Priorities

There's something I learned a few years ago, like five or six years ago: set your priorities.

But what are these priorites? How can you decide what's the most important for you at the moment you set them? This morning I've found the ever first interview I gave in my life from 2014, the year when I graduated from my MA studies. At that time artistic development was all I cared for and I was sure that the rest will come by itself. I wanted to develop artistically by growing as a person, figuring out who I really am - just like every young adult does in their 20s.

I remember back then I wanted to make it as a performing artist, a singer, I wanted to be a bright hot star, but not for myself but for others to recongnize my talent, and maybe I wanted badly to grab someone's attention - like it would mattered if that person recognizes my talent. Today I know that my talent is just one little detail of the person who I am. I don't need anyone's recognition anymore. I am fully capable woman, standing on my own, just like I've always been. Ever since I don't care about success, fame, wealth or being able to make a living out of singing and music, I am free. Not caring about these earthly treasures liberated me completely, and now I have time for more valuable priorities, such as family, friends, my garden and above all these: myself.

I look back of my reckless 20s with nostalgy and with a little laughter. It's not that I don't want to face beautiful musical challanges anymore, but I changed my mentality about it. I try to choose my battles and challanges carefully in such way that I am aware that I am the one who takes care of the firm emotional background, I am the one who takes care of Johanna Földesi, and not someone else. I'm almost sure that even if I would be in a relationship, I would still be the only one who would be responsible for this task and I would only have a tiny support and space given to be able to do so. Actually I was a little kid when I had the very strong feeling that I would have to learn to be able to be alone and to be a good companion for my very self. This childhood memories follows me on my path every day, and sometimes life just gets overwhelming and too much - at times like this I just stop, take a good look at myself and I decide whether I could use some help or not.
It doesn't sound too flattering, right? Don't worry, it's not as bad as it might sound like.

But back to priorities! Here are some top priorities of the 33 years old Johanna Földesi.

Quality above quantitiy
I remember when I was in my 20s I could do a thousand stuff in a day and now I am happy if from the 6 tasks I planned for a day I can do the half of it, but then I do them right. It gives me now more satisfaction than the amount of tasks I complete per day.

Reputation
You know, as you age, it's all about dignity. There are certain things I would do at the age of 33 years, what I would have definitly had done when I was 23. Fame and wealth can shine so bright that you don't see the dirt and the wrong under it. You're blinded by their illusion.
Once you get to a certain age, and you don't have to be 50+ to be an example for the younger generation, to become an influence for a youngster. I believe that as an artist you're responsible for those who look up to you and your work and your morals should show that. So stop messing around and grow up! Act like an adult person, even if it seems hard. You can be a kid again when you perform, but accepting adulthood will only help you to develop further as a human being.

Family and friends
Not blindfoldedly and not putting them before yourself, but they are top priority. And sometimes you have friends who make up for some family members - no offense, really. Of course, in the end you're the one that's responsible for yourself, but you also need some support from your family and friends, and sometimes you have to be their support. Whatever happens, just do your best to be there for them: check on them, ask them how they are doing and ask it in such way that you're truly interested in their answer - you know what I'm talking about!

Be lazy sometimes
I have a very dear old friend in Vienna. This friend of mine a bit older than 80, but just as fresh as any young adult. Every once in a while I go and visit her in Vienna and then we talk about what has happened to us since we saw each other for the last time. Even though I spin around much less than I used to, I still do a lot of things and most of the times these "lot of things" happen in paralel with eachother. So there was me telling my friend how many things I am involved with, what amazing projects, and my job, and so on, to which she just told me: but are you also lazy sometimes? I just laughed and said that yes, every once in a while I just do nothing - although at that time I wasn't living up to it that much as I do now.
What I want to say is that you should be lazy sometimes. Just do nothing and enjoy it. And when I say "nothing" I mean literally nothing. Before I fully embraced the dolce far niente (= pleasant idleness) I seriously started to wonder about why am I so busy all the time? Am I busy because I'm really busy and things must get done, or because I think they must get done. Huge difference. Also, are these things coming from my side or is it something that necessary for the everyday life? I came to the conclusion that there are very few obligations in our lives that really are obligations, therefore I decided to be more relaxed about it, and one of the consequences of this decision was that my body let go of a lot of tension and I changed as a singer.
My way of thinking also have changed. For example if someone tells me that I should go to an audition of a talent show, because I'm told that I'm talented and it looks good on my CV and it would get me good connections, doesn't mean that I really should do that. It's rather that I have the freedom to choose to do the audition and even if I choose not to do it, I'm still the same talented singer I've always been.

