Technique is not everything

Now that I have the time to look around what's going on in the singer's world and in singers' minds around the globe I see a pattern that deep down seriously worries me. 

I see more and more people talking about how technique is more important than literally everything else. I cannot help but wonder, aren't they just hiding behind technique to avoid facing themselves, their fears, their constant negative thoughts about themselves? I mean, as soon as technique becomes the most important in your professional life, your singing will most probably become mechanic and unavoidably lacking of liveliness. Music is more than technique, music is more than muscles and training them. When i hear singles swearing an oath to perfect technique and intonation (of course, they are important and vital, but these are not the most important), they also look at practice sessions and singing as a job, their exercises become acro The moment singing feels like a job, and obligation, you should take a break. Singing should bring you joy and happiness, and not the burden of seriousness and responsibilities.

I would like to believe that however singing as a profession come with a certain amount of responsibilities, seriousness and requires good technique, taste and intonation, they shouldn't be the most important when you're actually stand in front of an audience singing your heart and lungs out.

In my opinion technique is the least important thing. Having a healthy relationship with yourself, your body is much more important. Going out and doing stuff, experience the world around you, making friends, networking is essential. Everything that helps you become the best version of yourself is the best thing you can do for yourself as a performing artist. Having healthy and strong boundaries is crucial. 

Don't work on your technique or your repertoire, just work on yourself and everything else will follow. And yes, you should still practice, but make sure it brings you joy, pleasure and happiness.

You are not alone

I consider myself handy with digital stuff and computers, and apps, but there are just some things that I have no energy or brain capacity left to go into (like TikTok or going live on either Instagram or Facebook, and for the record to this day I still don't really get Twitter). I think I'll stick to blogging for now. I do have some social media accounts, enculding Instagram and recently I came across a few singers there with whom we share a similar story from our studies at the Conservatory. The scary thing about it, that all three of us live in different countries, and we experienced almost exactly the same bad treatment from teachers and exam committees, so it seems this wasn't a local problem, rather it is very much global.

I guess it all started with the #MeToo movement when it took its first flight and a whole discussion began about sexual abuse and exploitation, and people started to share their stories, it has started a bigger chain-reaction than anyone would have ever expected. Soon after that we started to talk about abuse in general as well: emotionally abusive behaviour, narcissistic tendencies, and all those heavy sh*t from the deepest pitches of Hell that were considered as a taboo for centuries long. It is a good thing, bad behaviour needs to be pointed and called out, we should also raise awareness to how to recognize the red flags and deal with toxic behaviour and/or people.

After hearing the stories of these lovely singers (young women, actually) on Instagram, seeing them going through the exact same hell I went through roughly 7 years ago and the ugly path of healing (that's also the date of posting my ever first entry on here), revealing and re-living traumatizing events, I felt a certain urge from deep within to offer them support, to tell them they are not alone and they are going in the right direction, that there will come a day when all the anxiety, pain, sadness, confusion and shame will be gone and they will come out of it as a stronger person. They will get to a happy place, and will be able to enjoy singing again, even if now at this very moment they think or ever thought about quitting the music industry altogether.

How on Earth is it possible that music education became a toxic environment for young musicians? It looks very much alike of those abuse-circles: the teachers of our teachers has been traumatized, so therefore they are traumatizing their pupils, and the circle goes on and on. It is important to note, that not all music teachers are toxic or emotionally abusive, just like not all people are. However there are certain type of relationships and people that can become toxic and/or abusive. We are all people after all, nobody can bear the burden of being on a pedestal all the time. Also there are musicians whom are just not fit to become a nurturing and good teacher for their students - it is true, that you can learn from their example nevertheless: the things you shouldn't do when it comes to teaching. More importantly: it has to click between student and teacher. Just like in any other relationship you need to speak the same musical language, share similar principles and have clear boundaries.

