Letting go

Maybe it's the rain we've been having recently
Something about the rain keeps reminding me
But these days I'm sure you would be surprised
I'm a different person you'd hardly recognise
And there's the reasons why I know
But nobody tells you but the letting go.

(Joe Cocker: The letting go)

It is raining now for a while here in the Netherlands. Well, if you live here, sometimes you have the very feeling it is raining all the time, but I'm not complaining, the weather was quite nice in the past year, it was warm spiced up with a lot of sunshine. But to tell the truth, I actually like rain very much. Not the part where I am getting all the way wet to my bones while riding my bike in the rain to the restaurant where I work, or on the way back, but the rain itself. I like to take an umbrella and some waterproof footware and just walk in the rain and enjoy the scent of it. I like the way how it washes away everything and when it stops raining, and the sky clears up you value the sunshine even more. 

No, there's no misunderstanding, I am writing about letting go. There are many things I would like to let go recently: old habits, fears, doubts, painful memories (because during the great and fun time I had in the past years, I had collected some painful ones as well), etc. In a way, I agree with Carrie Fisher saying in the beginning of her HBO stage show Wishful drinking (which I recommend everyone to watch, because it's hilarious): "I have to start by telling you that my entire lifecould be summed up in one phrase, and that is: if my life wasn't funny, it would just be true, and that is completely unacceptable. Now... what that means is (other than what it sounds like): let's say something happens and from a certain slant, maybe it's tragic and even a little bit shocking. And then time passes and you go to the funny slant and now that very same thing can no longer do you any harm. So, what we're really talking about then is location, location, location"

True. Sometimes I am indulging myself in the past, though I know very well that the past is a nice place to visit but never a pleasant place to stay. Recently I am finding myself wondering about things I could have done better in the past and what I could do in the future in a different way, but the only conclusion I get to is that I need change and I need to let go everything: the past, the fears, the doubts, the pain, and everything else that holds me back.

I remember the last time I had enough of being inable to move anywhere. I felt I was stuck and I had the feeling I cannot breath anymore, and these feelings were painfully familiar. At that time I had no idea how to move out from that hesitating state, being afraid of anything that came into my way. That was the time when I had my ever first portfolio shoot and there I could let go (well, I was half naked), and I could do it for three reasons:

1. I wanted to show my instrument in a way that nobody would expect me to do so. After all, you don't put clothes on a piano, or on a violin or on a cello - that would look sooo silly...
2. By the end of the training I've got during the 6 years of Conservatory I felt myself denuded from many of my old habits.
3. I had soooo much fun :)))

 I will never forget when I let go my yearning for freedom, because the moment I surrendered and made friends with the idea of captivity, freedom fell onto my lap and things suddenly began to move, and I didn't care anymore just went with the flow of events. I didn't even have time to realize what I was doing I was just doing it, because that was the easiest thing to do. As a matter of fact I don't like to think too much forward (though I have many longterm plans), I rather prefer to just do my thing. The less you think, the happier you are afterwards.

Letting go is the hardest thing I've ever encountered, because it holds the possibility of radical change and loosing something that we think it is useful for us. Letting go chases us out into the wilderness of the soul where God knows what awaits for us (for some reason the first that would pop one's mind is something dangerous, or even lethal - isn't it interesting?). I am still learning the art of letting go. So far the most succesfull "letting go"-events were when I could forget about the possible consequences in a way that not even the term would have popped up in my mind. Of course there were a whole series of events that put me into that state of mind.

I am looking for that state of mind now: in the rain, hoping it would wash away everything while waiting for the vital ray of sunshine on my skin and on the path I am following. So I let it rain, I let it go...

Cry all your heart out! You pee less...

Yes, you've heard me right: cry all your heart out! you pee less...

Crying, tears, sobbing and such are associated nowadays with something tragic, sad or even horrible. If you would ask anyone on the street where do you have the greatest chance see crying people, one of the first answers will be "at funerals". If you would ask me, the first three locations I'd name would be the following: singing lessons, the solitude of a practise room, and during conversations on the phone.