Settle down
There comes a moment in life when you get more mature and you are not as bouncy-bouncy as you were when you were much younger. There comes a time in your life when you just want to have something to rely on and you just want to have a quite life with working in your garden, taking long walks in a forest and enjoying a glass of wine and cooking together with a good friend on a Friday evening. You start to feel that you need a safe harbour where you can return to for recovery and rejuvination.


It's funny how priorities change in just 5-6 years time. Of course, not everyone's priorities change this early as mine did, and that's also perfectly fine. I think, standing alone throughout my entire life anticipated this change. I had more time to figure things out for myself. I wouldn't call myself wise, I'm improvising through my entire life and there are just a few things I'm sure about, and those are my priorities. And the best thing about it, that your priorities will change as your life changes. Or at least that's how I survive, I believe...

Read, research, discover!

I'm a singer specialized in early music and as being one during my preparation for a concert  (regardless it's a programme that I put together or someone else) I'd do my research on the pieces I am supposed to sing. Looking up the origin of every single thing I have ever been busy with is probably a result of my insatiable curiousity, and it just got "worse" as I've got more and more involved with medieval and renaissance repertories.

Doing research became also a necessity, but also something I've always enjoyed to do. I think I've mentioned this before, but I decided to become a singer in the last year of grammar school (it is quite late to make such a decision, according to current standards - NB: it's a stupid standard), because I was tired of library hours and I needed challange. I didn't want to spend my entire adult life in a library. Little I had known back then that I'd be involved with early repertories which will demand a certain amount of library hours. I wasn't planning to become an early music singer I've just gradually become one. I still remember how I hated and cursed square notation and Gregorian chant at my first encounter with them during my studies and now I wouldn't be able to imagine my life without Gregorian chant, square notation and neumes! It was a true metamorphosis from being an old school Classical Musician-Singer into a brand new Early Musician-Singer. I had finally the tools to search back the origin of all those Renaissance motets I had ever sung with chamber and church choirs. I finally understood that Ave vera virginitas is just a little part of Josquin's Ave Maria motet. And I understood at last, why would historians would state that Johann Sebastian Bach was a revolutionaire composer for applying the old techniques with his newly developed ones. My growing knowledge on early repertories helped me to become a better and updated Classical Musician. The more I had to perform from early notation the better my sight-reading skills become.

I've seen classmates at conservatory who were completely clueless when they were pushed into doing research. They found it somehow a waste of time, and not as an opportunity to become better performers. The thing is that research will help you understand the pieces you're performing. Either you acknowledge this or not, sitting in your practice room won't ever make you a better performer, it will just make your technique better and not your performing skills. Imagine you have a really abstract piece on your programme: if you just playing the notes without understanding the piece itself, it doesn't matter how flawless your performance is, your audience will be bored and they won't understand the piece. Easy or abstract, any piece needs to be understood and only becoming as good as anyone else won't make you a better performer. Communicating the message behind - a message you decoded from the piece - will excite your audience. Technique will never excite or elevate them on the long term.

Therefore: read, research and discover! You think you've seen it all? Do you think you know everything? You couldn't be more wrong...

Enjoy the silence

This is something you shouldn't ever tell to a singer or a musician: enjoy the silence. Enjoy that you don't have concerts for a while, so you have time to rest and rejuvinate yourself.

