You are not alone

I consider myself handy with digital stuff and computers, and apps, but there are just some things that I have no energy or brain capacity left to go into (like TikTok or going live on either Instagram or Facebook, and for the record to this day I still don't really get Twitter). I think I'll stick to blogging for now. I do have some social media accounts, enculding Instagram and recently I came across a few singers there with whom we share a similar story from our studies at the Conservatory. The scary thing about it, that all three of us live in different countries, and we experienced almost exactly the same bad treatment from teachers and exam committees, so it seems this wasn't a local problem, rather it is very much global.

I guess it all started with the #MeToo movement when it took its first flight and a whole discussion began about sexual abuse and exploitation, and people started to share their stories, it has started a bigger chain-reaction than anyone would have ever expected. Soon after that we started to talk about abuse in general as well: emotionally abusive behaviour, narcissistic tendencies, and all those heavy sh*t from the deepest pitches of Hell that were considered as a taboo for centuries long. It is a good thing, bad behaviour needs to be pointed and called out, we should also raise awareness to how to recognize the red flags and deal with toxic behaviour and/or people.

After hearing the stories of these lovely singers (young women, actually) on Instagram, seeing them going through the exact same hell I went through roughly 7 years ago and the ugly path of healing (that's also the date of posting my ever first entry on here), revealing and re-living traumatizing events, I felt a certain urge from deep within to offer them support, to tell them they are not alone and they are going in the right direction, that there will come a day when all the anxiety, pain, sadness, confusion and shame will be gone and they will come out of it as a stronger person. They will get to a happy place, and will be able to enjoy singing again, even if now at this very moment they think or ever thought about quitting the music industry altogether.

How on Earth is it possible that music education became a toxic environment for young musicians? It looks very much alike of those abuse-circles: the teachers of our teachers has been traumatized, so therefore they are traumatizing their pupils, and the circle goes on and on. It is important to note, that not all music teachers are toxic or emotionally abusive, just like not all people are. However there are certain type of relationships and people that can become toxic and/or abusive. We are all people after all, nobody can bear the burden of being on a pedestal all the time. Also there are musicians whom are just not fit to become a nurturing and good teacher for their students - it is true, that you can learn from their example nevertheless: the things you shouldn't do when it comes to teaching. More importantly: it has to click between student and teacher. Just like in any other relationship you need to speak the same musical language, share similar principles and have clear boundaries.

Of course, when you're young, there's a huge chance you don't have any clear boundaries set, or at least even if you have some, there's a huge chance it gets blurred in the course of time from both sides: your teacher and the school system itself is blurring the lines get you accustomed to their ways and you are blurring them too, because you respect your mentors, teachers and the school you're attending - after all, they are the ones that will give you your diploma in the end. The only problem with blurring the lines is that nobody in the relationship will see clearly, which makes the whole situation worse and worse. Both sides get impatient with eachother, and after a while there are constant arguments and conflicts. The sad thing about the whole thing is that most of the time teachers are not aware of their hurtful behaviour and/or acting out of spite, impatience or because they are simply triggered by their any other unprocessed trauma. Don't forget, they are human, just like you, and can be just as clueless as anyone can be. This of course is not an excuse for any hurtful or abusive behaviour. Whatever situation you'll ever get in, know that you deserve to be treated as a human being - no less, no more. Knowing that they are human helps you to forgive them and let go of your anger, guilt, shame and pain. Once you could forgive them, you can start building a new life based on healthy boundaries and habits, and look forward to the rest of your amazing life.

Fortunately, therapy and mental health support becomes more and more available to everyone around the globe, and the newer generation of musicians are actually not that ashamed to ask for help anymore (in general, nowadays people are more eager to go to therapy when needed than 20 years ago and it is a good thing). And truly, therapy, if you can commit yourself to it, is a wonderful thing and highly recommended to everyone. A good therapist will guide you through your little hell, ask you the right questions at the right time (very important!).

There are three Winston Churchill quotes that had inspired me on my journey to heal, and those are:

"In War: Resolution.

In Defeat: Defiance.

In Victory: Magnanimity.

In Peace: Good Will."

"If you're going through hell, keep going!"

"You will never reach your destination if you stop and throw stones at every dog that barks."

These wonderful quotes show you how you should treat people, how to handle difficult or even hellish situations, and that if you want to reach your goal, you simply cannot allow yourself the luxury of paying attention to literally everything on the way.

And finally: believe me, all that you feel right now, all those bad things, that anger, pain, confusion, guilt and shame, they will all pass. They are never here to stay, only if you hold onto them. Everything you feel right now is normal and very much real, so you have every right to feel bad and down right now - just don't stay there, please! You've just been through something that shocked you, maybe it was even tragic, or it broke your heart into a million pieces, but you survived. It is entirely up to you and only you where you're going from here. The future might be obscure, storm clouds may hide the sunshine from you, but one day the clouds will roll away, and always remember: the sun always shines behind the clouds. That is that we are thriving for. We are thriving for that life-giving and warm sunshine.

Never judge a book by its cover

When I was a kid I was convinced that the things on this world are either black or white, good or bad, and nothing in between. I think I might have thought that way, because my parents were raising me and my brother in consequent way, and I am really grateful to them for doing so. They drew a very clear and firm line between what I am allowed to do and what not, and if I asked them why I am not allowed to do a particular thing, they cared to explain me in a sober way.

Time passed and finally I had to leave home to bend into the society which said to be important, but I've enjoyed being alone more and more as I got to know this society. Nope, I'm not anti-social, I just cannot stand stupidity and pointless insults - that's all... That's why I may seem to isolate myself sometimes from people, but to tell the truth I enjoy to be in the company of people, but I prefer to listen to them and observe them. It is almost like reading a book, so that's how I learned that if you would like to get to know someone really good, you shouldn't just listen to them, but also observe them, and even if you listen to them do it in such way that you don't get lost in their words, but you try to understand their motivation. You would be suprised what simple things can serve as a motivation behind our deeds and how our bodylanguage can tell more about ourselves than the words that are leaving our lips.

For me getting to know people is really like reading a book, and I learned quite early not to judge any book by its cover. And as a matter of fact, when you give a singing lesson, you do the same thing: you are reading your pupil(s) body language, movements, breathing, etc. The more you read them and the more you know about them, the more you can help them solve their vocal problems - and the more they can help you solve your own vocal problems and help you deepen your knowledge and understanding about how your instrument works. They are singing books; some of them loud and proud, some of them shy and timid, but they all have one thing in common: all of them are valuable, precious and vulnerable work, something to appreciate and to take a good care of.