Got lightly hit by a car... but it's gone now

It happened about a month ago, and I think it's a story I will tell until I die, because it's the best thing ever happened to me. But let me tell you a little bit of background story to it first.

Back when I was a kid and still needed high chair to reach the table when we were eating - like everyone had one as a kid, so did I. I had this really bad habit of swinging with the high chair from each side to another and because I could balance myself pretty good (most of the times) I almost never fell. Yeah... almost... I fell once with the high chair on my right shoulder. I was (of course) crying, and it most definitely hurt (I can only remember as I was falling, no more than that), but my mother thought it's not necessary to go to see a doctor, because I could still move my arm. Basically there wasn't any visible injury. But as I was growing it came out that probably because of falling on my right shoulder, it dislocated a little bit. For a long-long time after this my right shoulder was always a bit higher than my left. Also it wasn't that much uncomfortable as one would think, though later when few years ago my body awakened and I've got overly sensitive about everything that happens in my body I could sense a certain constant pulling in my muscles on the right side of my body.

The weekend before my tiny bike-accident I had that certain moment I mentioned in The Letting go (Part 2), so when I've got through that, I already felt like I had got my life back along with the peace I could finally find. The Wednesday after this certain moment I've popped by a shop or two after I was done with working, and I also took a look at a sale in a shop. I tried on a beautiful pink satin one-shoulder dress, and the lady in the shop asked me whether I like it or not. I didn't like it, I loved it! Found my Nymph-outfit No. 2, so after hesitating a little the following sentence left my lips: "You live only once!" - and I bought the dress.

Few minutes after I was biking home and I was deep in my thoughts busy with creating possibilities to wear my new Nymph-outfit and to tell my ensemble-buddy, Karel Barten, what a treasure I've found for the next concert we'll perform our Dialogue between a Nymph and a Shepherd by John Jenkins. I was so deep in my thoughts I (somehow) couldn't see or sense that two cars were coming from the right, from the street that crosses the street where I live in Tilburg. I saw the first car, a yellow car, but I couldn't see the red car coming after the yellow one (it could have been also in the blind-spot of my eye-sight). I was also late with grabbing the breaks, and because the air was rather humid on that day, my breaks didn't work as well, as they should had to. Even though I tried to change direction with my bike, the red car still got the front wheel a little and I was falling on the car on my right arm (not on the front of the car, but on its middle), and then of course I fell on the ground. The guy who was sitting in the red car stopped immediately and I have to say that he seemed more shocked than I was - to be honest, I really had to hold back my giggles caused by the unexpected adrenalin-rush. He was also kind of cute, and seeing how worried he was about my well-being (he even parked his car to the side of the street and stayed for another 5 minutes to make sure I'm fine), although the whole little accident was my fault, later a whole series a funny scenarios came into my mind. For example a stupid accident like this could be also a scene from a romantic-comedy movie when the guy and the girl meets. And then the girl still has to go to a hospital, and guess what? The guy who lightly hit her with his car is the doctor who fixes up the girl's arm.

Anyway, I could still move my arm, hand and fingers, so it was clear that I didn't break any of them. Of course later, when the adrenalin-rush was already over, I felt that my right arm cannot be bent, but it was only because of a muscle injury. The adrenalin-rush was still flowing through my body and I couldn't stop giggling when I felt that my right shoulder feels a little bit different. Just to check I looked in the mirror and it was indeed lower than it used to be. Also before the accident I could bring my right arm without any problem far behind my back but after the accident it didn't go further than my left arm could go behind my back. My giggles turned into laughter as I realised what happened to me just seconds ago: my dislocated right shoulder got fixed in the accident.

Ladies and gentlemen, there you go: a true story about how you can come out better than before from a seemingly shocking and tragic accident or experience. Also I felt my life was saved again, and my words at the shop also got confirmed: "you live only once!" - and you better not forget about that. I shouldn't think that I am invincible; on the contrary: I am vulnerable, sensitive and (hell, yes, indeed) I live only once, so I better take care of myself.

Systems... Systems everywhere!

Anyone, who has been reading my blog so far know I dislike every single system: in an earlier entry of mine I ripped on the Prussian education system and blamed it for many wrong deeds, along with literally all marketing systems. And now comes the plot twist: believe it or not, I am not against of systems in general - on paper.