2018 was the year of silence. It passed by rather concertless, but it doesn't mean that nothing happened to me. I have moved from one address to another within Tilburg. The street where I live now is named after an opera composer, and I did not know about getting on the list for this apartment and I was singing one of the arias by him all the time. So I started to build a nest for my very own. My nest is on the ground floor, so I even have a little garden where I planted strawberries, raspberries, irises, freesias and other flowers. This year I am planning to grow some vegetables as well. At the moment my garden is filled with crocuses

It took some time until I got used to this silent year, but a really dear friend of mine told me that I shouldn't be worried about it, because sometimes you need time to process everything that has happened to you after a certain amount of time. And I have to admit that from January 2017 until the end of February 2018, it was really a busy period and I didn't really have the time meanwhile to process everything that had happened to me: kicking off NoWoC and the tour to Estonia, finishing and performing the Mesekantáta (Fairy Tale Cantate) with Bartók Rózsái Énekegyüttes, or conducting and also singing a long-wished-for solo at the Choir and Conducting Course in Békéscsaba. These all happened in one year, and I haven't mentioned the small things yet. Or there was the trip to San Vigilio di Marebbe for the Libero Canto Conference, where I made and met friends. Amazing trips, meeting amazing people, moving to a new address, building a nest. That's a lot to process!

Not only this, but I have the feeling that 2019 won't be boring at all! On the contary. The silence of 2018 was only the silence before the storm, I do believe that I had to get my rest, before this awaiting busy period of my life.

I will keep you updated, don't worry. No spoilers this time ;)

If you ever encounter a longer silent period, don't be afraid. Something huge is coming up, for which you'll need to take a good rest, so you'll be able to do all those amazing and exciting things that awaits you.

Listen! (Part 2)

It was quite a long time ago since I've posted an update to my blog, but since I've finally had time to give a new look to my website, I thought it is about time to share some thoughts on my blog as well.

As I have already mentioned in my previous post I would like to drive your attention to the ears and on the fact how important it is to listen, especially when you are a singer. If you need a quick recap, you can find the previous entry here.

It is almost obvious that in order to have decent communication with eachother in any circumstances, we need to listen to eachother very carefully. Listening with care requires more concentration in the beginning, but you can train yourself to be more precise when it comes to listen to someone else. When it comes to music and especially intonation problems, you can easily solve your intonation problems by giving more attention to the note that you're singing and listening. At conservatories and music schools, students (mostly singers) get the critique that their intonation may not be perfect. Now, it is important to know that as a singer you have mainly three possible reasons to get this comment:

1. You push instead of using the natural support
2. You don't listen carefully enough
3. Both of them from above at the same time

One would think that a musician or a singer has perfect ears (not perfect pitch!) and we don't have any problems with listening. Actually, in most cases it's not true. Many of taking listening for granted and we don't train our ears and the brain funtion, called "listening" carefully enough, that's why careless listening results slight or big intonation problems. Here I wouldn't mention different tunings since it's not relevant yet.

Those who don't have natural affinity towards music and considered not having musical ears, are actually people who don't use their relevant brain function to listening. They listen in a superficial way. I have had singing pupils who had difficulties to sing back a note played on the piano, but could perfectly sing back the same note when I was singing it for them. It is not only the fact that it is easier to resonate together with another human being, than with a musical instrument, but it is also a proof that people not having musical ears can train themselves to a certain level to be able to do so. They probably won't reach the quality of a professional solo instrumentalist or singer, but they can become pretty good ensemble players. 

Listening is also a question of sensitivity. Artists in general are different from people whom are not involved in the arts, because they sense and experience the world around them in a different way. When musicians and singers hear a note, their brain literally translates it to a musical note and they are able to sing or hum it back, but when a non-musician hears a note, it is just a note, so he/she will hum back some note and not exactly the same. Why? For their senses it doesn't really matter what note it is, for us, musicians it does, especially when we make music together or improvise.

