my bones while riding my bike in the rain to the restaurant where I work, or on the way back, but the rain itself. I like to take an umbrella and some waterproof footware and just walk in the rain and enjoy the scent of it. I like the way how it washes away everything and when it stops raining, and the sky clears up you value the sunshine even more. 

No, there's no misunderstanding, I am writing about letting go. There are many things I would like to let go recently: old habits, fears, doubts, painful memories (because during the great and fun time I had in the past years, I had collected some painful ones as well), etc. In a way, I agree with Carrie Fisher saying in the beginning of her HBO stage show Wishful drinking (which I recommend everyone to watch, because it's hilarious): "I have to start by telling you that my entire lifecould be summed up in one phrase, and that is: if my life wasn't funny, it would just be true, and that is completely unacceptable. Now... what that means is (other than what it sounds like): let's say something happens and from a certain slant, maybe it's tragic and even a little bit shocking. And then time passes and you go to the funny slant and now that very same thing can no longer do you any harm. So, what we're really talking about then is location, location, location"

True. Sometimes I am indulging myself in the past, though I know very well that the past is a nice place to visit but never a pleasant place to stay. Recently I am finding myself wondering about things I could have done better in the past and what I could do in the future in a different way, but the only conclusion I get to is that I need change and I need to let go everything: the past, the fears, the doubts, the pain, and everything else that holds me back.

I remember the last time I had enough of being inable to move anywhere. I felt I was stuck and I had the feeling I cannot breath anymore, and these feelings were painfully familiar. At that time I had no idea how to move out from that hesitating state, being afraid of anything that came into my way. That was the time when I had my ever first portfolio shoot and there I could let go (well, I was half naked), and I could do it for three reasons:

1. I wanted to show my instrument in a way that nobody would expect me to do so. After all, you don't put clothes on a piano, or on a violin or on a cello - that would look sooo silly...
2. By the end of the training I've got during the 6 years of Conservatory I felt myself denuded from many of my old habits.
3. I had soooo much fun :)))

 I will never forget when I let go my yearning for freedom, because the moment I surrendered and made friends with the idea of captivity, freedom fell onto my lap and things suddenly began to move, and I didn't care anymore just went with the flow of events. I didn't even have time to realize what I was doing I was just doing it, because that was the easiest thing to do. As a matter of fact I don't like to think too much forward (though I have many longterm plans), I rather prefer to just do my thing. The less you think, the happier you are afterwards.

Letting go is the hardest thing I've ever encountered, because it holds the possibility of radical change and loosing something that we think it is useful for us. Letting go chases us out into the wilderness of the soul where God knows what awaits for us (for some reason the first that would pop one's mind is something dangerous, or even lethal - isn't it interesting?). I am still learning the art of letting go. So far the most succesfull "letting go"-events were when I could forget about the possible consequences in a way that not even the term would have popped up in my mind. Of course there were a whole series of events that put me into that state of mind.

I am looking for that state of mind now: in the rain, hoping it would wash away everything while waiting for the vital ray of sunshine on my skin and on the path I am following. So I let it rain, I let it go...

Catering industry vs. Classical musicians

OK, not Classical Musicians... Classical Musicians and Early Musicians alike... 

I have a part-time job at a restaurant in the outskirts of Tilburg. No, I am not a perky waitress, neither helping out in the kitchen. I am on the bottom of the hierarchy: I am one of the dishwashers. Heavy physical work, but if you do it right it can bring your body some benefit (it is like a complete work out). I work here since Easter last year, and though doing the dishes doesn't match with my profession, it is good to  keep my financial basis firm and on the other hand the schedule is flexible. There's not such a high salary that would pay enough to give up such flexibility. As a musician you need this flexibility, because the amount of commissions and concerts are not frequent enough to provide you enough money to make a living. 

I am sure many of you have done this kind of job before, but comparing to other restaurants, this one is different in many ways. First of all you cannot order a meal a la carte, because they don't have a menu card. They are specialized on parties, events, catering, feasts, birthdays, weddings, receptions, etc. Three halls, a bar, and two smaller independent buildings give place to these events, and there are days when all of these are full of people and they even have more than one team going on providing catering service somewhere else. Yes, it is extreme, but I love it. It tears my body apart, because my task is not only doing the dishes, but also cleaning everything up, and put the clean stuff where they belong to (in the kitchen, or on the backroom, or wherever they have to be put). So it is not only physical job, but also requires some smart planning of logistics, fitnesse and effective quickness.

I have spent several months there until now, and I have to say that we, musicians (especially classical and early musicians) have what to learn from these people. Here's a list with some explanation to each point:

1. The customer's No.1 priority

It doesn't matter how much time and energy the chef invested in that particular dish, if it tastes awful, the customer won't pay for it. It is interesting how our audience works, and in many sense we, musicians, can be really grateful for their patience. I mean, nobody would ever let anyone to push some awful tasting food down his/her throat at a restaurant, but our public will clap no matter what we do. But no matter how much time the chef spent with that disgusting stuff, you won't eat it. Isn't this a little upside down? There's one thing in common though with restaurants with horrible food and musicians giving terrible concerts: after a short time they will loose their customers (and not only because nothing lasts forever).