The good thing about systems that they help you getting yourself organized. When you raise your child, you need to build up a daily rhythm (also a system) for them, or they will create their own, and there's no chance you'll be happy with that. Systems surround us, they are part of our every day life. Without them our world would become chaotic.

Now, after establishing the advantage of a system, let's see how can it go absolutely wrong. Any system can become a nightmare when instead of using the system, you abuse the system, let the system use you, or even abuse you - also, you shouldn't abuse the system. Because what is a system anyway? A system is a compilation of do's and don'ts that helps keep everything in order. There you go, a simple definition. Every religion is basically a system aiming for a pretty good life (see the Ten Commandments). Even a recipe in a cook book is a system: for example if you are baking an apple pie, but you put minced meat in it instead of apples, but you keep the rest of the prescribed ingredients (cinnamon, sugar, etc.), your apple pie will be a mess.
Also, theoretically and in the hypothetical sense, without people involved, every system works perfectly. Democracy, bureaucracy, communism - all of these systems work perfectly on paper. But when people starting to abuse the system, it becomes a nightmare for many. There is this old joke about what's the difference between the existing communism and working communism? The existing communism doesn't work, while the working communism doesn't exist. And the problem is not in the structure or in the content of the system, but in our attitude towards the system.

You cannot let a system rule your life, because any system is just a tool in your hand. If the system doesn't really work out for you, you shouldn't choose another system. You should rather change your attitude and find a way to use the system for your own benefit. Bending the rules without breaking them - that's definitely an art.

That's what pioneers do: they are looking for ways to use the system for their own benefit. And after they find it, the system will advance by their success to another level, where the ones whom are too afraid to make change will have a better life. You cannot make change by bringing in an entire new system, you have to make the current one advance to a higher level, build up something on the old and keeping the traditions that still make sense.

So before you'd shout: I want to be a pioneer! Keep in mind, not to give another system to others, but advance in the current one. Is it difficult? Yes, it is. Does it worth the effort? Hell, yes, it does!

The letting go (Part 2)

I've just read again an earlier entry of mine from this blog, and I've realised that the weather is just the same as about a year ago. It rains a lot and a few weeks ago I could finally let go of something really painful. It was a fear of getting back into a certain situation I had accepted to take for the 'greater good', but it turned out it was only me who hoped for that 'greater good' to come. I could finally make peace with myself, for I have done my best and everything to make that visible and noticed. I'm not saying that I am not hoping still for that 'greater good' to come, but initiating it is not my task anymore. To be honest, I was far from being happy with the situation I was pushed into, and I am glad I don't have to go back in the exact same situation ever again. Well, for the 'greater good' you mustn't be afraid of making certain sacrifices. These sacrifices should always mean giving up yourself a little without hurting or blaming others around you for doing so. 

But back to that earlier entry I've mentioned above. It is funny, how you can learn from your past-self over and over again. It just proves that whenever you get lost and the waves are above your head, remember that the solution always lies within you and only you. Nobody is ever at fault for your problems (in your life, relationships, career, etc.), but you and only you, and for that you'll need to forgive yourself and others for certain things. The origin of true Forgiveness is Love (and this is also the origin of Trust). Love, Trust and Forgiveness are walking hand in hand all the time, and neither of them can exist without the rest. If there's no Love, there's no Forgiveness neither Trust. If there's no Trust, there's no Love neither Forgiveness. And obviously if there's no Forgiveness, there's no Love neither Trust. Holding a grudge against someone will only make your emotional package heavier.

Blaming others (I think I've said this already) for anything that doesn't work in your life is only a projection of your own problems on someone you came across. Blaming others is easy - facing that fact that you were wrong or you've made a bad decision or that you are not perfect is the most confronting thing ever. The solution is of course NOT that you clear out the people you blame from your life, because you cannot do this - accept it. The funny thing is: the more you try to remove them, the more they will remain in your life and thoughts, because a removal like this is always painful for both. The solution (in most cases) is that you have to start cleaning up the mess you've been making so far on your own. Of course you can ask help (a professional's or friends' help) and you should do so, but in the end noone else will clean up your mess for you, and if you keep on running away from cleaning up the mess, you will loose everything that has ever been dear to you one by one. You'll only realize this happening to you when the last one is about to leave your side. The same problems will find you over and over again, unless you finally get your sh*t together.