Unfortunately, improvisation went out of fashion in the 20th-century among classical musicians and singers (fortunately, improvistation is an essential element of jazz), but it is slowly coming back to practice. In the 19th-century it was a common thing to improvise on concerts and it belonged to any musical training. I wish someday a classical music education model would rise and spread all over the world, that includes lots of improvisation and ear-training...

Listen! (Part 1)

I would like to dedicate a few entries to the ears. Ever since I've been busy with digging myself into Lajos Szamosi's Path to Free Singing, I am more and more interested in this curious body part, the ears and especially the process of listening. As a musician and as a singer of course you listen differently and you listen more carefully than anyone else. Before I've got to know the Szamosi Approach I was convinced that there are people who have ears for music and there are those who just simply don't have any musical hearing. There is a difference, of course, but there is nothing to do with the body part itself, it has rather a lot to do with how we use our ears, and what we are used to. Moreover, the ability of listening and our ears can be trained, although you have to be aware that the thin line that seperates professionals from amateurs, in the aspect of listening(!!), is actually very much based on your sensbility, if you dare to feel. We are not the same, not in body and certainly not in personality, and each of us have our own farthest limitations, but whether someone becomes a professional musician and/or singer or not, in the end the success will always depend on one's sensibility, sensitivity and body awareness (this last one can be learned and/or natural).

There are different perspectives of listening, and I would never confuse listening with hearing. Hearing is a passive, while listening is active and supposes that the one who listens also pays attention - hearing not necessarily comes with attention paid. 

I think almost all of us know this quote from The Little Prince by Antoine de Saint-Exupery (see above), but I'm pretty sure there are just the few among us who actually able to see with their hearts. Actually most of us doesn't even know or can tell how you can see with your heart. Of course, everyone has their interpretation on it, so let me give you mine.

In my opinion, listening is acceptance. It requires an open mind, an open attitude. If someone is truly listening to the other, their heart is open, just as their mind and accepting all the information (emotional, practical, theoretical, etc) that's been said. If listening is acceptance, than it also brings you to let go of the will to control the current situation, and that can be pretty scary. Most of the self-protecting stances begin with cutting the channels to truly listen and the flow of information coming to us. 

Listening is not only essential for musicians and singers, it is very important to every human being. Relationships (any kind of a relationships) are going wrong whenever people stop listening to eachother. You stop listening, because in the process somewhere you got hurt and in order to avoid more wounds and pain, you close yourself - for the sake of survival, purely by instict. And this is where your insticts can bring you to make a wrong decision and instead of releasing the tension, more tension is created. Such a pity. I'm not saying you have to accept everything you listen to. Eventually you'll make a selection (based on different factors) and you'll keep only the most useful information.

When you are seeing with your heart, you listen. You accept what you hear and you pay attention. Without listening, you can only see the surface and that surface is already within the reach of the Eyes. 

As for me, I'm not interested in the surface, I would like to see and feel the depths, the real beauty of existence. The surface will never satisfy me...

An update and random thoughts

Well, long time no see... I haven't been updating my blog for a while and after being asked recently if I'm planning to continue, here you go. Athough I cannot really promise one guiding thought in this entry.

I would like to begin this entry by giving you a little update about what I was doing in the past months. I think I published my last entry sometime around end of March, and ever since I have several things behind my back. Now, as I look back I have a kind of busy period behind me and now that I don't really have any concert booked to give until next year, I am kind of happy. I can use these months (practically from 2nd week of September until the end of the year) for prepare next year's activities with Scherzi Musici and Bartók Rózsái Énekegyüttes, and begin to prepare some more interesting and challenging stuff (don't worry, I'll keep you posted about these new stuff).

