An update and random thoughts

Well, long time no see... I haven't been updating my blog for a while and after being asked recently if I'm planning to continue, here you go. Athough I cannot really promise one guiding thought in this entry.

I would like to begin this entry by giving you a little update about what I was doing in the past months. I think I published my last entry sometime around end of March, and ever since I have several things behind my back. Now, as I look back I have a kind of busy period behind me and now that I don't really have any concert booked to give until next year, I am kind of happy. I can use these months (practically from 2nd week of September until the end of the year) for prepare next year's activities with Scherzi Musici and Bartók Rózsái Énekegyüttes, and begin to prepare some more interesting and challenging stuff (don't worry, I'll keep you posted about these new stuff).

Scherzi Musici got the chance to give two fringe concerts at the Utrecht Early Music Festival and we could perform our ars nova programme, Petrarch, a Medieval Poet, and a week after also a long planned and preparred cooperation with Duo Suoni was presented at the season's opening concert of Lidwina in concert  in Best, which was an evening with Italian Early Baroque compositions. Before all these in August we had a fruitful rehearsal and preparation period with Bartók Rózsái Énekegyüttes in Hungary, and we managed to record all the material for a video trailer of our programme - the trailer still needs to be finished, but once it's ready I will post it anywhere I can. Earlier this year we also had a photo shoot, we have programme description ready, so you can say that the portfolio of Bartók Rózsái Énekegyüttes is almost ready.

And recently I've started taking an improv course in Amsterdam at easylaughs, which has seemingly nothing to do with singing, but it does with performing and letting go of control. I have met wonderful people in the past months and I don't think you'll see many similarly emotional posts, like last 4 or 5 entries of this blog, because aside from these music and performing based developments I also took the time to recover and take a closer look at my contant weight-loss. Now that my weight is stabilized along with my thoughts I feel myself strong enough to get on my two beautiful feet and legs and just walk towards my goals.

My goals to be able to let go as much as possible of the control of my intellect, to develop my voice, broaden my repertory, deepen my current knowledge in singing and in music. And just enjoy life while being morally absolutely correct and unquestionable. Because it doesn't matter what the media and everyone else telling you: morals do matter. I won't give any explanation on that, because it is not necessary. Did you do anything in the past that you still regret? Take care of it/them as soon as possible, so you can leave the weary feeling of regret. Take the responsibility for your deeds in the past and vow that you'd never act the same way as you used to if those deeds give you the feeling of regret. Apologize, if you need it and don't hold on to resentment - regardless a few things in life, the choice is always yours: remember, you have the possibility to choose for the good.

At the yoga studio where I go 2 or 3 times a week at least, there are few packs of inspirational and insight cards. Not like I would ever give credit to those, but I liked this one: "Old ways won't open new doors". If I think about it now, I think I've always known this, but reading it on a piece of paper of hearing it aloud reminds me to the truth behind this simple phrase.

And now I am just happy to be alive and  to have no regrets...

The key to inner peace is...

... forgiveness.

For a long time I thought the key to inner peace is to be satisfied with your accomplished goals and being successful, but I had to realise that these things are rather results of the inner peace, than the inner peace itself.

It was about 3 years ago when I went to Finland for the Sastamala Gregoriana masterclass, and my senses awakened (see this entry for more), and that helped me realise how much negativity and resentment I am holding onto instead of letting go of old grudges. Of course, I was shocked seeing how many emotional loose ends I have. The shock was followed by embarrassment and frustration, and then I really decided to take care of my emotional loose ends. One would think these loose ends cannot cause much problems, but the more you have of them, the more they will block your way of getting over old things. And here I would quote here Carrie Fischer again: "... let's say something happens and from a certain slant, maybe it's tragic and even a little bit shocking. And then time passes and you go to the funny slant and now that very same thing can no longer do you any harm."
If you don't go to the "funny slant" as time goes by, and don't understand and accept that tragic and shocking experiences can no longer do you any harm, you'll get stuck in your past.