Of course, when you're young, there's a huge chance you don't have any clear boundaries set, or at least even if you have some, there's a huge chance it gets blurred in the course of time from both sides: your teacher and the school system itself is blurring the lines get you accustomed to their ways and you are blurring them too, because you respect your mentors, teachers and the school you're attending - after all, they are the ones that will give you your diploma in the end. The only problem with blurring the lines is that nobody in the relationship will see clearly, which makes the whole situation worse and worse. Both sides get impatient with eachother, and after a while there are constant arguments and conflicts. The sad thing about the whole thing is that most of the time teachers are not aware of their hurtful behaviour and/or acting out of spite, impatience or because they are simply triggered by their any other unprocessed trauma. Don't forget, they are human, just like you, and can be just as clueless as anyone can be. This of course is not an excuse for any hurtful or abusive behaviour. Whatever situation you'll ever get in, know that you deserve to be treated as a human being - no less, no more. Knowing that they are human helps you to forgive them and let go of your anger, guilt, shame and pain. Once you could forgive them, you can start building a new life based on healthy boundaries and habits, and look forward to the rest of your amazing life.

Fortunately, therapy and mental health support becomes more and more available to everyone around the globe, and the newer generation of musicians are actually not that ashamed to ask for help anymore (in general, nowadays people are more eager to go to therapy when needed than 20 years ago and it is a good thing). And truly, therapy, if you can commit yourself to it, is a wonderful thing and highly recommended to everyone. A good therapist will guide you through your little hell, ask you the right questions at the right time (very important!).

There are three Winston Churchill quotes that had inspired me on my journey to heal, and those are:

"In War: Resolution.

In Defeat: Defiance.

In Victory: Magnanimity.

In Peace: Good Will."

"If you're going through hell, keep going!"

"You will never reach your destination if you stop and throw stones at every dog that barks."

These wonderful quotes show you how you should treat people, how to handle difficult or even hellish situations, and that if you want to reach your goal, you simply cannot allow yourself the luxury of paying attention to literally everything on the way.

And finally: believe me, all that you feel right now, all those bad things, that anger, pain, confusion, guilt and shame, they will all pass. They are never here to stay, only if you hold onto them. Everything you feel right now is normal and very much real, so you have every right to feel bad and down right now - just don't stay there, please! You've just been through something that shocked you, maybe it was even tragic, or it broke your heart into a million pieces, but you survived. It is entirely up to you and only you where you're going from here. The future might be obscure, storm clouds may hide the sunshine from you, but one day the clouds will roll away, and always remember: the sun always shines behind the clouds. That is that we are thriving for. We are thriving for that life-giving and warm sunshine.

In paradisum...

Today I sang at a funeral service. This was the first funeral I had to sing since the COVID-19 outbreak. As a singer this is what I can count on for a few months, I think: funerals, Requiem, In paradisum... Somehow I was hoping for studying Ave Maria by Franz Schubert for a weddig of a friend or something, but not for a funeral.

Now I am grateful for choosing for becoming a hybrid, so the virus-crisis didn't take away all my income. Becoming independent from the music industry proves itself (again and again) as the best decision I've ever made. Having a part-time flexible job in the healthcare sector is not only rewarding and giving financial certainity, but indirectly it is making me a better singer, a better performer. I feel I have better contact with my audience and more social sensitivity when it comes to compiling programmes.

While as a singer my routine has drastically changed, at the same time as a help at home for elderly and sick people in the healthcare sector my daily routine hasn't changed much, so my life is more or less the same as before the announced self-quarantine and "work from home" policies. I cannot work from home, sorry - and not sorry. I would like to help wherever I can as long as I am on my feet and breathing. The buses, public places are deserted, sometimes I have an entire bus for my own. I'm adjusting my tasks at my clients and I wash my hands as often as I can - I work with strict hygenic rules anyway and I am careful, but now I'm taking this to another level, so I can keep on helping as long as I can.

And I sing for them. You heard me right, I sing for them - with vacuum-cleaner accompaniment. I do this all the time, but now I try to sing the songs that make me happy and calm, but also my clients - some Purcell here, some Monteverdi there... Or just try to find more and more ways to ornament the melody of Amazing grace. 
Above all I do my best to keep my calm, to remain strong and solid like a rock. That's what govenrments and the media and so many people do wrong nowadays: instead of raising awareness they are generating panic and talking about an invisible enemy. There's no enemy here, nor it is invisible. Your invisible enemy is you in your own head, your fears and demons. It is impossible to do groceries these days and follow the guidelines at the same time. Everybody is buying toilet paper, flour, hand soap, etc., but they don't buy probiotics, immune-boosters, veggies, etc.