The grace in all this is that even if that last one left your side, even if you seemingly lost everything that has ever been dear to you, you can still clean everything up and build up everything again - again: you can also ask for and get some help (most probably from those whom you pushed away just earlier or from a professional - I do believe in therapy). There's always hope, remember that.

"This is goodbye." - I am really grateful for these three words you said to me, because they set me free for forever from taking that situation again. It also means that I've topped the bill (paraphrasing from the Queen  lyrics of the song The Show Must Go On - "I'll top the bill, I'll overkill..."), there's a new start, what happened before doesn't have an effect on what's happening next. There were mistakes I've made on the way, I'll atone for them, but whatever happens to you from now on that is really not my fault. Just let it rain, let the rain wash away everything that should be washed away.
Yes, I am still hoping for the 'greater good' to come, and I am looking forward to the initiative - every effort will be rewarded and appreciated.

Experiencing new fields in technology

My, oh my, it was such a long time ago I've posted anything here. Actually I didn't have much to talk about so to avoid the mistake of the "speaking"-type of people, who speak and share their thoughts just to entertain themselves by their own voice, I decided to remain silent for a while, until I'll have something to talk about.

Right now (just like the title says) I am experimenting with new fields of technology. A little while ago a dream of mine has come true: I could finally buy a Blackberry smartphone. Normally I am not a "smartphone-loving" type of person, but Blackberry devices (because of their physical keyboard) have always amazed me. Also, I don't really like it when a machine is smarter than I can ever be - I find it kind of intimidating, but whatever, everyone can have their own bugs.
By experimenting and experiencing this, I have downloaded the Blogger app (I am writing this entry in the app), and if it works out, I will be able to post shorter and longer posts a little bit more often than before.

I have to admit, that this little beast makes my life a lot easier and helps me to keep myself more organised. I was already well-organised, but the task-manager app helps me to keep certain things is mind and whenever I'm done with a task within a project I happen to organize, I feel a certain kind of satisfaction and it also gives me the feeling that there might be light in the end of the dark tunnel. I think everyone is familiar with thoughts like this.

By taking this step toward modernisation I have learned that something that seemed to be a bit scary before can also have its advantages. Nevertheless I am careful not to become too much dependent from it, so I still keep my agenda on paper as well, so if the battery dies, I still know what to do next.

Rules of life - according to me

Since I am working on the upcoming concerts of Bartók Rózsái Énekegyüttes, and I am also busy with adjusting my life to my new job as a help at home (which I am enjoying very much, and I will talk about it later in another entry), just a short one for you. And don't worry, I am working on another, longer entry as well, but that's not ready yet and I am still not sure whether I should post that or not... Instead of posting that half-baked entry, I will talk about the rules of life, which I compiled recently and I would like to keep it as short as possible, because the more rules you have in your life, the less flexible you get. But before that, let me share with you a little pleasant surprise I've experienced yesterday night...

Yesterday night I was practising The Aspiration by Henry Purcell, a piece I have been studying for almost two years now, ever since Evelyn Tubb suggested me to learn it after I brought to her masterclass another completely unknown piece by Purcell, The morning hymn. The mentioned pieces have the same character, and they are to be found in the same collection, the Harmonia Sacra. Both of them are dealing with sacramental-religious subject and their texts have a sort of penitential after taste (the typical, I worth nothing but God still saved me, so I sing joyfully to him, and stuff like that), and their style is rather monodic, demanding the performer to forget about beautiful melodies. So, I was practising and studying this piece for a while and though I am pretty good at pieces like The Aspiration it still gave me a difficult time whenever I tried to actually sing it, but yesterday (or sometime before that) something happened and suddenly I was able to sing it with much less vocal problems, and finally I could forget about reminding myself about breathing through at certain passages where I earlier always felt my breath simply stops (probably because I was concentrating too hard). I was able to begin to work on the small details, and it was great! I mean... recently I have been practising, because I wanted to go on, but I wouldn't say it was all pleasant and nice. I went on, because I wanted to and not necessarily because I enjoyed it. Oh, how many times Heent told me to enjoy singing a bit more than I seem to! And back then I wanted  to enjoy it, but it's not... You cannot enjoy something because you want to enjoy it, but you can keep up the good work and later it will pay off - maybe... or maybe not; who knows?

