You are not alone

I consider myself handy with digital stuff and computers, and apps, but there are just some things that I have no energy or brain capacity left to go into (like TikTok or going live on either Instagram or Facebook, and for the record to this day I still don't really get Twitter). I think I'll stick to blogging for now. I do have some social media accounts, enculding Instagram and recently I came across a few singers there with whom we share a similar story from our studies at the Conservatory. The scary thing about it, that all three of us live in different countries, and we experienced almost exactly the same bad treatment from teachers and exam committees, so it seems this wasn't a local problem, rather it is very much global.

I guess it all started with the #MeToo movement when it took its first flight and a whole discussion began about sexual abuse and exploitation, and people started to share their stories, it has started a bigger chain-reaction than anyone would have ever expected. Soon after that we started to talk about abuse in general as well: emotionally abusive behaviour, narcissistic tendencies, and all those heavy sh*t from the deepest pitches of Hell that were considered as a taboo for centuries long. It is a good thing, bad behaviour needs to be pointed and called out, we should also raise awareness to how to recognize the red flags and deal with toxic behaviour and/or people.

After hearing the stories of these lovely singers (young women, actually) on Instagram, seeing them going through the exact same hell I went through roughly 7 years ago and the ugly path of healing (that's also the date of posting my ever first entry on here), revealing and re-living traumatizing events, I felt a certain urge from deep within to offer them support, to tell them they are not alone and they are going in the right direction, that there will come a day when all the anxiety, pain, sadness, confusion and shame will be gone and they will come out of it as a stronger person. They will get to a happy place, and will be able to enjoy singing again, even if now at this very moment they think or ever thought about quitting the music industry altogether.

How on Earth is it possible that music education became a toxic environment for young musicians? It looks very much alike of those abuse-circles: the teachers of our teachers has been traumatized, so therefore they are traumatizing their pupils, and the circle goes on and on. It is important to note, that not all music teachers are toxic or emotionally abusive, just like not all people are. However there are certain type of relationships and people that can become toxic and/or abusive. We are all people after all, nobody can bear the burden of being on a pedestal all the time. Also there are musicians whom are just not fit to become a nurturing and good teacher for their students - it is true, that you can learn from their example nevertheless: the things you shouldn't do when it comes to teaching. More importantly: it has to click between student and teacher. Just like in any other relationship you need to speak the same musical language, share similar principles and have clear boundaries.

Of course, when you're young, there's a huge chance you don't have any clear boundaries set, or at least even if you have some, there's a huge chance it gets blurred in the course of time from both sides: your teacher and the school system itself is blurring the lines get you accustomed to their ways and you are blurring them too, because you respect your mentors, teachers and the school you're attending - after all, they are the ones that will give you your diploma in the end. The only problem with blurring the lines is that nobody in the relationship will see clearly, which makes the whole situation worse and worse. Both sides get impatient with eachother, and after a while there are constant arguments and conflicts. The sad thing about the whole thing is that most of the time teachers are not aware of their hurtful behaviour and/or acting out of spite, impatience or because they are simply triggered by their any other unprocessed trauma. Don't forget, they are human, just like you, and can be just as clueless as anyone can be. This of course is not an excuse for any hurtful or abusive behaviour. Whatever situation you'll ever get in, know that you deserve to be treated as a human being - no less, no more. Knowing that they are human helps you to forgive them and let go of your anger, guilt, shame and pain. Once you could forgive them, you can start building a new life based on healthy boundaries and habits, and look forward to the rest of your amazing life.

Fortunately, therapy and mental health support becomes more and more available to everyone around the globe, and the newer generation of musicians are actually not that ashamed to ask for help anymore (in general, nowadays people are more eager to go to therapy when needed than 20 years ago and it is a good thing). And truly, therapy, if you can commit yourself to it, is a wonderful thing and highly recommended to everyone. A good therapist will guide you through your little hell, ask you the right questions at the right time (very important!).

There are three Winston Churchill quotes that had inspired me on my journey to heal, and those are:

"In War: Resolution.

In Defeat: Defiance.

In Victory: Magnanimity.

In Peace: Good Will."

"If you're going through hell, keep going!"

"You will never reach your destination if you stop and throw stones at every dog that barks."

These wonderful quotes show you how you should treat people, how to handle difficult or even hellish situations, and that if you want to reach your goal, you simply cannot allow yourself the luxury of paying attention to literally everything on the way.