Weird times, very weird times...

Stay at home! - they say. And you know what? It's not a bad thing to stay at home for a change. Pandemic or not, staying at home is a great thing! You can get around to read the books you always wanted to read, be productive in your own time, do stuff around the house that always should have been done. Worried about not being able to socialize? We're living in the digital era, almost everyone has a tablet or a smartphone with cameras, and an internet connection - make appointments with eachother for video calls! I know, it's not the same as getting together in the same room, but you know what? This weekend I'm going to teach a friend to cook real Hungarian "gulyás soup", and we'll cook together! Yesterday I gave a really nice singing lesson to one of my pupils, and today (after the funeral and after eating lunch) I was working on Hungarian pronounciation with my Estonian friend, Liis, who sings in Bartók Rózsái Énekegyüttes - and all these online! You can get a lot done! The world slowed down, you just have to enjoy that you can finally comprehend life as it is in real time. As for me, I experience this slow pace daily life as a blessing.
Imagine, you have an old unsolved argument with someone: now is the time to contact them and begin to figure things out, how you two could forgive eachother for good this time. Now you have the distance, you have the time to have a decent and adult conversation with eachother
It can be hellish, but you can create your paradise too, so why would you make yourself miserable and complain about not being able to go out(side)? By the way, you can still take a walk in the nature and if you have a balcony you can still sit there - that's still allowed. You can also choose to make life a living hell for the endangered group of people, by not following the guidelines, or you can plant the seed of paradise for others by following them.

And then my thoughts go back to the Requiem mass I was singing today at the funeral, and that last antiphone seems suddenly hopeful and promising a brighter future. I really do hope that withdrawing ourselves from social gatherings and being pushed to spend some time alone will teach us to appreciate and respect eachother more. That's the kind of future I imagined for myself on this Saturday afternoon, and that's the paradise I'm longing for, but until then...

In paradisum...

#IndependentWoman

Recently I was facing certain questions about myself and you know, you'd think that by the time you turn 33 years-old you already have your personality completely figured out. And I think I know pretty much who I am and I am proud of the woman I've become. I am grateful for everything I had in my life, and I am satisfied with my career as it is.

I get asked many times if I wouldn't want to have more work in the music and then I think about the 3 ensembles I manage, the 2 choirs I am conducting and another ensemble I am coaching, the churches I am doing musical duties at, and there's this foundation (Stichting Zin in Zingen) I am working with, and the projects I am doing as a guest singer occasionally and so on, and there's teaching and then I am like: Work even more? Isn't this just enough? Yeah, of course, it would be great to become rich and doing that CD recording I've been being asked in the summer whether I have one or not, but next to a part-time job and the diverse musical activities I have and my own vocal- and personal development I have hardly time for posting new entries on this blog, not to mention the fact that when I mention to my Friday date all the things I listed above just now, I get two different reactions. The first reaction is that they ask me if I'd have any room at all for a relationship being so busy, and they already assuming I don't, without me actually giving an answer to this question. The second reaction is that they don't ask this question, just assume that I'd probably don't have time for a relationship so I'd obviously wouldn't mind being treated as a hook-up material or just simply back off - what flattering options to have, isn't it? Anyway, I get assumptions and they make decisions for me without even being asked whether I'm fine with their conclusion or not (let me tell you, no woman would be satisfied or happy with a man making decisions for them - I know, this might be shocking for many! - insert sarcastic joke here). Well, for these gentlemen, whose head are full of their assumptions about me and my intentions, I have no room, no emotional energy and definately no time at all (unless they come out of their head and stop reading between my lines 😉)
So work more? I don't know, maybe. But surely not wasting time for delusional men.