But back to rules of life! I have a little list on my wall (I burnt the rest of my lists I hanged on my wall after I moved out from my former room), and it contains seven short rules. Now I will share them with you, maybe it will be useful for some of you as well...

1. The nose is meant for smelling.
(Not to bump it into other's life and business.)

2. The mouth is for eating.
(Not for spreading gossips and bad-mouth about others.)

3. The lips and the tongue are for sweet words, kissing and pleasure.
(Again: and not for spreading gossips and such... see above)

4. The hands are for grabbing your opportunities.
(Not for anything else stupid, like any violence...)

5. Only one may have access to the lagoon of mysteries.
(Yes, it is in the language of flowers, but it basically means: don't mess around too much, it won't do you any good.)

6. Self-loathing is just as unhealthy as biting your nails.
(I think, this one speaks for itself.)

7. It is better to fall in love than in despair.
(This is the refined version of an earlier wise-crack we always used with a best friend of mine, which says: it is better to fall on a guy than to fall for a guy - this wise-crack "was born" after I fell on a guy as the tram suddenly stopped.)

Spending some precious time with the audience...

I have to start by telling you, before this sentence hits bigger than it should, that it is so interesting how musicians have become elitist snobs (not everyone, but 95% of them) in the last decades. I have two conservatory diploma's, but I am sick and tired of the traditional way of performing music (nicely dressed up - preferably in black, or in a suit -; the venue doesn't really matter, any traditional musician can make a snob, elitist concert hall out of any venue). They do an excellent job, but meanwhile they are doing their best, they give a flawless performance, they forget to enjoy the whole thing (whole thing = the piece they are performing, the fact they are giving something to their audience, and all the emotions music can squeeze out of performers and listeners alike), and they also forget the fact that a flawless performance is a piece of cake for a machine as well.

Guess what? I would like to hear performing musicians make mistakes and show me they are just as much of a human beings as I am, moreover, I would like to see how they get over their mistakes. I don't care about how well you can play that piece, show me some flesh and blood, and please, please, entertain me! Make me laugh, or cry, I don't care, just make me feel alive!
Every single time I see a performer making a mistake and coming out of it, he/she becomes immediately very special to me and I will make sure I'll check out his/her performances in the future. For one single reason: for letting me see the human side of a performer. It is the madness of nowadays, that (literally) everything has to be perfect, though as far as I know only the dead are perfect, everyone else (the living) has a lot to accomplish still, right?


So... Now that this is out of our way, we can talk about spending time with your audience. I know, the paragraphs above seem nothing to do with the title of this entry, but believe me, that few paragraphs of rant will all make sense in the end.

It is funny, how we are not taught to spend time with the audience. I have met many people (singers and instrumentalists alike) who cannot say anything to the compliments and comments of their audience. We are so busy with doing our best on stage that we forget about what really matters: the people. I was also for a long-long time confused and I was at loss for words what to say when someone complimented on my performance or even shared some constructive ideas with me about it. Of course everyone comes to the final solution of saying "thank you" to these compliments and maybe a few more neutral sentences to those constructive comments. But while we are looking for this final and best solution, we really forget to spend time with our audience. Isn't listening to them after they listened to us would be at least the minimum we could do for them? Wouldn't it be the best way of figuring out how we can please their ears (and not the ears of other professional musicians)?

I used to be one of those singers who couldn't deal with her audience, and I am so happy I am not like that anymore. Also, fortunately I have been an exhibitionist person since my early childhood (showing off with my drawings, the new songs and poems I had learned, etc.), so it wasn't too difficult to reach out again to this. Now that I could (more or less) get back to this mentality, and I don't care anymore about saying something smart and artistic to my audience's words, I am able to enjoy the warm bath they are preparing for me: the compliments are the hot water, the bath oil and the bubbles, and the comments (constructive or not) are the cold water and the towel. And that's how everything stays in balance. I am happy I am finally able to enjoy their company after the concert and their happy faces make me feel satisfied - despite the mistakes I might have done.

