The key to inner peace is...

... forgiveness.

For a long time I thought the key to inner peace is to be satisfied with your accomplished goals and being successful, but I had to realise that these things are rather results of the inner peace, than the inner peace itself.

It was about 3 years ago when I went to Finland for the Sastamala Gregoriana masterclass, and my senses awakened (see this entry for more), and that helped me realise how much negativity and resentment I am holding onto instead of letting go of old grudges. Of course, I was shocked seeing how many emotional loose ends I have. The shock was followed by embarrassment and frustration, and then I really decided to take care of my emotional loose ends. One would think these loose ends cannot cause much problems, but the more you have of them, the more they will block your way of getting over old things. And here I would quote here Carrie Fischer again: "... let's say something happens and from a certain slant, maybe it's tragic and even a little bit shocking. And then time passes and you go to the funny slant and now that very same thing can no longer do you any harm."
If you don't go to the "funny slant" as time goes by, and don't understand and accept that tragic and shocking experiences can no longer do you any harm, you'll get stuck in your past.

But how can you actually go to the funny slant? My mother always says: if you cannot laugh about it, you are not over it yet. Even top secret documents have expiration date, not to mention foodstuff. The only thing that certain and eternal in this World is that everything continuously changes. If you prevent this natural flow, there's no way you could come out of it healthy and unhurt.

Even at singing, if you for example grab on your larynx, you'll get eventually vocal problems after a while. The essence of Life is change, therefore for a healthy career you shouldn't be afraid of this natural flow.

How you take care of loose ends? You apply forgiveness. You forgive everyone that has ever intentionally or unintentionally hurt you - including yourself. There's always two sides of the coin and sometimes you just have to accept that whatever happened, it cannot be helped, just forgive without wanting to hear an apology.

I am still working on my loose ends. How about you?

Lie, lies, lieses, lieseses...Misery

"Oh! how great a Master is the Heart! Confess it, my beloved Singers, and gratefully own, that you would not have arrived at the highest Rank of the Profession if you had not been it's Scholars; own, that in a few Lessons from it, you learned the most beautiful Expressions, the most refin'd Taste, the most noble Action, and the most exquisite Graces: Own (though it be hardly credible) that the Heart corrects the Defects of Nature, since it softens a Voice that's harsh, betters an indifferent one, and perfects a good one: Own, when the Heart sings, you cannot lie, nor has Truth a greater Power of persuading: And, lastly, do you convince the World... that from the Heart alone you have learned that Je ne sçai quoy, that pleasing Charm, that so subtily passes from Vein to Vein, and makes its way to the very Soul." (Pier. Francesco Tosi: Observations on the Florid Song, 1723)

I'm a terrible liar, and I cannot tolerate lies. I don't like when I have to keep my mouth shut when I am supposed to tell the truth, even if I know neither of us in the conversation would be able to face the truth. I hate it also when people lie for me in order to somehow protect me. But the worst of all is when someone refuses to tell the truth just to avoid conflict.

Conflict is considered a bad thing nowadays, and you can guess already that I consider this consideration a proof of how cowards took over in our society. An interpretation of being polite also includes avoiding conflicts, which drags a few lies along, and then those lies bring some other lies with them, and in the end the situation ends up being miserable for everyone - although the act of politeness was supposed to bring peace, it brings only misery and grief to everyone. And on the other hand: how can you consider yourself a nice person if you don't tell the truth? I know, truth can be painful, but not as painful as deceiving or betrayal. How can anyone consider himself a responsible and decent person if he doesn't have the nerve to tell what's going on?

You know, the problem with lies is that there's only a beginning of the rest that comes after that. One single lie fosters and nourish another and another, and there's no way to stop the chain reaction, unless you go back to the first one and you neutralise it with truth. It's like the pest.
Another problem with telling lies in order to avoid conflict (because that's why everyone lies) is that after a certain point, you have no record on what you've said to whom.

How do dishonesty effect singing? Any act of pretending something you're not equals a lie you tell to your audience, fellow musicians, commissioners, and most importantly and sadly: to yourself. You can try to lie to anyone, but if you're lying to yourself, you'll get into problems. And don't worry about the results and success you achieved based on lies, or about being mistreated by lies, "for there is nothing hidden which will not be revealed, nor has anything been kept secret but that it should come to light." (Mark 4, 22)
And after you were caught on lying, you'll have to solve the conflict anyway.

So in order to put yourself in trouble, and to save some time for yourself, be true to yourself as a singer and as a human being. For if you cannot be true to yourself, how could you expect yourself to be true to others and others to be true to you? Sing, act and live from your Heart, the Heart that can correct the Defects of Nature. Be brave, you'll be fine.