The best was when I was accused of not being a feminist. Well, this made me think a little. I have always considered myself as an "equalist" when it comes to gender rights and gender gap. When I say "equalist", I mean I believe that men and women deserve to be treated as equal, since both of them belong to the human race. There shouldn't be any discrimination based on biological differences. I don't like to call myself a feminist, because then I would be considered as a feminazi as well, who hate men, and as a matter of fact I don't hate men. I love them! I love everything about them! They make great friends and some of them can be excellent lovers (I guess) and very few of them could make exceptionally good partners (the kind I am looking for, actually). In the old fashioned way, I am a true feminist, I act like one. I take pride in the fact that I pay for my monthly expenses, my rent, food on my own, and really I am the Independent Woman from the Destiny's Child song. I am super excited about the 8-week long boxing training I'm about to begin in the end of this month. I am proud of the fact that I can make it on my own without the financial support of some boyfriend or husband or anyone, actually. It's not that I wouldn't need or wouldn't want to have a relationship...

Or well, you know what?

I don't want a relationship. I want partnership. I am an equalist. I want someone with whom we treat eachother like equals. If I don't have that, I prefer to be single, because I am happy the way I am and I don't need a relationship to justify my existence or to give me the flattering status of someone's girlfriend or wife. Again, I'm not against of becoming someone's girlfriend or wife, but not in a relationship that's only relative, I want to be equal with my man. I want to build a castle with him - figuratively. Accepting eachother as we are with all our scars and flaws, laugh together, inspire, forgive and understand eachother. That's what I want...


But well, back to the singing part and music and work and such.
People usually ask me if I've ever thought about singing in a professional choir. And really, I did. I gave it a thought and decided not to do it, not only because I am terrible with auditions. I don't even hold auditions with Bartók Rózsái Együttes for the vacant places, because I don't believe in the efficiency of an audition to filter out candidates for a possible long-term cooperation.
I knew it quite soon back at the Conservatory that I don't want to do the same things fellow-singers did: going to auditions, sometimes just for the sake of doing it and not particularly to get the gig - seriously, I will never understand this madness. Once I asked a friend what is it like to go to these auditions and she told me it's like doing a singing exam at school. I was like: Eh? What's the point of that?? I think it's really rude from the professional world to keep freshly graduated singers in the student state this way. I hated singing exams! There's no way in hell I'd want to go back there! No wonder I've always been bad at auditions...
Don't get me wrong, if you like them, knock yourself out, but I'm not joining this vicious circle of sending me back to exam situations. By the way, this might be also the infected wound which the classical music world actually suffers from - but it's really just a thought.

I will never settle for something less than my goal. Not in my professional life and surely not in my private life.

So here you go:

• I am a feminist, but not a feminazi.
• I am traditional in some cases, but very radical when it comes to (social) causes I am passionate about.
• I am old fashioned, but I don't mind taking the first step.
• I love to experiment with literally anything with the right people in the right circumstances - and not only because my whole self as an early musician and performing artist revolves around experiment and new sensations all the freakin' time
• I believe and trust in God, but I'm not a religious fanatic (like those crazy people from Margaret Atwood's Gilead - a huge shout out to The Handmaid's Tale and The Testaments which is an astonishing deduction to what would happen if religious fanatics would take over in the politics)

I could go on with this list forever. Nothing in life is ever black and white.

Blessed are the no'-s and rejections

You are reading the blog of someone who got rejected many times. Before I got in the Early Music department of the conservatory in Tilburg, I had got rejected from two other Hungarian Conservatories, and got accepted to one but for financial reasons, the class didn't start (yes, it's a thing in Hungary). Regardless the fact that I'm not an ugly or mean person I have been rejected as woman by men as well, believe it or not. 

Yet, I rejoice and I say: God bless those no's and rejections!

For some reason we consider hearing "no" or rejection as a negative, and it is completely fine to feel that way when we come across them. It is important though that we don't stay in this negative mindset, because it can be more damaging than anyone woul ever think. It's OK to lick your wounds, you need it to recover properly from a bad experience. 

I don't know why, but rejection and being told "no" has always been a motivation for me to work harder to want even more than I initially wanted. If I think about it now, my life is filled with rejection and "no", yet I see them as signs pointing in a different direction or even pointing out what I need to work on more. Sometimes encountering rejection is just indicating that you need to change the method and not the direction. Also people tend to say rather "no" than giving a detailed feedback on what they actually not confortable with - I know, because I'm doing this exact same thing (I know, not really smart of me, but I'm just as much human as anyone else). 