Do you know what's good about your audience? First of all, they are cheering for you. Secondly, they forgive the mistakes you make at the concert, and they appreciate if you overcome the shock caused by this mistake. They forgive you, because you're human, just like they are. It is not bad to show your vulnerability to them - actually they love it, It is just the illusion created by music teachers that perfection and invincibility to motivate their pupils to practise enough. But if you bore them, that's something beyond recovery, I'm afraid. You can agree with me, and you can disagree, but it's true. After all, music is so much fun, so why would you keep all the fun for yourself?

Get it by your hands

"Don't beg for it, earn it! Do that and you will be rewarded."
(Eureka SeveN)

I have never been the kind of person who would be satisfied with anything that's granted. I have always found satisfaction in my achieved goals and my successfully accomplished tasks/missions when I had to really work hard for them (even if I had to perform a miracle). I would hate to be appreciated for being who I am (for my name, I mean) instead of what I do. When I told this to a dear friend of mine, he told me that it is an honorable and nice feature of one's personality, but it's also a little bit stupid. I cannot help, this is who I am, but I have to admit, I agree and disagree with him at the same time.

I agree, because it is indeed comes with more seemingly unnecessary investment (qua time, energy, money, etc.), and living on what you've already got by birth, everything that you can take for granted (thanks to your ancestors, and your name, or the position you happen to have) is much easier than to fight your way inch by inch towards your goal. But if you keep on working from the resources that you were given, you'll prevent yourself from reaching for an unimaginable success, because you cannot and you don't want to see anything else, but these resources. Of course, probably you may come up with new ideas, and manage to obtain new additional resources and connections to your current and given ones, but you'll only be able to use them until a certain limit. That's what happens also when your experience becomes a burden instead of a benefit. And anyway, who on earth like limitations in anything?

So I have to say, I firmly disagree. I am rather fond of the theory of the Greater Fool. The greater fool theory states that the price of an object is determined not by its intrinsic value, but rather by irrational beliefs and expectations of market participants. A price can be justified by a rational buyer under the belief that another party is willing to pay an even higher price. Or one may rationally have the expectation that the item can be resold to a "greater fool" later. (yes, Wikipedia is your evil friend sometimes... I wouldn't quote from Wikipedia if I wouldn't checked it carefully). The Greater Fool in my opinion is also someone who doesn't really looks for fame or the merits he may get out of anything he does. Instead of that, he leaves everything behind and leads the way through the unknown and creates new paths to follow for the ones that are coming after him. That's why he doesn't look at the price and the amount of investements he has to put into a certain project or new approach. The only thing that matters for him is that everyone who decides to follow the path he created will result something better than before. That's why he chases after his dreams (or in other words, the irrational beliefs and expectations of market participants).
The Greater Fool don't beg for success, he earns it, and get it by his hands, though sometimes he's rewarded with success.

Why is this important for a singer (or even for an instrumentalist)? Singing and working on your (vocal) development demands one to become a Greater Fool. If I would make a calculation on how much I've spent for school, singing lessons and travelling for the sake of my own education so far, I could buy a furnished house, and pay for its expenses for a few years. And on the other hand (and this is quite old argument, but still good) if I would get paid for all those hours I work on programme's, organizing concerts and projects, or just for practising, even on the minimal wage's hourly payment, I would be a millionaire. It always takes more investment in time, energy, money, etc. than it actually pays back in cash.

But just imagine: you sing a song at a concert (not even at any of those fancy concert locations, just a song after mass or anything like that), and then you see the happy faces of your audience - well, you can be sure that they will bring something nice home in their heart. Making people happy doesn't pay you in cash, and it doesn't pay off immediately, but it makes you a better person, and who knows? Maybe later on you will get an unexpectedly nice comission from someone or you'll be asked to join a project that's interesting and even pays well. NB: the other side of this coin is that you better not screw around with people, because that's also pays off, but that payment will hurt pretty bad.

Enough of complaining about you cannot do what you really would like to, and that there are no challanging projects you can join! If you really would like do something interesting, well do something interesting! Don't beg for it, earn it! Do that and you'll be rewarded.