Wishful singing - a confession

Hi! I'm Johanna, and I used to be addicted to painkillers.

Yes, you've heard me right. OK, not in extremes, but I was. Although, I cannot really decide if I took painkillers for their effect only, or because of willing to be able to rehearse through 4-6 hours with a sore throat. Or was it because of me willing to get rid of the pain of solitude, the bad feeling about listening to being constantly told I'm not good enough, and the pulsing pain of earlier wounds on my heart and soul? I wouldn't be able to tell anymore. Maybe all of them at the same time. Let's say, my desperation to fulfil all expectations and criteria made me choose for painkillers, but it doesn't make it look better...

Even funnier that regardless the fact that I was a youth-helper in a drug prevention programme back in grammar school, later taking occasionally painkillers developed into a tool for being able to rehearse.

Fortunately, I realised it right on time, and that time was when about 3 or 4 years ago I bought a package of paracetamol (20 pills) on a Tuesday and by Friday the package was empty. I was shocked. I knew myself as someone who's hardly get addicted to anyone and to anything. I knew it's not OK, so instead of taking pills, I switched to natural painkillers (thinking, natural stuff wouldn't do much damage... oh, the irony...) and propolis tincture worked out the best. The only problem with both that they are not advised to use them on long term. So later I had to get rid of using propolis too, which was even worse than paracetamol, because it's not only an antiseptic, but also a natural antibiotics. Now, you have to know that if you take any kind of antibiotics, you also have to do a probiotics cure, because antibiotics doesn't really care what kind of bacteria they kill. Just so you know: you have good bacteria in your digestive system. I think you can puzzle the rest together yourself...
Since the presence of these good bacteria in your digestive system is also responsible for a good immune system and prevents allergic reactions, as a result of my too-long propolis cure, my old egg and milk intolerance came back, and I cannot keep my weight. Sounds splendid, right?

Another thing that made me seriously wonder about this happened to me last week when in the middle of our rehearsal with Scherzi Musici I felt I am getting a sore throat (and my immediate reaction was to look for painkiller - what a bad old habit). After the rehearsal I had headache and felt exhausted. I knew these are the signs of getting sick, so I excused myself from the rehearsal in the evening with my church choir, got some stuff against flu (paracetamol, Vitamine C) from the drugstore and went to bed early, and stayed there for 3 days.  Until last week I only took paracetamol or any kind of painkiller if my period got really bad (I have a special pill for that prescribed by my gynaecologist) , but for other kind of pain I decided to rather deal with it somehow without any medicine, so let's say I was clean. As I was using these medicines I felt that my senses are numb and I cannot concentrate (it was also probably because of the light flu or cold).
I couldn't help but wonder: did paracetamol had this exact same effect back then? I mean, it would make sense, because during the 6 years of conservatory, as I look back now, certain periods are rather blurred together. OK, it was also a very intense period of my life, but still.

How did I quit my (light) addiction? The slight presence of a certain person helped me realise and quit. This certain person didn't know about my addiction, neither did anything directly to help, but that slight presence was a great help to overcome, and for that I will be grateful forever. I just realized much later that this person was also just a substitute for a painkiller, so I had to recover from that addiction as well. I feel myself lucky and I am grateful for being able to do so.

Got lightly hit by a car... but it's gone now

It happened about a month ago, and I think it's a story I will tell until I die, because it's the best thing ever happened to me. But let me tell you a little bit of background story to it first.

Back when I was a kid and still needed high chair to reach the table when we were eating - like everyone had one as a kid, so did I. I had this really bad habit of swinging with the high chair from each side to another and because I could balance myself pretty good (most of the times) I almost never fell. Yeah... almost... I fell once with the high chair on my right shoulder. I was (of course) crying, and it most definitely hurt (I can only remember as I was falling, no more than that), but my mother thought it's not necessary to go to see a doctor, because I could still move my arm. Basically there wasn't any visible injury. But as I was growing it came out that probably because of falling on my right shoulder, it dislocated a little bit. For a long-long time after this my right shoulder was always a bit higher than my left. Also it wasn't that much uncomfortable as one would think, though later when few years ago my body awakened and I've got overly sensitive about everything that happens in my body I could sense a certain constant pulling in my muscles on the right side of my body.

The weekend before my tiny bike-accident I had that certain moment I mentioned in The Letting go (Part 2), so when I've got through that, I already felt like I had got my life back along with the peace I could finally find. The Wednesday after this certain moment I've popped by a shop or two after I was done with working, and I also took a look at a sale in a shop. I tried on a beautiful pink satin one-shoulder dress, and the lady in the shop asked me whether I like it or not. I didn't like it, I loved it! Found my Nymph-outfit No. 2, so after hesitating a little the following sentence left my lips: "You live only once!" - and I bought the dress.