Of course I don't see rejection as a feedback on my deeds at first, I even flip out maybe, but after I get my act together, I reflect on it, take a good look at it, sort out what I did out of miscalculations, or which elements were based on my fears and number of other factors, and then I change my method. The goal is the same.

Singing and music has always been present in my life ever since I was born (even before, I think, for I listened to music and the baptist church's repertory in my mother's womb). I decided quite late to become a singer and before I'd have become an early musician I wanted to be an opera singer - I think, I mentioned this before. In reality, I didn't want anything else, and I don't want anything else even today than sing as much as possible and back then opera seemed the most logical choice, and I was also fond of the genre.

Who knows? If I'd have never got accepted to Tilburg to study early music, I would have become an opera singer and who knows, I could have been able to make it first into smaller and later some bigger roles. However, the stuff that I am doing now is very much different from what I had initially imagined back then when I was 17 years-old. As an opera singer I would depend on an opera company, my agent, my pupils and Lord knows what else. I would be bound to all these and I would probably feel miserable as I have always longed for independence and freedom, to be able to fly freely without wings even. 

What do I have now?

I'm a singer specialized in early repertories (medieval, Renaissance and Baroque), I have different ensembles, and I am coordinating our projects together with my colleagues whom I can also call my friends - true friends who would never let me down (in the opera world your relationship is less likely like that with your colleagues - although there are exceptions, of course). If I don't become a singer the way I did I would be a different person for sure. I am free and independent. I have found balance and I have found my own way, and all that thanks to all the rejections I had to meet and all the "no" I had to hear. 

Sometimes we have an idea about what would be the best for us, but my experience is that things have never turned out the way I expected them to, instead they turned out much better. I even had the chance to experiment with improvising operas in two different ways! How cool is that?

Old habits and traditions

Today we're contemplating on old habits and traditions...

As some of you might know, next to being a singer specialized in early music I am also a choir conductor. Rather a semi-professional conductor, because I only have done a side study next to singing at the conservatory. Before I came to the Netherlands to study singing I was enrolled at the Baptista Teológiai Akadémia in Budapest (Academy of Baptist Theology) and I was a student at the church music department with the main subject choir conducting (my teacher was Gábor Oláh at that time). Before that I studied choir conducting at the Baptist Summer Course (Baptista Egyházzenei Tanfolyam) in Újpest for six or seven years, so from the age of 16 or 17 years-old I am standing in front of choirs - mostly church choirs. Also church music is the genre I feel myself at home the most. I grew up in church environments, religion and church was a part of my weekly routine (and lo! And behold! I still turned out pretty normal).

Ever since I am working with choirs and especially church choirs I come across the following sentence more and more often: "But we have always sung it this way". Whenever I hear this sentence I get a weird itch in my palms and only my respect for others stops me from bitch slapping the person who dared to state such nonsense.
First of all, as a conductor in charge I don't give a damn about previous conductors' musical interpretation and anyone expecting me to be that previous conductor is actually an expectation I will never ever fulfill. It's not that i don't care about their work, I do care and cherish their work! But they are not me and I am not them. The artistic tools, musicality and personality is not the same, so why would you stay in the past with someone who has already left for another opportunity?

Now, it's of course never about any of this expectation, but it's being used to camouflage the laziness and the fear of change.

The moment a sentence like this leaves your lips beware of the fact that your development has stopped a long ago and you don't want to grow further. In case of (church) choirs it's a sign of becoming old and an early sign of the death of the choir. Thoughts that refer to old ways and habits (whether it's a choir's or of an individual) and being comfortable with them is very dangerous.

Now, tradition might sound like a pile of old habits connected to eachother, but it's not. Tradition is a repeated activity or event that has a purpose. A purpose that's more than serving people's comfort. It makes you remember who you are, what your community has gone through, a heroic deed in respect of the hero or heroes. Or anything like this. Not all commemorations make you feel comfortable, not all of them are nice, but it's a beautiful thing to have - traditions remind you to your roots and makes you look back the road you have behind your back.
From the moment a tradition's purpose is lost or gets forgotten it becomes a habit, an empty shell, an abomination.