Scherzi Musici got the chance to give two fringe concerts at the Utrecht Early Music Festival and we could perform our ars nova programme, Petrarch, a Medieval Poet, and a week after also a long planned and preparred cooperation with Duo Suoni was presented at the season's opening concert of Lidwina in concert  in Best, which was an evening with Italian Early Baroque compositions. Before all these in August we had a fruitful rehearsal and preparation period with Bartók Rózsái Énekegyüttes in Hungary, and we managed to record all the material for a video trailer of our programme - the trailer still needs to be finished, but once it's ready I will post it anywhere I can. Earlier this year we also had a photo shoot, we have programme description ready, so you can say that the portfolio of Bartók Rózsái Énekegyüttes is almost ready.

And recently I've started taking an improv course in Amsterdam at easylaughs, which has seemingly nothing to do with singing, but it does with performing and letting go of control. I have met wonderful people in the past months and I don't think you'll see many similarly emotional posts, like last 4 or 5 entries of this blog, because aside from these music and performing based developments I also took the time to recover and take a closer look at my contant weight-loss. Now that my weight is stabilized along with my thoughts I feel myself strong enough to get on my two beautiful feet and legs and just walk towards my goals.

My goals to be able to let go as much as possible of the control of my intellect, to develop my voice, broaden my repertory, deepen my current knowledge in singing and in music. And just enjoy life while being morally absolutely correct and unquestionable. Because it doesn't matter what the media and everyone else telling you: morals do matter. I won't give any explanation on that, because it is not necessary. Did you do anything in the past that you still regret? Take care of it/them as soon as possible, so you can leave the weary feeling of regret. Take the responsibility for your deeds in the past and vow that you'd never act the same way as you used to if those deeds give you the feeling of regret. Apologize, if you need it and don't hold on to resentment - regardless a few things in life, the choice is always yours: remember, you have the possibility to choose for the good.

At the yoga studio where I go 2 or 3 times a week at least, there are few packs of inspirational and insight cards. Not like I would ever give credit to those, but I liked this one: "Old ways won't open new doors". If I think about it now, I think I've always known this, but reading it on a piece of paper of hearing it aloud reminds me to the truth behind this simple phrase.

And now I am just happy to be alive and  to have no regrets...

The key to inner peace is...

... forgiveness.

For a long time I thought the key to inner peace is to be satisfied with your accomplished goals and being successful, but I had to realise that these things are rather results of the inner peace, than the inner peace itself.

It was about 3 years ago when I went to Finland for the Sastamala Gregoriana masterclass, and my senses awakened (see this entry for more), and that helped me realise how much negativity and resentment I am holding onto instead of letting go of old grudges. Of course, I was shocked seeing how many emotional loose ends I have. The shock was followed by embarrassment and frustration, and then I really decided to take care of my emotional loose ends. One would think these loose ends cannot cause much problems, but the more you have of them, the more they will block your way of getting over old things. And here I would quote here Carrie Fischer again: "... let's say something happens and from a certain slant, maybe it's tragic and even a little bit shocking. And then time passes and you go to the funny slant and now that very same thing can no longer do you any harm."
If you don't go to the "funny slant" as time goes by, and don't understand and accept that tragic and shocking experiences can no longer do you any harm, you'll get stuck in your past.

But how can you actually go to the funny slant? My mother always says: if you cannot laugh about it, you are not over it yet. Even top secret documents have expiration date, not to mention foodstuff. The only thing that certain and eternal in this World is that everything continuously changes. If you prevent this natural flow, there's no way you could come out of it healthy and unhurt.

Even at singing, if you for example grab on your larynx, you'll get eventually vocal problems after a while. The essence of Life is change, therefore for a healthy career you shouldn't be afraid of this natural flow.

How you take care of loose ends? You apply forgiveness. You forgive everyone that has ever intentionally or unintentionally hurt you - including yourself. There's always two sides of the coin and sometimes you just have to accept that whatever happened, it cannot be helped, just forgive without wanting to hear an apology.

I am still working on my loose ends. How about you?