And finally: believe me, all that you feel right now, all those bad things, that anger, pain, confusion, guilt and shame, they will all pass. They are never here to stay, only if you hold onto them. Everything you feel right now is normal and very much real, so you have every right to feel bad and down right now - just don't stay there, please! You've just been through something that shocked you, maybe it was even tragic, or it broke your heart into a million pieces, but you survived. It is entirely up to you and only you where you're going from here. The future might be obscure, storm clouds may hide the sunshine from you, but one day the clouds will roll away, and always remember: the sun always shines behind the clouds. That is that we are thriving for. We are thriving for that life-giving and warm sunshine.

#IndependentWoman

Recently I was facing certain questions about myself and you know, you'd think that by the time you turn 33 years-old you already have your personality completely figured out. And I think I know pretty much who I am and I am proud of the woman I've become. I am grateful for everything I had in my life, and I am satisfied with my career as it is.

I get asked many times if I wouldn't want to have more work in the music and then I think about the 3 ensembles I manage, the 2 choirs I am conducting and another ensemble I am coaching, the churches I am doing musical duties at, and there's this foundation (Stichting Zin in Zingen) I am working with, and the projects I am doing as a guest singer occasionally and so on, and there's teaching and then I am like: Work even more? Isn't this just enough? Yeah, of course, it would be great to become rich and doing that CD recording I've been being asked in the summer whether I have one or not, but next to a part-time job and the diverse musical activities I have and my own vocal- and personal development I have hardly time for posting new entries on this blog, not to mention the fact that when I mention to my Friday date all the things I listed above just now, I get two different reactions. The first reaction is that they ask me if I'd have any room at all for a relationship being so busy, and they already assuming I don't, without me actually giving an answer to this question. The second reaction is that they don't ask this question, just assume that I'd probably don't have time for a relationship so I'd obviously wouldn't mind being treated as a hook-up material or just simply back off - what flattering options to have, isn't it? Anyway, I get assumptions and they make decisions for me without even being asked whether I'm fine with their conclusion or not (let me tell you, no woman would be satisfied or happy with a man making decisions for them - I know, this might be shocking for many! - insert sarcastic joke here). Well, for these gentlemen, whose head are full of their assumptions about me and my intentions, I have no room, no emotional energy and definately no time at all (unless they come out of their head and stop reading between my lines 😉)
So work more? I don't know, maybe. But surely not wasting time for delusional men.

The best was when I was accused of not being a feminist. Well, this made me think a little. I have always considered myself as an "equalist" when it comes to gender rights and gender gap. When I say "equalist", I mean I believe that men and women deserve to be treated as equal, since both of them belong to the human race. There shouldn't be any discrimination based on biological differences. I don't like to call myself a feminist, because then I would be considered as a feminazi as well, who hate men, and as a matter of fact I don't hate men. I love them! I love everything about them! They make great friends and some of them can be excellent lovers (I guess) and very few of them could make exceptionally good partners (the kind I am looking for, actually). In the old fashioned way, I am a true feminist, I act like one. I take pride in the fact that I pay for my monthly expenses, my rent, food on my own, and really I am the Independent Woman from the Destiny's Child song. I am super excited about the 8-week long boxing training I'm about to begin in the end of this month. I am proud of the fact that I can make it on my own without the financial support of some boyfriend or husband or anyone, actually. It's not that I wouldn't need or wouldn't want to have a relationship...

Or well, you know what?

I don't want a relationship. I want partnership. I am an equalist. I want someone with whom we treat eachother like equals. If I don't have that, I prefer to be single, because I am happy the way I am and I don't need a relationship to justify my existence or to give me the flattering status of someone's girlfriend or wife. Again, I'm not against of becoming someone's girlfriend or wife, but not in a relationship that's only relative, I want to be equal with my man. I want to build a castle with him - figuratively. Accepting eachother as we are with all our scars and flaws, laugh together, inspire, forgive and understand eachother. That's what I want...