Old habits on the contrary have no higher purpose. If you refuse change for the fake safety old habits can offer you, at a certain point you'll loose the joy you used to feel. Kodak refused to go digital, now they are almost nowhere to be found. Blockbuster didn't take seriously the importance of online streaming and now they are gone and Netflix took over. What's the same in Kodak and Blockbuster? They refused change. They ignored the change of circumstances. They got stuck in the "We've always done it this way" and that was their doom.

Notice an old habit that has no purpose anymore? Change! Have you heard yourself recently saying that dreadful sentence "I always do it this way"? Change it! Could you take another route to your work? Take another one every once in a while on the way back home. Have you caught yourself playing or singing the same piece the same way all over again? Change the phrasing, the tempo the dynamics, anything.

Look at life and things around you like you have never seen them before! Your own experience is the greatest obstacle in your professional and personal development. Remember, it's never late to change your old habits.

I know, I quoted him many times (especially this one), but remember what Mark Twain said:
"Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover. ”

Sail away from the safe harbour of your habits, even if they give you comfort and safety. Leave the conform-zone every once in a while. Challange yourself with new ways of doing your daily activities. The change doesn't have to be grand, do it little by little, step by step. Surprise yourself with spontaneous turns and moves, try out new things.

I would like to close today's thoughts with a Russian proverb: "The shark that doesn't swim drowns."

Notre Dame thoughts

I have been planning on writing this entry for a while after seeing all the complaints about the money raised for the restauration of the Notre Dame in Paris.

On Monday evening when I saw the first news about the fire I had a heavy feeling of worries in my chest. I felt that my heart is breaking a little. I'm not Catholic, and I have never been to the cathedral, but somehow the Notre Dame is still an important building for me for many reasons.

The organ
My first thought was immediately: the organ! My Dad is a very good amateur organ player and on Sunday mornings, when I was a kid, we have listened to the organ music they played on the Hungarian Bartók Rádió. Many of these recordings were recorded at the Notre Dame. That instrument is an old, awesome and precious one! I'm not playing the organ, but I respect the instrument itself, along with all the organ players who contributing to its greatness.
Even if you're not a Christian, you should have respect for their hard work! 
And how relieved and happy I was when I heard that the organ remains intact!

The building
The Notre Dame - as many of you know - is a Gothic cathedral with countless paintings, frescos, stained glass windows, statues and architectural achievements.
Even if you're not a Christian, you should respect for the hard work of the builders and the input of the artists!

The music
If you're a Musician, you should know that without the Notre Dame School we wouldn't have polyphonic music, nor Classical nor pop music (fine, it might had just happened at another cathedral's school, but you cannot deny the fact that it was this particular cathedral and the university associated to it that made the whole thing possible and served as a location to it). The Notre Dame style organum, the birth of polyphony and mensural notation is associated with the cathedral. We know that the organum compositions were widely spread throughout Europe from Scotland to Sweden. From the organums' clausulas came the motets and so on and so on. That cathedral had witnessed the first steps of polyphonic music and the beginnings of the development of mensural notation.
As an Early Musician you should be worried when such location is almost being destroyed by the fire.
Even if you're not a Christian and/or Early Musician, you should be relieved that the Notre Dame is not gone.

You know, I was happy when I saw that on the same evening rich people offered huge amounts of money for the restauration. I was happy, because finally they were openly giving out money for something that has an estetic, cultural, musical and spiritual value - on something that stands for the values I can also appreciate. The restauration and the rebuilding of the Notre Dame is everyone's responsibility and there are seriously people who say that that money could be used for better things? Really? Are you really going to tell others what they should donate money for? And how do you know that these companies and rich people doesn't donate on the causes that you're thinking about?

When I saw all these complaints on Social media platforms and in the newspaper, I couldn't believe my own eyes. Az

On a personal note in this personal note: I know, I might be too ambitious, and maybe I'm a dreamer, but I do wish I could sing organum or any other genre related in this gorgeous cathedral once. So please, don't whine upon the donations for its restauration, because you're messing with my dreams.

Aside from that and all in áll: respect and appreciate your ancestors' hard work. If you don't do so, your work will be neglected and unappreciated too at a certain point.