2. Effective teamwork is more important than anything

During parties, dinner events and many more, waiters, waitresses, chefs and everyone in this restaurant are working in such an effective and cooperative way that the result works as a well-oiled machine and all the guests have a great time there. But when the guests are going home, this team continue to work on preparing the other day’s event, and they are helping eachother in order to finish as soon as possible. This is definitly something I am always amazed about, whenever I see it. They either learned or they behave by nature in this certain way, because they know that being an obstacle cause them nothing but trouble and misfortune (not immediate, but long-term trouble and misfortune). There is this joke about the waitress and her friend are having a conversation about a night out in town:

- Sooo... Can you make it tonight to go out in town?

- I don’t know, I have to work from 16:00 o’clock.

- And when will your shift finish?

- Finish? My shift doesn’t have an end-time...

There is no definite end-time of the shift: it finishes when the job is done.

On the level of musicians teamwork (in best cases) works until the final cadence of the concert, and then they are just looking for their own benefit. I may be wrong (I've already said that I'm not right, neither I possess the truth – nobody does actually) but musicians can be really an obstacle in eachothers development and success (more often on purpose than unintended, unfortunately). They call it competition, which is OK, if two ensembles are competing with eachother on the market, but this occurs too often among the members of an ensemble and in my point of view, that's just simply pointless and stupid. Being an obstacle in your fellow musician’s way is the same thing when a waitress’ priority is not being part of the team, but seeking her own good. Musicians and singers don’t do this because they are bad or evil people, they are doing so, because they are so busy with being an artist and with the music they are performing (especially with the interpretation they imagined behind the notes) that they are just completely clueless when it comes to behave like a human being. People (and this applies on everyone in general, this is just human nature) don’t think about long-term solutions. For some reason they are also happy with temporarly pleasures and their selfishness only brings them misery, bitterness and loneliness. They are choosing for the short-term pleasures, because long-term solutions require sacrifices, and because these sacrifices don’t pay-off immediately, and because people are impatient in general, they won’t take the risk of giving away something small for something bigger (which pays off at an unexpected and unpredictable time).
NB: Dear Singers, I have really bad news for ya... Being a singer means to take these risks and make these lesser (sometimes even seemingly bigger) sacrifices if you would like to do your thing right. Good news: it always pays off quite nicely and your reward will also stay for a life-time (if you are smart enough).

3. If the customer is happy, we are happy

This seems to be the same thing as the first one, but this actually rather points out that if you make your customer happy, it will make you (as the provider of this happines) also feel good about it. Positive feedback and positive emotions are just as important for someone who works in the catering industry as it is for you, dear performing musicians. I hear many people complaining about how they cannot make a living as a musician or as a singer (nevertheless, comparing to the Middle Ages, when musicians were the outcast of society, you can be happy about being considered as an equal human being, protected by the law as anyone else). Well, it is because you know what would make your audience happy, but you are just refusing to satisfy their needs. Of course they won’t want to listen to your mindf*cked ideas, if you don’t serve it in such way that it would get them in the mood of eating it. It’s like having sex with someone without any foreplay: a quickie can be exciting and pleasuresome from time to time, but invade your partner with only quickies and having only one-night-stands will only fuck-up your emotional life. The opposite also applies: if you serve your a little-bit of perverted ideas in an „edable”-way, even a mindf*ck will spice up your relationship with your audience. You just need to put these ideas in context and be really clear about communicating them.

 

Among this list, and to refer to someone else’s words proving we need to change our mindset about concert and/or music concepts, there you go: a really interesting, recently published article. Those, who follow my posts on Facebook, might have already seen me sharing this article, saying: I firmly believe that if one begins to think differently and voices his/her opinion, things may change things for good. (Partly that’s the reason why I am writing this blog, and also because I’m a hopeless exhibitionist craving for your attention – like every performing artist is). I had the luck to meet Brendan Walsh (the author of this article), and I was also attending his lectures Cultural entrepreneurship at the Fontys Conservatory in Tilburg. To be honest I didn’t want to go to his lectures, and I had one simple reason: in my experience, though Fontys Conservatory is an innovative institution willing to improve education with great lecture ideas, their business-related lessons during my Bachelor years were simply a disaster (guest speakers without any clue about music industry or the manners of the classical musician world). So I thought he will be just the same as his predecessors, but I was wrong. Maybe the most remarkable memory from his lectures regarding the subject of this entry when he stated something I had never imagined a performing musician would ever admit: the new generation of musicians is a threat for the generation before them. When I’ve heard him saying that I was silently applausing and rejoicing in myself, and with this statement he became (in my eyes, at least) from an entertaining teacher and presenter to someone worths pay attention to. So there it goes, a shout-out for his article: Classical Music is dead... Long live Classical Music!
NB: He mentiones a few recent attempts to make classical music a product which sells better, by putting classical music performances in new context (regarding location, dancing to classical music and such), which is (in my opinion, again) a good way to point out we need change, but until our attitude won't change, none of the results (good or bad) will hold - nevertheless, we need these pointing fingers.