Few minutes after I was biking home and I was deep in my thoughts busy with creating possibilities to wear my new Nymph-outfit and to tell my ensemble-buddy, Karel Barten, what a treasure I've found for the next concert we'll perform our Dialogue between a Nymph and a Shepherd by John Jenkins. I was so deep in my thoughts I (somehow) couldn't see or sense that two cars were coming from the right, from the street that crosses the street where I live in Tilburg. I saw the first car, a yellow car, but I couldn't see the red car coming after the yellow one (it could have been also in the blind-spot of my eye-sight). I was also late with grabbing the breaks, and because the air was rather humid on that day, my breaks didn't work as well, as they should had to. Even though I tried to change direction with my bike, the red car still got the front wheel a little and I was falling on the car on my right arm (not on the front of the car, but on its middle), and then of course I fell on the ground. The guy who was sitting in the red car stopped immediately and I have to say that he seemed more shocked than I was - to be honest, I really had to hold back my giggles caused by the unexpected adrenalin-rush. He was also kind of cute, and seeing how worried he was about my well-being (he even parked his car to the side of the street and stayed for another 5 minutes to make sure I'm fine), although the whole little accident was my fault, later a whole series a funny scenarios came into my mind. For example a stupid accident like this could be also a scene from a romantic-comedy movie when the guy and the girl meets. And then the girl still has to go to a hospital, and guess what? The guy who lightly hit her with his car is the doctor who fixes up the girl's arm.

Anyway, I could still move my arm, hand and fingers, so it was clear that I didn't break any of them. Of course later, when the adrenalin-rush was already over, I felt that my right arm cannot be bent, but it was only because of a muscle injury. The adrenalin-rush was still flowing through my body and I couldn't stop giggling when I felt that my right shoulder feels a little bit different. Just to check I looked in the mirror and it was indeed lower than it used to be. Also before the accident I could bring my right arm without any problem far behind my back but after the accident it didn't go further than my left arm could go behind my back. My giggles turned into laughter as I realised what happened to me just seconds ago: my dislocated right shoulder got fixed in the accident.

Ladies and gentlemen, there you go: a true story about how you can come out better than before from a seemingly shocking and tragic accident or experience. Also I felt my life was saved again, and my words at the shop also got confirmed: "you live only once!" - and you better not forget about that. I shouldn't think that I am invincible; on the contrary: I am vulnerable, sensitive and (hell, yes, indeed) I live only once, so I better take care of myself.

Systems... Systems everywhere!

Anyone, who has been reading my blog so far know I dislike every single system: in an earlier entry of mine I ripped on the Prussian education system and blamed it for many wrong deeds, along with literally all marketing systems. And now comes the plot twist: believe it or not, I am not against of systems in general - on paper.

The good thing about systems that they help you getting yourself organized. When you raise your child, you need to build up a daily rhythm (also a system) for them, or they will create their own, and there's no chance you'll be happy with that. Systems surround us, they are part of our every day life. Without them our world would become chaotic.

Now, after establishing the advantage of a system, let's see how can it go absolutely wrong. Any system can become a nightmare when instead of using the system, you abuse the system, let the system use you, or even abuse you - also, you shouldn't abuse the system. Because what is a system anyway? A system is a compilation of do's and don'ts that helps keep everything in order. There you go, a simple definition. Every religion is basically a system aiming for a pretty good life (see the Ten Commandments). Even a recipe in a cook book is a system: for example if you are baking an apple pie, but you put minced meat in it instead of apples, but you keep the rest of the prescribed ingredients (cinnamon, sugar, etc.), your apple pie will be a mess.
Also, theoretically and in the hypothetical sense, without people involved, every system works perfectly. Democracy, bureaucracy, communism - all of these systems work perfectly on paper. But when people starting to abuse the system, it becomes a nightmare for many. There is this old joke about what's the difference between the existing communism and working communism? The existing communism doesn't work, while the working communism doesn't exist. And the problem is not in the structure or in the content of the system, but in our attitude towards the system.

You cannot let a system rule your life, because any system is just a tool in your hand. If the system doesn't really work out for you, you shouldn't choose another system. You should rather change your attitude and find a way to use the system for your own benefit. Bending the rules without breaking them - that's definitely an art.

That's what pioneers do: they are looking for ways to use the system for their own benefit. And after they find it, the system will advance by their success to another level, where the ones whom are too afraid to make change will have a better life. You cannot make change by bringing in an entire new system, you have to make the current one advance to a higher level, build up something on the old and keeping the traditions that still make sense.

So before you'd shout: I want to be a pioneer! Keep in mind, not to give another system to others, but advance in the current one. Is it difficult? Yes, it is. Does it worth the effort? Hell, yes, it does!