But how can you actually go to the funny slant? My mother always says: if you cannot laugh about it, you are not over it yet. Even top secret documents have expiration date, not to mention foodstuff. The only thing that certain and eternal in this World is that everything continuously changes. If you prevent this natural flow, there's no way you could come out of it healthy and unhurt.

Even at singing, if you for example grab on your larynx, you'll get eventually vocal problems after a while. The essence of Life is change, therefore for a healthy career you shouldn't be afraid of this natural flow.

How you take care of loose ends? You apply forgiveness. You forgive everyone that has ever intentionally or unintentionally hurt you - including yourself. There's always two sides of the coin and sometimes you just have to accept that whatever happened, it cannot be helped, just forgive without wanting to hear an apology.

I am still working on my loose ends. How about you?

The letting go (Part 2)

I've just read again an earlier entry of mine from this blog, and I've realised that the weather is just the same as about a year ago. It rains a lot and a few weeks ago I could finally let go of something really painful. It was a fear of getting back into a certain situation I had accepted to take for the 'greater good', but it turned out it was only me who hoped for that 'greater good' to come. I could finally make peace with myself, for I have done my best and everything to make that visible and noticed. I'm not saying that I am not hoping still for that 'greater good' to come, but initiating it is not my task anymore. To be honest, I was far from being happy with the situation I was pushed into, and I am glad I don't have to go back in the exact same situation ever again. Well, for the 'greater good' you mustn't be afraid of making certain sacrifices. These sacrifices should always mean giving up yourself a little without hurting or blaming others around you for doing so. 

But back to that earlier entry I've mentioned above. It is funny, how you can learn from your past-self over and over again. It just proves that whenever you get lost and the waves are above your head, remember that the solution always lies within you and only you. Nobody is ever at fault for your problems (in your life, relationships, career, etc.), but you and only you, and for that you'll need to forgive yourself and others for certain things. The origin of true Forgiveness is Love (and this is also the origin of Trust). Love, Trust and Forgiveness are walking hand in hand all the time, and neither of them can exist without the rest. If there's no Love, there's no Forgiveness neither Trust. If there's no Trust, there's no Love neither Forgiveness. And obviously if there's no Forgiveness, there's no Love neither Trust. Holding a grudge against someone will only make your emotional package heavier.

Blaming others (I think I've said this already) for anything that doesn't work in your life is only a projection of your own problems on someone you came across. Blaming others is easy - facing that fact that you were wrong or you've made a bad decision or that you are not perfect is the most confronting thing ever. The solution is of course NOT that you clear out the people you blame from your life, because you cannot do this - accept it. The funny thing is: the more you try to remove them, the more they will remain in your life and thoughts, because a removal like this is always painful for both. The solution (in most cases) is that you have to start cleaning up the mess you've been making so far on your own. Of course you can ask help (a professional's or friends' help) and you should do so, but in the end noone else will clean up your mess for you, and if you keep on running away from cleaning up the mess, you will loose everything that has ever been dear to you one by one. You'll only realize this happening to you when the last one is about to leave your side. The same problems will find you over and over again, unless you finally get your sh*t together.

The grace in all this is that even if that last one left your side, even if you seemingly lost everything that has ever been dear to you, you can still clean everything up and build up everything again - again: you can also ask for and get some help (most probably from those whom you pushed away just earlier or from a professional - I do believe in therapy). There's always hope, remember that.

"This is goodbye." - I am really grateful for these three words you said to me, because they set me free for forever from taking that situation again. It also means that I've topped the bill (paraphrasing from the Queen  lyrics of the song The Show Must Go On - "I'll top the bill, I'll overkill..."), there's a new start, what happened before doesn't have an effect on what's happening next. There were mistakes I've made on the way, I'll atone for them, but whatever happens to you from now on that is really not my fault. Just let it rain, let the rain wash away everything that should be washed away.
Yes, I am still hoping for the 'greater good' to come, and I am looking forward to the initiative - every effort will be rewarded and appreciated.