Blessed are the no'-s and rejections

You are reading the blog of someone who got rejected many times. Before I got in the Early Music department of the conservatory in Tilburg, I had got rejected from two other Hungarian Conservatories, and got accepted to one but for financial reasons, the class didn't start (yes, it's a thing in Hungary). Regardless the fact that I'm not an ugly or mean person I have been rejected as woman by men as well, believe it or not. 

Yet, I rejoice and I say: God bless those no's and rejections!

For some reason we consider hearing "no" or rejection as a negative, and it is completely fine to feel that way when we come across them. It is important though that we don't stay in this negative mindset, because it can be more damaging than anyone woul ever think. It's OK to lick your wounds, you need it to recover properly from a bad experience. 

I don't know why, but rejection and being told "no" has always been a motivation for me to work harder to want even more than I initially wanted. If I think about it now, my life is filled with rejection and "no", yet I see them as signs pointing in a different direction or even pointing out what I need to work on more. Sometimes encountering rejection is just indicating that you need to change the method and not the direction. Also people tend to say rather "no" than giving a detailed feedback on what they actually not confortable with - I know, because I'm doing this exact same thing (I know, not really smart of me, but I'm just as much human as anyone else). 

Of course I don't see rejection as a feedback on my deeds at first, I even flip out maybe, but after I get my act together, I reflect on it, take a good look at it, sort out what I did out of miscalculations, or which elements were based on my fears and number of other factors, and then I change my method. The goal is the same.

Singing and music has always been present in my life ever since I was born (even before, I think, for I listened to music and the baptist church's repertory in my mother's womb). I decided quite late to become a singer and before I'd have become an early musician I wanted to be an opera singer - I think, I mentioned this before. In reality, I didn't want anything else, and I don't want anything else even today than sing as much as possible and back then opera seemed the most logical choice, and I was also fond of the genre.

Who knows? If I'd have never got accepted to Tilburg to study early music, I would have become an opera singer and who knows, I could have been able to make it first into smaller and later some bigger roles. However, the stuff that I am doing now is very much different from what I had initially imagined back then when I was 17 years-old. As an opera singer I would depend on an opera company, my agent, my pupils and Lord knows what else. I would be bound to all these and I would probably feel miserable as I have always longed for independence and freedom, to be able to fly freely without wings even. 

What do I have now?

I'm a singer specialized in early repertories (medieval, Renaissance and Baroque), I have different ensembles, and I am coordinating our projects together with my colleagues whom I can also call my friends - true friends who would never let me down (in the opera world your relationship is less likely like that with your colleagues - although there are exceptions, of course). If I don't become a singer the way I did I would be a different person for sure. I am free and independent. I have found balance and I have found my own way, and all that thanks to all the rejections I had to meet and all the "no" I had to hear. 

Sometimes we have an idea about what would be the best for us, but my experience is that things have never turned out the way I expected them to, instead they turned out much better. I even had the chance to experiment with improvising operas in two different ways! How cool is that?

Notre Dame thoughts

I have been planning on writing this entry for a while after seeing all the complaints about the money raised for the restauration of the Notre Dame in Paris.

On Monday evening when I saw the first news about the fire I had a heavy feeling of worries in my chest. I felt that my heart is breaking a little. I'm not Catholic, and I have never been to the cathedral, but somehow the Notre Dame is still an important building for me for many reasons.

The organ
My first thought was immediately: the organ! My Dad is a very good amateur organ player and on Sunday mornings, when I was a kid, we have listened to the organ music they played on the Hungarian Bartók Rádió. Many of these recordings were recorded at the Notre Dame. That instrument is an old, awesome and precious one! I'm not playing the organ, but I respect the instrument itself, along with all the organ players who contributing to its greatness.
Even if you're not a Christian, you should have respect for their hard work! 
And how relieved and happy I was when I heard that the organ remains intact!

The building
The Notre Dame - as many of you know - is a Gothic cathedral with countless paintings, frescos, stained glass windows, statues and architectural achievements.
Even if you're not a Christian, you should respect for the hard work of the builders and the input of the artists!

The music
If you're a Musician, you should know that without the Notre Dame School we wouldn't have polyphonic music, nor Classical nor pop music (fine, it might had just happened at another cathedral's school, but you cannot deny the fact that it was this particular cathedral and the university associated to it that made the whole thing possible and served as a location to it). The Notre Dame style organum, the birth of polyphony and mensural notation is associated with the cathedral. We know that the organum compositions were widely spread throughout Europe from Scotland to Sweden. From the organums' clausulas came the motets and so on and so on. That cathedral had witnessed the first steps of polyphonic music and the beginnings of the development of mensural notation.
As an Early Musician you should be worried when such location is almost being destroyed by the fire.
Even if you're not a Christian and/or Early Musician, you should be relieved that the Notre Dame is not gone.

You know, I was happy when I saw that on the same evening rich people offered huge amounts of money for the restauration. I was happy, because finally they were openly giving out money for something that has an estetic, cultural, musical and spiritual value - on something that stands for the values I can also appreciate. The restauration and the rebuilding of the Notre Dame is everyone's responsibility and there are seriously people who say that that money could be used for better things? Really? Are you really going to tell others what they should donate money for? And how do you know that these companies and rich people doesn't donate on the causes that you're thinking about?

When I saw all these complaints on Social media platforms and in the newspaper, I couldn't believe my own eyes. Az

On a personal note in this personal note: I know, I might be too ambitious, and maybe I'm a dreamer, but I do wish I could sing organum or any other genre related in this gorgeous cathedral once. So please, don't whine upon the donations for its restauration, because you're messing with my dreams.

Aside from that and all in áll: respect and appreciate your ancestors' hard work. If you don't do so, your work will be neglected and unappreciated too at a certain point.