The letting go (Part 2)

I've just read again an earlier entry of mine from this blog, and I've realised that the weather is just the same as about a year ago. It rains a lot and a few weeks ago I could finally let go of something really painful. It was a fear of getting back into a certain situation I had accepted to take for the 'greater good', but it turned out it was only me who hoped for that 'greater good' to come. I could finally make peace with myself, for I have done my best and everything to make that visible and noticed. I'm not saying that I am not hoping still for that 'greater good' to come, but initiating it is not my task anymore. To be honest, I was far from being happy with the situation I was pushed into, and I am glad I don't have to go back in the exact same situation ever again. Well, for the 'greater good' you mustn't be afraid of making certain sacrifices. These sacrifices should always mean giving up yourself a little without hurting or blaming others around you for doing so. 

But back to that earlier entry I've mentioned above. It is funny, how you can learn from your past-self over and over again. It just proves that whenever you get lost and the waves are above your head, remember that the solution always lies within you and only you. Nobody is ever at fault for your problems (in your life, relationships, career, etc.), but you and only you, and for that you'll need to forgive yourself and others for certain things. The origin of true Forgiveness is Love (and this is also the origin of Trust). Love, Trust and Forgiveness are walking hand in hand all the time, and neither of them can exist without the rest. If there's no Love, there's no Forgiveness neither Trust. If there's no Trust, there's no Love neither Forgiveness. And obviously if there's no Forgiveness, there's no Love neither Trust. Holding a grudge against someone will only make your emotional package heavier.

Blaming others (I think I've said this already) for anything that doesn't work in your life is only a projection of your own problems on someone you came across. Blaming others is easy - facing that fact that you were wrong or you've made a bad decision or that you are not perfect is the most confronting thing ever. The solution is of course NOT that you clear out the people you blame from your life, because you cannot do this - accept it. The funny thing is: the more you try to remove them, the more they will remain in your life and thoughts, because a removal like this is always painful for both. The solution (in most cases) is that you have to start cleaning up the mess you've been making so far on your own. Of course you can ask help (a professional's or friends' help) and you should do so, but in the end noone else will clean up your mess for you, and if you keep on running away from cleaning up the mess, you will loose everything that has ever been dear to you one by one. You'll only realize this happening to you when the last one is about to leave your side. The same problems will find you over and over again, unless you finally get your sh*t together.

The grace in all this is that even if that last one left your side, even if you seemingly lost everything that has ever been dear to you, you can still clean everything up and build up everything again - again: you can also ask for and get some help (most probably from those whom you pushed away just earlier or from a professional - I do believe in therapy). There's always hope, remember that.

"This is goodbye." - I am really grateful for these three words you said to me, because they set me free for forever from taking that situation again. It also means that I've topped the bill (paraphrasing from the Queen  lyrics of the song The Show Must Go On - "I'll top the bill, I'll overkill..."), there's a new start, what happened before doesn't have an effect on what's happening next. There were mistakes I've made on the way, I'll atone for them, but whatever happens to you from now on that is really not my fault. Just let it rain, let the rain wash away everything that should be washed away.
Yes, I am still hoping for the 'greater good' to come, and I am looking forward to the initiative - every effort will be rewarded and appreciated.

Experiencing new fields in technology

My, oh my, it was such a long time ago I've posted anything here. Actually I didn't have much to talk about so to avoid the mistake of the "speaking"-type of people, who speak and share their thoughts just to entertain themselves by their own voice, I decided to remain silent for a while, until I'll have something to talk about.

Right now (just like the title says) I am experimenting with new fields of technology. A little while ago a dream of mine has come true: I could finally buy a Blackberry smartphone. Normally I am not a "smartphone-loving" type of person, but Blackberry devices (because of their physical keyboard) have always amazed me. Also, I don't really like it when a machine is smarter than I can ever be - I find it kind of intimidating, but whatever, everyone can have their own bugs.
By experimenting and experiencing this, I have downloaded the Blogger app (I am writing this entry in the app), and if it works out, I will be able to post shorter and longer posts a little bit more often than before.

I have to admit, that this little beast makes my life a lot easier and helps me to keep myself more organised. I was already well-organised, but the task-manager app helps me to keep certain things is mind and whenever I'm done with a task within a project I happen to organize, I feel a certain kind of satisfaction and it also gives me the feeling that there might be light in the end of the dark tunnel. I think everyone is familiar with thoughts like this.

By taking this step toward modernisation I have learned that something that seemed to be a bit scary before can also have its advantages. Nevertheless I am careful not to become too much dependent from it, so I still keep my agenda on paper as well, so if the battery dies, I still know what to do next.