But well, back to the singing part and music and work and such.
People usually ask me if I've ever thought about singing in a professional choir. And really, I did. I gave it a thought and decided not to do it, not only because I am terrible with auditions. I don't even hold auditions with Bartók Rózsái Együttes for the vacant places, because I don't believe in the efficiency of an audition to filter out candidates for a possible long-term cooperation.
I knew it quite soon back at the Conservatory that I don't want to do the same things fellow-singers did: going to auditions, sometimes just for the sake of doing it and not particularly to get the gig - seriously, I will never understand this madness. Once I asked a friend what is it like to go to these auditions and she told me it's like doing a singing exam at school. I was like: Eh? What's the point of that?? I think it's really rude from the professional world to keep freshly graduated singers in the student state this way. I hated singing exams! There's no way in hell I'd want to go back there! No wonder I've always been bad at auditions...
Don't get me wrong, if you like them, knock yourself out, but I'm not joining this vicious circle of sending me back to exam situations. By the way, this might be also the infected wound which the classical music world actually suffers from - but it's really just a thought.

I will never settle for something less than my goal. Not in my professional life and surely not in my private life.

So here you go:

• I am a feminist, but not a feminazi.
• I am traditional in some cases, but very radical when it comes to (social) causes I am passionate about.
• I am old fashioned, but I don't mind taking the first step.
• I love to experiment with literally anything with the right people in the right circumstances - and not only because my whole self as an early musician and performing artist revolves around experiment and new sensations all the freakin' time
• I believe and trust in God, but I'm not a religious fanatic (like those crazy people from Margaret Atwood's Gilead - a huge shout out to The Handmaid's Tale and The Testaments which is an astonishing deduction to what would happen if religious fanatics would take over in the politics)

I could go on with this list forever. Nothing in life is ever black and white.

Blessed are the no'-s and rejections

You are reading the blog of someone who got rejected many times. Before I got in the Early Music department of the conservatory in Tilburg, I had got rejected from two other Hungarian Conservatories, and got accepted to one but for financial reasons, the class didn't start (yes, it's a thing in Hungary). Regardless the fact that I'm not an ugly or mean person I have been rejected as woman by men as well, believe it or not. 

Yet, I rejoice and I say: God bless those no's and rejections!

For some reason we consider hearing "no" or rejection as a negative, and it is completely fine to feel that way when we come across them. It is important though that we don't stay in this negative mindset, because it can be more damaging than anyone woul ever think. It's OK to lick your wounds, you need it to recover properly from a bad experience. 

I don't know why, but rejection and being told "no" has always been a motivation for me to work harder to want even more than I initially wanted. If I think about it now, my life is filled with rejection and "no", yet I see them as signs pointing in a different direction or even pointing out what I need to work on more. Sometimes encountering rejection is just indicating that you need to change the method and not the direction. Also people tend to say rather "no" than giving a detailed feedback on what they actually not confortable with - I know, because I'm doing this exact same thing (I know, not really smart of me, but I'm just as much human as anyone else). 

Of course I don't see rejection as a feedback on my deeds at first, I even flip out maybe, but after I get my act together, I reflect on it, take a good look at it, sort out what I did out of miscalculations, or which elements were based on my fears and number of other factors, and then I change my method. The goal is the same.

Singing and music has always been present in my life ever since I was born (even before, I think, for I listened to music and the baptist church's repertory in my mother's womb). I decided quite late to become a singer and before I'd have become an early musician I wanted to be an opera singer - I think, I mentioned this before. In reality, I didn't want anything else, and I don't want anything else even today than sing as much as possible and back then opera seemed the most logical choice, and I was also fond of the genre.

Who knows? If I'd have never got accepted to Tilburg to study early music, I would have become an opera singer and who knows, I could have been able to make it first into smaller and later some bigger roles. However, the stuff that I am doing now is very much different from what I had initially imagined back then when I was 17 years-old. As an opera singer I would depend on an opera company, my agent, my pupils and Lord knows what else. I would be bound to all these and I would probably feel miserable as I have always longed for independence and freedom, to be able to fly freely without wings even. 

What do I have now?

I'm a singer specialized in early repertories (medieval, Renaissance and Baroque), I have different ensembles, and I am coordinating our projects together with my colleagues whom I can also call my friends - true friends who would never let me down (in the opera world your relationship is less likely like that with your colleagues - although there are exceptions, of course). If I don't become a singer the way I did I would be a different person for sure. I am free and independent. I have found balance and I have found my own way, and all that thanks to all the rejections I had to meet and all the "no" I had to hear. 

Sometimes we have an idea about what would be the best for us, but my experience is that things have never turned out the way I expected them to, instead they turned out much better. I even had the chance to experiment with improvising operas in two different ways! How cool is that?