But why do we cry? Why do the salty water comes out of our eyes when the emotions we feel are so overwhelming that we cannot help but cry, cry, cry and cry? Frankly, I have no idea, I’m just doing it, and... Oh, wait... you haven’t had such an overwhelming rush of emotions before that you couldn’t help but cry, cry, cry and cry? OK, really, wait a minute, I think this needs some explanation before you’d think I am seriously depressed and that I should go and consult with a Viennese specialist about my mental condition (and that conversation would end up him trying to convince me about the non-existent problem I have with my mother...).

So,just to be clear: in my opinion crying is the most natural way of dealing with stress and a natural sign of the melting emotional blockage. In an earlier entry of mine I've already mentioned F. M. Alexander, saying: "You translate everything - whether physical, mental, or spiritual into muscular tension.". Every single muscular tension caused by some emotional impulse that you cannot release stays in your body in different ways, and they become hard as rocks as time passes by. Now, this wouldn't be much of a problem, if these "rocks" wouldn't cause further problems when it comes to singing. I am saying this, because even the smallest "rock" on your diaphragma can cause malfunction and can prevent you to make connection with you own instrument. When these rocks are melting away, one of the most common signs the thaw is warm, salty water pouring from your eyes, or in other words: crying. The intensity of this can be as diverse as you can imagine. In my case it comes with serious mood-swings, severe pain and deep anguish (I think I partly re-live emotionally the contents of these "rocks").

In the very beginning when these mood-swings and intense crying occured, I seriously thought that I have a serious case of depression. I still remember me sitting at the table with my plate of food and my tears were falling in my food, and I had really no idea why I was even crying. The next time it happened in the middle of practise, and by the time I could calm down and continued practising I felt that everything opened up and they remained open. After this I've asked Heent Prins about me crying a lot, and stuff like that and she said: "It's normal. It's just a sign that the problems (one by one) are solved."

And as she told me this suddenly I remembered one of my first Alexander Technique lessons. I had to imagine something I wanted really badly and also imagining it not taking that by force but by imagining it being rewarded with it and take it gently as something that I deserve (and as something that wants to belong to me). The moment I was able to imagine this I started to cry and couldn't stop the tears for several minutes.

Like this I had 3 confirmations of the fact that crying is good and nothing is wrong with the state of my mind and after that I was sure I won't need a Viennese specialist - ever. The only unpleasant feature of this kind of development and problem-solving is that it can happen anytime and anywhere, and the people around you just freak out and they think something bad happened to you, or your are sad. I think, even if you tell them nothing is wrong and everything is perfect, because of the unstoppable flow of tears nobody will ever believe you (maybe if you explain them hundred times and more, they might grasp a little bit of it, but not more). There was a few weeks when I did not want to meet certain people and I was happy not seeing them, because I would have been so happy about seeing them that I would just instantly have started to cry and I couldn't have been able to explain them properly the whole situation (actually it really does sound like an excuse when you state "everything will be all right" with tears in your eyes, so you cannot even blame them...). But now regardless this fear of mine, I don't care about their doubts, I am sure this works for me, and I am sure it works for everyone else as well.

So just go on, cry all your heart out! You pee less...

In memoriam Joe Cocker (1944-2014)

Rest in peace, Mr Joe Cocker. Your songs were the first ones I was listening to when I was a kid. Everyone else at my age was listening to some music for kids, but I've listened to your songs; my parents bought your Best of collection in 1993, and they had already Night calls (1990). I didn't even know what you are singing in songs like Unchain my heart and You can leave your hat on, but I was shoutingly singing along with you.

You are great inspiration for me, and a proof that you don't have to produce a pretty sound to mesmerize your audience. You always stayed with the lyrics and kept on speaking through your entire performance. It's a pity I won't ever be able to listen live anymore.

The world has lost a warm hearted, special and excellent artist. Now I understand somehow what you're singing about in Hymn for my soul, therefore let me salute to you with this song of yours: